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Character Weaknesses
By ruggaexpat
6/20/2010 9:03:08 PM
Life is so much more different now. Within me I feel peace more often now, my conscience is clean I have nothing at all to hide, what a feeling that is. Yet I am now involved in a struggle that I never thought I would have to face. Well I knew that I would eventually face that struggle in drips and drabs but not like I am now. I am not struggling with pornography or lust but I am struggling with those character weaknesses that underly my old sins. This goes beyond thinking about my selfish self, this involves facing head on my faults that I so carefully covered all these many years. The blanket is removed and I feel so weak and vulnerable. I am so aware of my weaknesses now it is driving me crazy because I am on my knees all day long asking for strength to understand myself and overcome them. Have any of you out there experienced this? How do you deal with it?

It really is driving me up the wall, across the ceiling and over the floor in one crazy daily cycle. Every time I make a mistake I see it more often than not and get super frustrated with myself. Compounded to the challenge is the tendancy of my wife to point it out in her angry manner (given she is rightly still angry about my past sins).

I feel like I am trying to develop the emotional maturity I should have developed throughout my childhood, teens and young adult life all in a space of a couple months. This is a serious challenge for me though I guess I need to be more patient with myself. I am working with a therapist which he has thankfully helped identify my weaknesses.

It is crazy because these weaknesses are now the focal point of most discussions with my wife. When we have one of THOSE conversations about how I am not measuring up, I get seriously discouraged. I knew this would happen because after walking out of the therapists session where we discovered my real weaknesses, I turned to my wife and said that now things are going to get tough for me. I said the addiction would be a cake walk compared to the challenge lying ahead in facing and working on my weaknesses. I do not regret that statement because it has proven to be true.
The adversary is also busy right now because this is a critical point in my life and a lot depends on how I think, speak and behave. Right now Christ is my strength and my light in some very dreary days. Thank goodness he is there and will never leave me. This moment matters and I need him now more than ever.

Weaknesses are part of my life but when I clearly know what they are and begin to confront them it is not easy and takes strength that I do not possess alone. I am so greatful for the grace of my savior. I need him and his power to lighten my burdens. Oh the joy of facing the consequences of my choices!

Comments:

Your wife needs help    
"I can go inot this more later as I need to head out f now, but your wife needs to be in recovery for codependence. She need to learn that the atonement is for he sinned and the sinned against.I can find meetings for women of addicts in her area. They are only in the pilot stage, but very helpful for me. She must pass trough the same process and then he will undrstand and will not throw it in your face again.

She loves you. Although you are "fixed" she is still broken. We do a great job in the church at fixing the husband,but the wife is left as schrapnel as she still has to deal with a lifetime (in he marriage) of pain and betrayal.

I will post later"
posted at 16:47:02 on June 21, 2010 by angelmom
Her pain    
"She does need help and a great deal of it. I ache for her more than she will ever know. I just wish she could feel the hope I feel because I know that there is recovery in Christ. I feel so much hope despite my weaknesses. Christ is slowly changing me but my journey through misery is slowly coming to an end, hers has begun with a rapid and powerful introduction. If she has to follow that same process of healing, it scares me because she does not deserve to go through it. She has a very sharp mind and has learned a great deal about my addiction and her codependence but no one can be smart enough to weather the emotional strom that is ranging inside her right now. I see her suffering every day and it depresses me to see her suffer like she does. The heartache she is feeling and experiencing is so significant to render her powerless and sometimes hopeless. Its sucks so bad that I cannot find words to adequately express all this misery she is going through. No one can say the right things to her, there si nothing, no substance, no words or intelligence on this planet that can bring her peace. I know the savior can bring her peace, he has restored mine to some degree but she is grieving so much that well even the savior seems (in my opinion) far away from her right now.
I never knew my actions would cause such pain, it sucks for me to know the consequences I have caused.

Anyway hanging in there and so is she but just barely so any help is always taken with an open mind and open hands."
posted at 21:33:49 on June 21, 2010 by ruggaexpat


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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006