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Honesty
By Gondor44646
5/27/2010 2:18:18 AM
I'm feeling numb again, this may be my most inappropriate post but after going through so much pain I wonder if it will even matter too me.

Why should I hide it, what else do I have to lose, this is something that should be done via Step 5. I don't care, I'm too depressed to care what anyone can think. I'm too tired of having to take this problem alone. Fine, I'm a freak. I have no life, I suffer from learned powerlessness, (helplessness), I want to look at Pornography, I want to look at Inuyasha Doujinshi ((aka Pornography)), yes see, I said it, I'm a freak, destroy me now, doesn't care...

I'm sorry... I've been here since I was 17 years old, I'm 20 now... I just don't understand how anybody can relate to the stupidity that is my addiction, I feel so ashamed... Inuyasha? yeah what?? I don't want to talk about it, there isn't a person that I can go to for that. Except maybe the Internet... Admit it, better then doing it, even right now as I try to avoid it. I'm not sure why I should as numb as I am. My body doesn't care, My soul feels purposeless...

Too much detail, and I have said too much, I don't know what I am going to do with my life now, I'm supposed to magically become an elder in 3 months, yet I can't even stop raping myself for that long. I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm just making a mess out of everything, I'm sick and I'm throwing up all over you, I got tired of pretending to be a lovable being when I hate myself so much and hide every evil disgusting thing about me. Why does God love us? We are imperfect and we will always fall short of his commandments, so why then...

It's called learned helplessness. There was some experiment in psychology involving dogs, where a dog was inside a cage without any way of getting out and was periodically shocked, he couldn't escape it. Eventually the dog gave up and just lied there and took it. When he was placed in a cage from which he could easily have gotten out, when shocked, the dog still continued to just lie there and take the shock. It wasn't until the dog was pushed out by someone or saw another dog getting out of the cage that he learned to avoid being shocked.

I don't know what else to say, I feel embarrassed to blog this post, I don't know if I should, but whatever, just whatever, God knows it... That is all

Gondor...

Comments:

HI    
"Hey, I was just checking the site before getting some sleep and noticed your post. What a terrible thing you're going through. I'm so impressed with your honesty and insight. I'm pretty new to dealing with my own issues that brought me here and to the 12 Step program. But, if you need to "chat" I'll wait around a bit. Maybe, just till you feel stronger, if you want."
posted at 04:36:20 on May 27, 2010 by Eliza
Please don't shame yourself    
"Gondor, you're not alone in the shame and embarrassment you're feeling. I remember the sick and despicable feeling I had all those dark, dark days early in my recovery. I would go to therapy and think, "what kind of a sick person am I?" I just wanted to crawl into a deep hole and never, ever come out. And then I would go to group therapy and wonder, "what must these other people think of me? It's probably all they can do to even be in the same room with me without being completely revolted and wanting to throw up." But I am slowly learning something -- a lot of things, actually -- that I want you to remember. One of Satan's most powerful tools in keeping us all tangled up in his lair is his diabolically skillful way of getting us to shame and even hate ourselves. That breeds more self-disgust, which gets us to slip even further and deeper into despair, which makes us go for more numbing filth to get a momentary "fix" and drown our sorrows some more.

Even now, with 5+ years of sobriety behind me, I still have to remember why it's all worth it. Early on, my stake president told me that repentance would not be easy, and MAN, oh MAN, was he right!! This has been the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. But worth it more than I can possibly express in words. If I have to go through the rest of my life constantly re-asserting my commitment to God, my wife, my kids, and my covenants, then I'll hobble my way along every single day of my life -- misery, natural man-oriented, and all. But I WON'T GIVE IN!

The key, I think, is learning to be "ok" with myself (INCLUDING o.k. with my temptations, inadequacies, and sorrows) but still living a virtuous, productive, service-oriented life. I'm not totally there yet in terms of accepting who I am and what I've done... I guess none of us are there yet. Still have a lot of work to do in the area of forgiving myself. But it's freeing everytime I recognize a dark, shadowy temptation or reminder of my natural tendencies and then just say to myself, "Oh, yeah... there it is again" and then just MOVE ON. I wasted way too much time of my life thinking that I had to stop and explore "IT" every time it crossed my path again. So, by stopping to explore, I developed this twisted relationship with "IT" that overtook my life.

Brother, I know you have the confidence of at least a couple 100 of us out here. Accept who you are, don't be embarrassed to tell us about "IT," and start to move on anyway. I vividly remember a talk Elder Packer gave in conference some years ago that sticks to me like glue to this day. In that talk, he said something like this: "You may not ever become totally free of [temptations and addictive tendencies that you acted out on in the past] in this life." Then, he went on to say something to this effect: "But as long as you do not give into those inclinations and hold fast to your covenants and the things you know to be right, the Lord will accept you and ultimately make you whole."

I know this is excruciatingly difficult for you, Gondor. But part of the therapeutic value in bringing your lustful desires into the light is similar to the value our skin gets when we allow an open wound to air out and heal. YOU WILL HEAL from this because of your Savior's power to cleanse your wounds. But don't recoil into the miserable shadows of your loneliness, PLEASE. Keep coming back to this blog, reach out to any and every worthy source for help you can find, and let that healing take its course.

We're here to hold each other up, and you are no less deserving of the combined strength of all of us who have started down the road to recovery. So let us help you!

God speed, dear brother!"
posted at 06:57:26 on May 27, 2010 by NewHeart


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006