By Gondor44646
6/22/2010 11:41:56 PM
It's just the same old same old, so I feel like I am wasting your time. Sorry. I don't know who else to talk to, my mother doesn't know what to do with me.

I was at LDS Business College,and I was trying to become independent from mother and free from my problems. I was thinking that this would be my opportunity and perhaps I would succeed. At first things seemed ok, I started my classes, got financial Aid and I was doing my homework. But changing into that environment didn't change my personality. As soon as things started to become difficult I started to crack again. That same powerlessness, helplessness feeling. I even took a Learning Enhancement class that repeated many of the things that my counselor tried to teach me. For awhile I didn't have a roommate at the dorms, however getting a roommate didn't really help me either. He was like my aggressive little brother. I stopped taking my depression medicine ((facepalm)) it didn't really seem to help, all it did was make me numb to all my responsibilities, but I guess being miserable about them doesn't help much either.

Not everything was bad, I was able to pass out of a class because of my computer knowledge and I got another certification for it. And for some magically reason I was able to talk to my dad, meet up with him and forgive him for the past. I'm still cautious and I don't fully trust him, but there is no longer a reason for me to have a grudge, I let it go. Even though I wasn't doing well in school at this time I was able to abstain from my problem for 52 days. My problem still made me feel powerless. In the end, I failed another semester of college. I feel like an idiot. I can't go back to college now having failed twice. I should have stayed here, I had a computer job that I liked, I gave that up when I left and another computer tech replaced me. I was feeling better too, I wasn't progressing in school but I felt good because of my Job. I was also able to abstain for 83 days if that meant anything. My mother was willing to take me back in after coming home from college. I talked to her about it. After high school I simply was never really ready to go to college, it just was not the right thing to do for me at that time. I never really displayed my frustration of having to go there in the first place, but back then I thought it was going to be a good thing too.

So here I am, when I came back home for the first few weeks everything seemed hopeful again as I got myself organized and started searching for a new job. It seems like my best effort is given at the beginning of the things I try, and after that I realize how difficult it is and start to suffer. My abstinence is gone. I'm doing horrible. I've been suffering, I've wished that I could just die. I feel like crap. I feel worthless. A mission is near impossible. My attempt at getting a job is about as pathetic as my attempt to live my life. It would have been better to have been kicked out of the house then to be in this endless cycle of a trap that I am in.

If there's anything to say... That is all.



Wholly smokes mate    
"Wow I just read a few of your posts. You're suffering to be sure bra. I can relate with you on both the mission and school and obviously porn. I'm almost 30 now and have been suffering for half my life with these things. All my life, well since I was 6 with school. I finally went on a mission. But that, like most church stuff, means little in recovery at least I've surmised. Failed out of school last semester for the 3rd or 4th time in my college caree. I've had 4.0's too. Some things in my life at this time and really for the last 15 years off and on have slaped me up one side the head and down the other side. I think honestly I can say for the first time i'm at the bottom of my barrell. I don't know how long i'm going to muddle around down here in the dark...but at least i've reached it. I've never felt like that before and always feared its coming...i'm no longer afraid.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say in all this if anything good has come and believe me to suggest that even as a possiblity where im coming from almost feels like a sin itself but if anything good has come...i've learned to talk with my Father, be patient and notice His blessings...or at least more so when it's tough not just when i'm basking in the light of some level of personally exeptable rightousness. I've come to realized that in the midst of my most bitter suffering birds still sing and flowers are still rad. I've concluded for myself that all the constaint hell is worth even the smallest moment in the light of Christ...usually manifest to me through His creations.

I've even decided that good. Maybe i'm wrong but I think there is something to it and i'm determined to experience it out to the fullest. So as far as death goes...I feel ya man...I really do...but press on...this is your experience! Even the suffering.

You sound ultra depressed and mentioned anti depressants. When it's chemical on deep level a lot of my "be greatful for birds" and "live out your experience" and bla bla probly isn't as helpful as it could be and im sorry if it was a tired drab of pladitude to read through. If your not going to take the meds its been my experience that exercise is key. Sounds like you've at least dabbled in reading psycology studys. Maybe you've read some on exercise and well being. Good stuff! I too have done the meds ranging from riddilin to paxil. Anyway, haven't been on a drug in probly seven years now. I think exercise and good sleep are my number one in keeping off them and diet is a close second. Good luck man!

p.s. you ever been skydiving? Just a thought. It's a good drug. And there is no better time to try and evade death (in the skys) then when your wishing it upon yourself. I don't know."
posted at 01:04:55 on June 23, 2010 by They Speak
Hold on and trust in the Lord- He loves you!    

Reading your post made me think of my son.

He really wants to go on a mission, but has not been able to overcome his problems with P*rn. His life has been a mess at times as he is very angry with everyone. Because of his addiction, I have a hard time recognizing him. His personality changed at 12, which is when he became exposed.

He has been diagnosed with Bipolar which is a common diagnosis for addicts. I believe that Porn caused his Bipolar symptoms. Medicine never made any difference. The only time I have seen a difference is when he is clean and turning to the Lord (which was a long time ago). It makes me so sad, especially for young men who have a testimony and want to serve a mission. This addiction is stealing our Husbands and Boys.

As powerful as Satan can be and as bad as your problems may seem, they are no match for the power of the Savior to heal your life. Are you attending a 12 step program? It took my husband forever to realize that he is not different than others with this addiction and that the 12 step will work for him too. He kept thinking that he could fix this problem by repenting and going to the Bishop and attending the Temple. He always went to the Bishop and abstained, but sooner or later his problems would come right back. As soon as there was stress with me or at work...etc... After 30+ years of suffering (especially since the birth of the internet), he now knows that he cannot do this alone and attends meetings. I am standing with him and attending meetings for spouses. I attend not only to help him, but especially to help me. You see, I am not addicted to p*rn , but I have come to believe that the same process the men in my life need to go thru, I must go thru as well. I have been deeply affected and hurt by their addiction and I must heal my life even if they do not.

The atonement can make you whole again. You could abstain long enough to get on a mission, but you will still have the same problem. Many young men think that is they can just hold out long enough to get married, that the problem will go away. That is not true. Overcoming this addiction and healing your life is about the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and in my opinion the LDS Church's 12 step program is the Atonement in action.

Most likely, there are meetings in your area and I am happy to help you find one. Email me at and give me your general area and I will find a meeting.

I was sick to my stomach the first time I went to attend a meeting. My husband was not thrilled either, but I know that these meetings along with working our steps, are changing our lives. My son has been to a couple meetings, but I do not believe he is attending any right now. He is still in a bad place and we are trusting in the Lord to lead him when the time is right.

Do not believe the voice in your head that tells you the lie that you have blown it and that things will never change. That is the devil and he is a tricky little thing. Satan can only tempt you, but Jesus can heal you, truly heal you.

Healing does require sacrifice. I see many young men not willing to give up the things of this world in order to heal, but that is what it may require.

Have Faith and know that Joy and happiness are just around the corner. As sad and down as you feel right now, will be as happy and spirit filled as you will feel as you apply the atonement in your life. It is not easy, but it is simple. The things you will sacrifice will be worth it.

Heavenly Father loves you and He is waiting on you. He is ready to bless you. All you have to do is ask, listen, and do. Trust him! You will overcome and you will make it!
You are in my prayers
posted at 19:46:52 on June 23, 2010 by angelmom
Never, Never, Never Give Up!    

I am sorry that you are down in the dumps. Please don't stay there. Find the progress you have made. 52 and 83 day periods of sobriety are great! Take hope with whatever progress you can find. This isn’t an easy war to win. Setbacks don’t mean that you can’t succeed in the end. The Atonement was designed with you in mind. Turn to the Lord and you will find that He still Loves You and is ready to help you regardless of how long you have struggled and how many times you have fallen. That I can testify to better than most. I’ve got 27 years pre-recovery and 10 in recovery and He hasn’t quit on me. He is always ready to take you back. When you feel His love simply by turning to Him and turning your will over to Him, please put down the stick. If He isn’t condemning you, why should you? Satan is using all these negative thoughts and self loathing to keep you in his control.

I say ditto to all that “they speak” and “angelmom” have said. The 12 step program if fully embraced can work on anything. It is “How to Apply the Atonement to Whatever You Are Struggling With”. You haven’t done or gone through anything that people haven’t already recovered from. You can make it. You can go on that mission. I know those who have. You can be free from acting on your addiction and even free from the desires. I don’t think you can ever get to the point where you don’t have to be extra cautious, but the rest is good enough for me. Please take FULL advantage of the 12 Step program; attend meetings, work the steps and find a sponsor or friend that you can call 24x7 whenever you need to. The miracle of Alma 36 can happen for you. One moment he wanted to be snuffed out completely, not even a spirit anymore, so that he wouldn’t have to face God after all that he had done. In the next moment he longed to be in the presence of his Father. That miracle can be yours.

Praying for you brother,
posted at 15:19:57 on June 29, 2010 by justjohn

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988