By Gondor44646
3/27/2010 6:23:26 AM
It's been awhile...

I am 47 days clean now.

Everything is ok, but I may act negatively.

I just want to give up and masturbate now. I just don't feel what I'm fighting for. Sure I haven't masturbated, I've been doing good, but I'm going to fail another semester of college and I'm going to have to go back home to nothing.

What am I doing? I should be on my mission now?! I'm freaking trapped by financial aid and college, that and it has been so difficult to allow myself to even feel worthy for anything. Just go home back to mommy where she will eventually deny you too. 47 days... WooHoo So what... Your jealous, you hate the world because of it. You wish you could be one of them and just masturbate and not care. Who cares... Who do they care? Rationalize. Rationalize. Rationalize.

But I can't deny it. Even if it hasn't already destroyed me I know Gondor will be destroyed if I submitted to the world. I just honestly wish I could masturbate. Ok. So you want to, but you don't have to. It's difficult, it's not fun, it sucks, but you will be 100% ok if you just didn't do it. Oh no! You didn't masturbate. Denying yourself pleasure!? Uh....... hmm... Nothing, oh ok... GO TO BED!! Gezee...

Seriously, you can hug a blanket, you can feel all of God's love,you can think and contemplate, but in the end Gondor just doesn't... No anything, no regrets, no sorrow, no pleasure, eat your vegetables and just shut-up, you'll live...

some help please that is all...


"I really love you and your honesty! I love that you truly desire righteous things despite feeling so depressed. I love how you never give up.

You are going to get through this difficult time. Life is one big painful lesson, sometimes. I guess why they tell us to "edure". It's not easy. I know this doesn't help but...I am 38 years old now and looking back on my life, the painful times, the moments that I struggled the most were the times that I grew spiritually. When things are easy for me I don't do much work on my recovery. When the pain inevitably returns, I get back to the business of "Recovery". Which includes working the first three Steps every morning and being accountable to another addict on a daily basis. My prayers are with you, my friend."
posted at 14:12:45 on March 27, 2010 by Anonymous
hang in there    
"Temptation is hard to deal with. 47 days is a good accomplishment. What's also a good accomplishment is being able to humble ourselves to get down on our knees and ask Him for help. It's not easy to do. The world would tell us to follow our own arrogance and ego and stand on our own two feet. But God wants us and He wants us to be humble. Every time I do so I feel so much better afterwards.

Prayers and best wishes are with you."
posted at 00:57:53 on March 28, 2010 by hk-47
"2 Timothy 3:4

...lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God."
posted at 01:14:20 on March 28, 2010 by Gondor44646
Some ways to get out of 'in the moment' temptation    
"It sounds like you were in crisis. I am glad you had the courage to get on and type something, and talking about it does help. when you are in the moment, talk to someone if you can. If not, GET OUT! go for a walk, focus on just breathing in and out for 5-10 min. Your thoughts do not define you unless you let them. Ask yourself the question "what does it mean that I am having these thoughts right now?" you may find you are trying to avoid some form of stress or discomforting emotion. Try to understand what the emotion is and where it is coming from instead of avoiding it. Know that you are not alone when you struggle and that the savior is closest to you in your times of trial even if he feels far away."
posted at 16:41:49 on April 2, 2010 by benjamin

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987