almost a year
By toes_23
11/28/2009 8:57:31 PM
It's been almost a year since I last acted out. WOW. I never thought this day would come. I've had some "hard times" and some struggles, temptations, bitter feelings, anxiety.. you name it, it's been hard. But it feels good to have come so far.
Lately I've been having a hard time dealing with my husbands addiction. I am so stinking snoopy on his computer, I check almost everyday to make sure he's being safe, and almost everyday I find something that I didn't want to find. Part of me feels guilty for checking up on him, but I did tell him that I was doing it. The thing that ticks me off is that he hasn't told me when he messes up. Then I indulge in my new addiction... shopping (it's better then the alternative) and I'm grumpy all day with the kids and with him and he can't seem to figure out why.

I'm VERY understanding when it comes to the pornography. HECK I don't like it, but I empathize 100% with his actions. IT'S HARD TO BE GOOD!! I know it's hard. I just want him to be honest.

How can I make myself more approachable? Should I bring up again how much dishonesty hurts more then his acting out? I used to hate it when he would check up on me all the time, but that was usually because I wasn't doing very well...

any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful....


my experiences    
"Congrats on the year. That really is great.

Speaking as a husband (12 years) who's had some problems with porn and other inappropriate behaviors for some time, it's not always easy to talk to one's wife about it. Even though my wife has told me repeatedly I can tell her anything without fear of retribution, it's still not easy to talk to her about it. Her opinion of me is more important than anyone else's, by a long shot.

The best progress she and I ever made was when we BOTH went to the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings. It gave me a place to talk to people I identified with, and it gave her the peace of mind that I was getting it out. I'm still honest with her about my problems, but she doesn't always need a blow by blow description.

For a long time my wife insisted that I tell her every time I had a slip. But the truth is, our spouses don't always make the best "confessional". And there's a reason why in any 12 step program a spouse shouldn't be a sponsor.

The most important thing is talking to the bishop and, of course, true repentance through prayer.

Just a few things to think about.

posted at 23:48:36 on November 28, 2009 by jhamilton75
"Congratulations on the year…that is awesome!

This post helped me understand a little more.

I was at my children’s school today and while I was waiting in the hall a class of 1st graders was walking by…one of the boys proudly stated, “I’ve been in school for three years because I had to do kindergarten twice”…His sweet honesty was adorable to me…Satan hasn’t yet gotten to him, to let him know that there are some things in life that you don’t go around talking about. Satan sure does a good job of fooling us into believing that secrets can stay secrets, and lying is sometimes necessary. I don’t need much…but I do need honesty.

I am a bluntly ridiculously honest individual. Sometimes my honesty gets me in trouble…but lying really isn’t an option for me. So when I found out my husband was involved with some bad things and then lied to me about it...blew me away. 2 wrongs don’t make a right…Honesty always sets you I couldn’t really understand why he wouldn’t just confess what he had done to me. But reading your post on how it’s hard for your husband to tell you when he is struggling, even though you have struggled with the same issues…really puts it into perspective about how hard it must be, to be so honest about something you are ashamed of. There was a time when I knew my husband was involved with pornography and he was lying to me about it...I tried to think of ways to reconnect with him. I’m sorry to say one of the options that crossed my mind was indulging in pornography with him, at least that way we would have honesty (or so I thought). Lucky for me and my family, pornography makes me physically sick…literally; when I have found it on our computer…it’s hard for me to get feeling better. I felt like a failure, I can even sin right! But hearing you say that even though you deal with the same issues, your husband still has a hard time coming to you. I now realize it probably wouldn’t have made it any easier on my husband to have me have this issue too. By no means am I saying it’s ok to have our husbands lie…but I understand a little more about the credit I need to give my husband when he is honest with me.

I don’t really have any advice, but I want you to know that I know how it feels to be doing all you can to be a good person…but your spouse is using their agency for a different cause. You are a beautiful daughter of God. Thank you for the understanding you have given to me.

Keep up the good work…you’re in my prayers!"
posted at 15:13:46 on November 30, 2009 by summer
"Thank you for the suggestions, I read a bunch of them out loud to my husband and he agrees, some of the things you (beclean) suggested, we have done in the past, but have forgotten that those things work, so thanks for the reminder. Beclean, I am also an addict, so I try to be very empathetic towards my husband because he bestows the same kind of empathy to me. He IS my hero, and I know what he is going through 100%

Summer-- I'm glad my post helped you out a little, I know I have a unique perspective on the issue of pornography because I am both a "loved one" and an addict, I actually quit posting for a while because some of the threads loved ones posted were so heart breaking to me... I am glad that you love and support your husband, he really needs your love. Being an addict is hard, and working through the issues (especially because satan doesn't want us to work through them) is harder.

J-- I agree with you when you say it is easier when BOTH of us go to the LDSar meetings, they have a couples group here in my town, and it really brings us closer together when we go.

Thanks all!!"
posted at 00:08:34 on December 1, 2009 by toes_23
Supportive dialogue    
"I always tell my wife when I mess up--it's part of my process of starting over. But SOMETIMES it takes longer than others; sometimes up to a whole day for me to "get up the courage" to tell her. I know that the big reason I delay telling my wife is that I am simply ashamed of myself. I need to come to terms with it myself and tell her when I am ready--I can't be ambushed into it. If she were to ask me RIGHT after whether I had messed up, I might be tempted to lie because I am not ready to have the conversation. The biggest thing my wife could do to help me tell her is be encouraging and understanding when I do tell her. I think that sometimes spouses think that they should show their disapproval so that the offender doesn't "get off too easy." They think that tough love is helpful. I do not think that it is with this particular vice. We already feel enough shame all by ourselves--we are already beating ourselves up over this, and that only leads to more problems. We don't need anyone helping the beating by looking dissapointed or hurt. the best thing a supporting spouse could do is train the addict to know that although they should feel ashamed of the act, they should never feel ashamed of actually disclosing the act. Disclosure is a GOOD thing. It should not be punished. it should be rewarded if possible--even if its only with a hug and a "thanks for telling me." The best things a spouse can say when an addict discloses is "thanks for trusting me and telling me. you are already moving on from this little bump. you did so good these last few days (or whatever time frame they are working with) and I know that you can do even better. don't think about this mistake anymore. lets say a prayer together."

wow. now THAT is support."
posted at 19:40:37 on December 1, 2009 by bestself
"I like the idea of saying a prayer together after. Thank you for that suggestion! I try to be supportive and not show my disappointment, but I think a prayer would really be supportive. Thanks for that suggestion!"
posted at 22:49:54 on December 1, 2009 by toes_23

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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006