The stone is rollin... (wives could you read the last paragraph? may use any decent advice)
By They Speak
6/20/2010 11:28:30 PM
Well alot has happened in the last week. I learned of some hard news wraped up in the web of my secret life...and i feel depressed and alone. I know at least half of it is that my sleep has been out of wack and i'm sick. With a good nights rest and if I can feel good enough for a hard bike ride tomorrow I know i'll be able to start adressing some of these things with the added strength of feeling physically healthy and alive.

It always seems like there is to much to any one given story for me to make a full account. Ill try my best to get to my point and be short with the rest and still make sense. I guess what is driving me to write now is one part. I told one of my best friends today about my having commited adultry. He knew pretty much everything before (strip clubs escorts alcohol etc). I could always go to him and tell him things.

The short of it is I opened up about this to a few strangers I got to know in another counrty and that kindof opened the flood gates. I came home told the girl I was involved with in effect we needed to end things as they were. It went well and I was feeling new chapter optomistic at that point. Then I had some awful news about her that i'd been denying against my concience for sometime confirmed. I learned of it through a childhood friend and ended up telling him everthing. He suggested I tell my best friend (we all grew up together). Well after the news and the ensuing events it was rather appearent that this woman may have never really cared much for me or was unaware of how to show real care when the chips were down though i felt or believed even if faulsly I was fully invested...if that makes sense...either way I felt deserving of this given my lack of care for all those important to me. However what was mind blowing to me was this intense feeling to run back to her right in front of the ugly truth, inspite of the totall destruction of the wonderful fanticy I once believed in

...anyway because of this I called a counceler I havn't went to in over a year and told him everything. It helped a lot and we are going to keep talking. Anyway then today I was stilll struggling with the urge of contacting her even though ever sense of my logic tells me it was all a sham and that she is toxic to me. In some ways she seems to me to be the physical embodyment of all my lusts and fears. I think the SA white book is one of best books at calling out our lusts and showing us how toxic it is to us addicts. That is why I say she is toxic. Its hard because I'm so confused over love and other emotions mixed with the lust and excitment right now but Reason seems to stand and be guiding me in this direction of understanding it...and passion is proving unrelyable...yet again. I also feel that I've gained some experience showing me that indeed Satan doesn't stand by his followers in the end of any pursuit of misery. As if that wasn't already the worlds all time greatest duh.

Anyway I degress. I was struggling today and my best friend called and left a message and said he felt like he should call. I thought my other friend had told him to call but turns out he just had a feeling something was up. Anyway...I told him everything. All the gory details...and now I feel an overwhelming sense of shame. I didn't feel this when I told the people in the other counrty. I didn't even quite feel it when I told my other friend. And I certainly didn't feel it when I talked to my counciler. In fact it all started kindof feeling good to just get it out. I even told a kid yesterday that I work with who I've never really talked too. I found out he was an addict and he expressed some of his fears about commiting adultry and I concured with my story. I felt kindof like I should/could tell him "hey don't come down this sucks." Anyway I told him and again to my suprize no one judged, I didn't die, and it wasn't all that bad. But I don't know, then with my best friend I felt like it was obvious he couldn't understand and wasn't sure if he should try and be mad with tough love or nice love or what and as soon as I caught wind of that I realized I wished I hadn't told him. It was like he just wanted to help but didn't know how or something and I realized I wasn't sure I wanted his help or needed his help or why I told him at all and that it was non of his concern anyway. Now he'll know for the rest of our lives something that didn't concern him and was an undo burden. Bla I don't know.

I've just been good at rejecting shame for some time becuase I know it does not help me get better and all of a sudden I cant seem to shake it. I feel almost angry I told my friend. Anyway, the shit is deffinetly hitting the fan and my wife should be informed in the very near future. I'm going to have to do it over the phone or in letter because we are seperated and I live far away...but it's gonna suck. Thats another thing. I was feeling a little optomistic about coming clean to her. Not that I was expecting her to stay or go or anything I was just feeling like it was time and things would work out how they'd work out. I'd exepted my fate the etangled fate of others. After talking to my friend I almost want to recoil back into the darkness....

On that note, and maybe the wives could help. I was thinking there is no way in heaven earth or hell I can just dive right into this. I thought i could handle something that would lock me in like a text saying somthing on the lines of "....... i have to confess some things to you. I know you know somethings have been up and it's time to adress them. I feel like it is more then you or I can bare alone and I don't mean to add any undo suspense or stress with a time of waiting through the eye of a storm but will you fast with me that God will be with us and I'll call (or dictate a letter) you tomorrow?"

Any help with talkin to the misses would be sure by both of us.


Keep going...    
"I can't give any specific pointers on how to discuss with your wife, but I know you must keep going that direction. Keep up your progress, They Speak!

I'm not sure about telling all of these other people, though. Confession is step 5, and I don't think it's meant to be to every Joe who mentions addiction. I know you aren't big on the 12 steps...but they embody the entire repentance process. Take it one step at a time, but Keep Moving! Please do not return to the mess you were in when you first came to the site. Happiness is definitely forward, not backwards."
posted at 01:14:16 on June 21, 2010 by BeClean
"Number one- Stop telling everyone else, or it will get back to her second hand and that would be even more devastating. Also, the knowledge that many other people know is probably the only thing worse than the truth itself ( I ache for those poor celebrity wives ie Tiger Wood's wife, where the whole world knows)

You may need the help and power of discernment that your Bishop can provide. My Bishop told me that from his prospective, it made things simpler if the cheating spouse came to him first. That's not how my husband did it. He just opened the flood gates. I thought I would die, but I probably would have felt that way even if the Bishop had known first.

Know this will kill her, but it's still the kindest thing you can do at this point. Satan will tell you that it's cruel, that you shouldn't punish her with your sins, but it's to late for that.

Finally pray and fast for help. God will hear you. He loves you both. My husband said he felt guided, almost literally pushed toward telling me.

Go forward, as Beclean said. It's the only path to freedom and hope for both of you.

Good luck, Brother Theyspeak. I'll be praying for you both."
posted at 19:52:09 on June 21, 2010 by Anonymous
Thanks for the reminder    
"For the longest time, though I don't know that my motives were entirely pure, that was a big resone I never went to any of my friends. Because I knew in the small event that things were to work out that it would be a confort to her to know that it was a problem between us only....i don't know how I forgot. It's not all about me. Everyone but my two friends live a billion miles away so i'm not worried aobut it getting back to her as of yet. But i'm still uncomfortable that they know. I know nether of them would tell a soul but they alone is bad enough. I for sure will not be telling anyone else.

I haven't thought about the bishop thing. if you've read any of my other post you'd see i've all but given up on talkin to those dudes...about this prob at least. I'll go as a part of confession of coarse but for help??..something to think about. Thank you."
posted at 23:56:32 on June 21, 2010 by They Speak

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987