Why do I do the things I hate?
10/21/2009 11:31:40 AM
I relapsed yesterday. I knew it was going to happen, but I didn’t try to stop it. I hate looking at p~rn and m~sturbating, it makes my stomach turn when I think about doing it. Why do I keep turning back to it when I know it will only make me miserable?

At least I have the support of the Savior and the wonderful people on this site. I really felt a ton better after going through and reading the posts you left for me on my other blog. Thanks Adrastos, Gondor, Matrix, and Summer.

I always thought that boredom was my main trigger, but that wasn’t the case this time around. I don’t want to excuse my behavior, but I do think it’s wise to recognize some of its causes. Four hours of sleep a night plus fifteen hours on campus a day, repeated a couple days in a row, is my recipe for losing sobriety. I love school and studying so much that I probably let my passion for academics throw my life out of balance.

I already spoke with my Bishop about it. He was very supportive and gave me some great advice, but he wouldn’t take my Temple Recommend when I tried giving it to him. He told me that I’m beating myself up too much.

Naturally, I feel disappointed, but I think speaking with my bishop has kept me from feeling too depressed about the whole thing. I usually get really depressed and relapse over and over as soon as I lose my sobriety. I hope that won't happen this time.

Please keep me in your prayers.


prayers are with you    
"You're in my prayers here. Keep your chin up. The fact that you're able to go to the bishop about this is the most significant part. That means there's hope. As long as you're still trying, there's hope.
Best wishes,
posted at 12:42:13 on October 21, 2009 by jhamilton75
My prayers are with you    
"I agree with awesome you went to the bishop!! There is so much hope. You want this so badly, I know you can do it! Please keep posting so we know how our dear brother is doing, there are so many who care about you and your recovery."
posted at 13:04:54 on October 21, 2009 by summer
a minor set back    
"Ette, I feel your pain. And truthfully I want to get to the point where you are (even with your relapse). I haven't been able to get more than 3 days of sobriety under my belt. And I hate to say this, but I keep lying about it to my wife. I don't want her to know how badly I'm struggling, but I know I should do that. I've been honest with my bishop though, but sometimes when I'm struggling like this I tend to avoid setting up my weekly appointment. I hate going in there and telling him I've failed again.

So, I don't really have any advice, because I don't know what works yet. But the scriptures say that all things are possible with God. And my Bishop told me that all signs (save it be sinning against the Holy Ghost) can be forgiven in this life.

Keep going, you'll get there."
posted at 13:12:19 on October 22, 2009 by adrastos
"I'm going to try to be very careful with any advice I give you; and I hope I won't cross any boundaries or write anything I'll regret later.

After reading your post, I gained a different perspective on what it must be like to be a married addict. I might be way off on this, but I bet having to tell your wife about the details of your struggles would be a lot like having to tell your siblings or your parents about it. Either way, I can't imagine it being very fun. I do think it's important for your wife to know that you are struggling, but it may be more beneficial for both of you if she and the Bishop are not the only people you can rely on when you need help.

You may want to find a sponsor who can guide you through the recovery process. Bishops and family members are great, but they might not have the same time and perspective that a recovered addict does. I don't know if you can find a sponsor at the LDS recovery meetings, because I'm not very involved in those, but I do know for sure that you can find one at Sexaholics Anonymous. It would be well worth your time to get involved with some sort of a group and find someone you can trust to sponsor you.

Thanks for empathizing with me. I'm convinced that we can become clean as long as we're honest and humble. Best of luck to you."
posted at 15:44:17 on October 22, 2009 by ETTE
"Telling your spouse is much worse than telling your parent or sibling. It hurts them more than you can know. My wife knows that I struggle, and I let her know that I've been struggling recently. Its hard to be completely forthcoming with her when I'm struggling really bad. But I know I need to, when I hold back its easier to give into the addiction. Talking to her last night gave me a boost today.

Ad for a sponsor, I don't understand what they do. I have been going to LDS recovery meetings, but I guess I don't talk to them outside of the meetings. But I think your right, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone who understood what this is about. My wife, bishop, brother, and other family members who know that I'm struggling don't understand what I'm going through. My brother just tells me that I just have to stop. Well, duh!? I've also done counseling before from LDS Family services (a couple of times), I can't really afford that right now.

I just have this feeling deep down inside that its time to put this aside, if I hold on to this much longer (maybe months or years) I will lose my family. The thought of losing my wife and kids is to painful to think about, but when temptation comes its as if I forget what's really important in my life and I let apathy set in. I am so very lucky to still have my family at this point. I've seen so many men who have lost everything in their lives because of this addiction. Whenever I hear that in my meetings, it scares me to death. I have to get back to the temple and heal my family while I still have a family."
posted at 17:00:54 on October 26, 2009 by adrastos
"This seems to be a very good network here. Lots of loving and helpful people. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me, I didn't fail but I knew I was teatering. It's funny, the longer I go the more clearly it becomes for me, and more obvious that my actions are heading in the wrong direction. Before, I would carelessly walk along the cliff's edge without any thought that it could and always did, lead to my fall. Now it seems I am catching myself as I drift toward the edge, before it becomes a problem. Anyway, knuckle down and do your best, and post your heart on this essentially anonymous site for those of us who know what you are dealing with and want you to succeed. Back to my example from yesterday, it was so awesome to read shortly after my post, that SUMMER said a prayer for me... so cool!"
posted at 10:04:19 on October 28, 2009 by aug7change
"That's all we can do is our best, and put our faith, hope, and everything else in God's hands. Its so difficult because the times when temptation comes the strongest is also the times when its hardest for me to see everything clearly. But I've been doing good for the last couple of days and I'll keep plugging along."
posted at 14:46:37 on October 28, 2009 by adrastos

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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987