Finding a new outlet
By gettinthere
1/25/2010 6:56:23 AM
I think the biggest difficulty for me during this time of my addiction is the fact that my spouse hates me. They tell me literally, I hate you. And the closest thing to intimacy we share is sitting next to each other. We don't even hold hands or anything. She always turns me a way. Those are usually the times I find myself indulging in my addiction.
Has anyone out there faced anything similar to this? If so what did you do to release yourself of sexual energy so that you did didn't release it in unholy ways? Any tips?


"I am not married. But I am scared to death to get married because of this problem right here. I do have a friend who is married and has similiar addictions. He and his wife have gone to therapy together. It is supposed to help because she then sees that he is trying to be different and she learns how to help him. You are in my prayers. I am so sorry I can't help you more then that. Just know that you can make it work with God's help. Also just make religion a key point in your home- if it isn't already. I am so sorry. Just know that God will never turn his make on you, crazy amazing if you really think about it. Also read the book the miracle of forgiveness or Infinite atonement, at least they helped me so much! Good luck with everything. Sorry I couldn't really help."
posted at 10:01:04 on January 25, 2010 by helpme
12 Steps for Two    
"Gettingthere...that's tough. Very tough. I would not be able to face and overcome my struggles without having a supportive spouse who is on my team. She loves me, despite my imperfections. And I love I do the best I can. We communicate openly about all of this. She knows when I am struggling in my thoughts, and she helps with words of encouragement, and sometimes with physical intimacy. She is amazing.

But it took her a LONG time to get to that point. Communication with her was and is VERY important. It took me a LONG time to communicate so openly and honestly with her about my problems. The 12 steps have helped BOTH of us. Is your wife willing to come to this website or to ARP meetings with you?"
posted at 20:17:54 on January 25, 2010 by BeClean
nothing to do with addiction    
"I think the hard thing about this for me is just that my wife wants out of the marriage. It has nothing to do with my addictions. She has been addicted to the same things and at one point we talked about it all and she was a great support. She is just tired of being married. That is where it is hard because I was an in the marriage and am not going anywhere. I believe we can work and have success. My wife on the other hand is done and does not believe we can work on the marriage because of all of our differences. But we are not divorced. My wife has talked about it many times but we are still married. That is where the intimacy is an issue. We have been seeing a family therapist but she is done with that too. I wish I could help my wife through this, but I am struggling to keep myself on the right path. Since I don't have someone there to love and support me it just feels harder. I am giving my wife love and support. Just, I am not getting any back."
posted at 23:35:29 on January 25, 2010 by gettinthere
Praying for you both.    
"I wouldn’t totally discount your acting out as part of the problem. My wife had a mb habit when she was young, but the fact that she was able to overcome it like your wife caused her to get frustrated when it looked like I never would. It made her question if I was really trying. Whether you are being unfaithful with a live human being or not, it can still feel like infidelity to a spouse.

If I were you I would try praying for her selflessly. Pray for her to find happiness without thoughts of you getting your needs met as an end goal. I know that will be hard; I’ve been there myself. Addiction brings with it a lot of personality defects that often have tie-ins to selfishness. I think spouses are usually tired of these almost as much as they are with dealing with the addiction. If we don’t work at really becoming new individuals a marriage that has been battered by addiction can crumble under the weight of all our other defects even if we are sober from our primary “drug of choice”. I think this is one of the key differences between sobriety and recovery. I knew a man that claimed he hadn’t looked at porn for years and didn’t even have a desire to do so. Unfortunately he was still controlling, arrogant and generally hard to live with. He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong now that he wasn’t looking anymore. His wife told someone that the Spirit in their home hadn’t changed at all. They are no longer married. I think your best course of action would be to pray for her, leave her in God’s hands and work on really finding recovery and peace for yourself. In that process you will become the kind of man she would be happy to be married to if she is still around and if she isn’t you can still find happiness.

Actually this period of time might be a good time to try self-imposed celibacy. I know I wasn’t ready to try it until I had been in recovery for a few years, so my heart goes out to you. When I used to see guys in the meetings who were divorced or separated, I told myself that God would never put me in that situation, because He knew that I couldn’t handle it. I thought I couldn’t live without some kind of release. Eventually I decided to face the fact that there was too much lust in my marriage relationship. I was living from one intimate encounter with my wife to the next. I took advantage of the fact that she had just had a baby and was nursing and didn’t care if we had a physical relationship and went into a period of self-imposed celibacy. It lasted for about six months. I didn’t set a certain time goal. I just decided to see how long I could go and she ended up suggesting that I end it. It broke one of Satan’s great strongholds on me. I now knew I could live without it. It wasn’t life-support! One nice thing about self-imposed celibacy rather than wife-imposed is that it can be easier to let go of some resentment. That was always a trigger for me. “If she won’t take care of my needs, then I’ll show her!” Now I know that they are just wants. And it is easier to defuse the desire.

I hope something from this helps. I’ll be praying for both of you."
posted at 16:26:30 on January 28, 2010 by justjohn
Fireproof your marriage    
"I'll say it again, Gettingthere...that's tough. I don't know how some people face their problems in life. I'm grateful I have my own and not those of other people. But our problems were all made for us, right? God will allow us to have just enough that it will be hard and we will grow by overcoming them, but he won't give us more problems than we can handle.

Anyway, have you seen the movie "Fireproof" ( ; )? It's not the best-made movie in the world, but there are some great ideas in there for giving a struggling marriage one last try. Check it out and let us know if it's for real."
posted at 10:54:19 on January 29, 2010 by BeClean

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"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

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"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002