starting over again
By adrastos
11/28/2009 7:53:40 AM
I acted out yesterday and I'm starting over. I need to tell my wife, and I will, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it just yet. I'm trying to be optimistic about this and learn from my experience, but it just seems like nothing works. I'm going to attempt to focus on surrendering to God this time. I'm going to try to give that all that I have. But its not just something you say "oh I'm going to surrender myself now", its a lot harder to do than to say I think. Especially when you are in the moment.

I appreciate your support.


Unconditional Love    
"You probably already know this, but a reminder may not hurt. The Lord is with us for better or for worse. All we have to do is invite Him into our lives and let Him take over. The only hard part of submission is being humble enough to turn everything over to God. One simple thing that has helped me a ton with submission is kneeling down and saying verbal prayers instead of just praying in my mind while I'm already in bed.

I know how hard it can be to surrender right after acting out, since we feel so distant from God. What really helped me after my last relapse was the encouragement I got from my Bishop, my sponsor, the wonderful people on this site, and the peaceful feelings of the Spirit. I think what made the biggest difference for me last time was that I promised the Lord that I would give Him my whole life, both my successes and my failures.

You can do this, Adrastos! I'm finally starting to believe that we all have a shot at permanent recovery through the Savior."
posted at 02:45:02 on November 29, 2009 by ETTE
"Thank you for your words of encouragement. I sometimes have a hard getting back on my feet. And I have had a hard time being humble enough to surrender myself completely, I don't know what my problem is, but I have had a difficult time. Its like the important stuff in my life just stops being important momentarily. I haven't been to my bishop for a little while, I'm trying to be honest with my wife, but its been hard, I need to get back to my scripture study as well. Man its hard to get back on your feet when you knocked yourself on the ground."
posted at 18:16:57 on November 29, 2009 by adrastos
We've all been there...    
"We all feel your pain and disappointment. I hate the feeling of starting over especially after feeling like you've had so much success. I know it's a fear that we all harbor. The important thing is that you start over and keep starting over as many times as it takes. For me journaling is one of the best ways for me to get some momentum starting over. Something about writing down those feelings and trying to identify how you fell is therapeutic. Good luck!"
posted at 11:13:29 on November 30, 2009 by aug7change
falling down, getting back up    
"I can usually see a fall coming from a mile away. Why I can't stop it I don't know, it feels inevitable. I start letting my mind wander, start playing with the idea of acting out in my head, but I try to stay strong, but slowly I start inching back towards the filth that is my addiction. But being honest with my wife helps a ton. Temptation not to be honest is very very strong. I don't want to have to see her face when I tell her, that I've messed up for the millionth time. I think she has some hope in her heart that I'll get over this, but I feel that its pretty bleak. I can't blame her, my hope feels that way sometimes as well. Getting back on my feet is very hard, it almost takes some kind of event or something. Often when I relapse, it takes a long while to get to the point where I can start abstaining again. Sad but true."
posted at 17:16:19 on November 30, 2009 by adrastos
Another Cheer    
"OK, my first thought was, " three cheers for your earlier post were premature."

My second thought was, "What am I thinking!? You absolutely deserved three cheers for coming to the site last time BEFORE you messed up. And you know what, you deserve another three cheers for getting back up after you fell. You see, you reported to us. You WILL (or have already?) report to your wife. A couple days earlier, you skipped a fall altogether. Good job! I see some good."

I don't know you, but I know there are things to celebrate, even in this stumble. Find the things to celebrate, Adrastos. Don't dwell on the negative. Shrug it off. Learn from it. Get up. That's why we have the atonement. God still loves you. So do we. He doesn't want you to beat yourself up over it. He wants you to learn from it and move on to something else. You are much more than this addiction.

Hip Hip Hurrah!!"
posted at 22:48:02 on November 30, 2009 by BeClean
"I really appreciate your comments. I have told my wife that I've been doing not so good. And I've called my cell phone company and got the internet turned off my phone (one of my sources of problems). I told my wife that I still feel that I'm doing better than before. I'm being honest with her, I'm not completely beating myself up, and I'm getting out of my slump quicker. I've also been developing a habit of coming to this website when I'm tempted to go to another website."
posted at 10:47:29 on December 1, 2009 by adrastos
You can start right now.    
"One of the coolest things about being ...whatever it is that we are... is that we are really free to choose right now how we are going to act. Addictions are strong--sometimes they feel overpowering. But think about it for a second: even in the moment of the most insupportable temptation, I know that if I was strong enough, I could walk away. The only thing keeping me there is me. So why don't I? Because I am weak, of course. Duh. But God is strong. And in that moment, I have to be able to say, "God, I know I should leave, but I feel weak. I need you to give me the strength to leave."

I know...I know...believe me, I know...all of these plans look great on paper. But in real life, its not so easy.

Theres one thing that looks good on paper AND it works in real life: Jesus loves you. Even at my darkest moments I can still genuinely believe that. I don't understand it, but I believe it."
posted at 20:06:31 on December 1, 2009 by bestself
You can ask Him for anything.    
"In the midst of looking at porn I asked Him to remove my lustful desires to allow me to pull away. He did and I was able to without a second thought for the rest of the day. In the middle of an extended relapse I knew I needed to quit and try again, but I really didn’t want to. I asked Him to help me want to quit and the desire came. Humility, sincerity and asking Him have been the keys for me. Sometimes I’m not even humble and it still works. I guess Heavenly Father wants to help so much He will take whatever He can get. When my addiction had almost beat me to death I told him one day that I obviously couldn’t beat this thing and I wasn’t even going to try. I told Him it was His problem now. I was tired, angry and frustrated, but definitely not humble. Within 30 days I was sitting in my first recovery meeting.

I’ve found God can handle any degree of honesty I am willing to give and will help me make the next step regardless of how big of a hole I have dug for myself."
posted at 18:40:15 on December 2, 2009 by justjohn
"Yeah, I think one needs to ask the right thing. I can ask God to help me, but being more specific is going to be better, and it helps us get and the root of the problem. If in the moment I have no desire to get away from p0rn, then I need to ask for the desire to get away. Of course you are right, humility and sincerity are very important. I appreciate your comments.

Bestself, thanks for the reminder, yes its important to remember that at any given moment we have the freedom to choose. If we are feeling particularly week we can always turn to God for help."
posted at 13:25:02 on December 3, 2009 by adrastos

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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990