A Difficult Evening in the Great and Spacious Building
By needhelp38
12/12/2009 1:37:48 AM
I have had a great couple of days and I think the bottom line is that the adversary is attacking me because I have gotten stronger. I think the best way to summarize it is that a couple of nights ago I really started the grieving process for my ex-boyfriend. I called my Mom crying saying, "Why? Why didn't he call me the night he committed adultery when he had called me two days before for help & called me the day after?" I was really struggling & I told my Mom that I think that Heavenly Father has protected me from really feeling the reality of what my ex did because I couldn't handle it before & that I think that I am now ready to really start the healing process because I've gone to the temple a couple times now since the "Potiphar's wife" incident, and have been doing better spiritually and have set more boundaries with my crazy nanny job in the "great and spacious building."

I have a good friend who has completed the 12 step program who I happened to meet right after I found out that my ex had sex with a prostitute, and he has been a great support. He is in a foreign country teaching English & we have video chatted frequently. He has been such an inspiration to me & has been teaching me a lot because being alone in a foreign country has put him in a place that he has done a lot of healing and we had a great talk last night which is always a highlight & we talked for a bit tonight which I think kind of prepped me to get through the rest of the night.

The family I nanny for is Jewish & tonight is the first night of Hannukkah. Lately, Potiphar's wife either hasn't been at the house or we barely cross paths & I have been so thankful. He was there for the first time in a while today when I was there during the day & I had no desire to be around him. Well, we all went to sit down for dinner later on tonight & for present opening & the "big kids" as I call them were all there... (meaning the older brother of the kids I nanny for, his wife, Potiphar's wife, and a guy who is also at the house all the time who happens to be technically LDS but completely inactive, we'll call him Jack.) Their talk in front of the kids was so inappropriate that as dinner & then present opening went on I felt more & more sick to my stomach. I had felt so good all day, genuinely happy...and now I was saying a prayer in my heart but just felt so icky as time went on. Keep in mind that things are chaotic so there are often multiple conversations going on at once.

I don't want to compare myself to Joseph Smith, but I wished at that moment that I could have done what he did in jail when he heard the guards speaking crudely. Do you guys know the story? Some guards at the jail are speaking about committing vile acts with women & murdering people & Joseph Smith stood up & commanded them to stop such evil speaking or "you or I will die this instant." Granted, these guys weren't talking about actually raping or murdering people, but my blood was boiling.

So after things settled down & the 10 year old girl & I were cleaning up in the kitchen, I was so upset that appropriate or not for me to say this to her, I couldn't hold it in. I calmly said to the 10 year old girl that I was sick of the big kids talking inappropriately in front of she, her 8 year old brother & me. She said, "Well, yea, that's how they are when they're drunk." And I said, "Well, drinking doesn't excuse poor behavior." She said, "I know, I'm just saying that's how they are. And actually, things are a lot better now that (her older brother) is married. When he was single & dating girls & stuff he was a lot worse." And I said, "Well, that's good that there is improvement but it is sad that you are used to that kind of talk. *I* am not used to it & I don't like it." So the older brother walks in the kitchen & the 10 year old says to him, "Hey, do you think you could say something to (Potiphar's wife and Jack) about talking inappropriately in front of us?" !?!?!? How striking is that that SHE has to be the mature one & is the one to ask that they not say those kind of things!? Absolutely ridiculous.

I realize it may be pointless to tell this whole story, but I really just had to vent. :-(


"What an example (the 10 year old). My wife just asked me last night why we're commanded to be like little children. Obviously, we don't want to copy them in every way. (They can be quite selfish, you know.) But ONE of their amazing qualities is that they know certain things are right, and they know certain things are wrong, and they don't rationalize bad behavior, like we do. They simply stay away from it.

It's good you said something to someone. Happy Hanukkah!

Make sure you get some sleep!"
posted at 10:12:42 on December 12, 2009 by BeClean
You are in my prayers    

I'm going to be frank and honest by sharing my opinions with you. This is only my point of view, so it's not especially important, but you might find a few helpful tips from my advice anyway.

You deserve a better job than the one you have right now. After reading what you've written so far about the family you work for, I can't help but conclude that they present a danger to your very soul. Christ said, "fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell." (Mathew 10:28) I'm not suggesting that you'll go to hell if you keep your job, but I'm sure that your job isn't very healthy for your spiritual well being.

The way you have been treated and the language you have put up with is absolutely unacceptable. If you wanted to, you could sue the family you're working for on account of sexual harassment. I'm not necessarily recommending that, I'm simply saying that I think you have been through enough to win a sexual harassment case, assuming you can prove your story is true. This should tell you that something needs to change.

I like your references to "Potiphar's wife," but I can't seem to understand why you don't follow Joseph's example by running from this evil situation. Is there any chance that you can find a new job? Have you prayed about whether or not you should quit?

I don't mean to be so negative, I'm just worried about you. I assume you've asked yourself a lot of the same questions I've raised, and I want you to know that I think you would be perfectly justified in quitting immediately, even if that means you'll be unemployed for a little while. Think about it, is the undignified way you have been treated by your employer and his family worth the wages you've been paid?

I've prayed a lot for you over the past couple days, and I hope you're feeling better now. If you are unable to quit, then I pray that the Lord will make your situation more bearable for you."
posted at 02:37:03 on December 14, 2009 by ETTE
"I was just curious about is what your ex-boyfriend did adultery? Sorry to downplay your emotions but adultery happens in a marriage not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I am living with my husband who did commit adultery. It is awful. We were married in the temple and have children together. We've been married for 15 years. If I were not married I was RUN away from the situation. Consider yourself lucky that you found out about his problems BEFORE you got married and had children.

Sorry to be onery about this but saying your boyfriend committed adultery really bugs me. I do hope that you have the healing from the emotional wounds your ex-boyfriend has caused. Good luck."
posted at 11:31:03 on December 14, 2009 by Anonymous
Word Choice    
"I just messed up on the choice of words...fornication, broke the law of chastity."
posted at 11:35:58 on December 14, 2009 by needhelp38
Thank you Ette    
"I somehow missed your comment & I completely agree with you. I talked to the Dad last night & I told him that I absolutely cannot tolerate what I have been through anymore. We didn't get a chance to really finish the conversation, but he agreed with me that his younger kids need a much better example, blah blah blah & I said, "Well, if there are improvements made that is great, but I cannot put up with this one more day." It is SO true that with a "normal" job I could easily report what has happened with a supervisor & they would have been fired for sexual harassment.

The bottom line is that I told him that I have some personal things that I need to heal from & that I need to be in an environment that is conducive to that healing, and this is not it. You are absolutely right, no amount of money is worth what I have been through. I told the Dad that I considered this worse than the kids' behavior. When he said what he considered okay, I told him that was the problem...that my idea of what is appropriate. I told him at the end that I don't think I was blunt enough that if there are improvements made over the course of weeks that is great, but that I don't really have time for that. He said that we would talk today after he thinks about some things & talks to his older son and that is when I need to tell him that I need to look for something else. The family is going on a cruise getting back the first week of January, and I have decided, (and need to stick to this decision), that I will be diligently looking for jobs & that I will leave when the family gets back from the cruise. This is so super hard...the 10 year old girl chooses last night to proudly present me with a santa hat with my name painted on it. :-( My Mom pointed out that the longer I stay the harder it is going to be to leave, (as far as my emotional attachment to the two younger kids.)"
posted at 11:59:34 on December 14, 2009 by needhelp38
You're a good person    
"I can't believe you feel so much compassion for that family. I don't think you can go wrong with whatever you choose to do, as long as you feel that the Lord supports your decision.

You inspire me to be a kinder person. Thanks for your example."
posted at 12:12:22 on December 14, 2009 by ETTE

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"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball