I gave up
10/19/2009 11:43:17 AM
Last Saturday, after 81 days of hard-earned sobriety, the urges finally became stronger than my will power. All my best efforts weren’t enough to push the desires and thoughts out of my mind. Surrendering the bad thoughts one at a time to the Lord was also ineffective. There was nothing left for me to do. I had hit bottom and realized I was powerless over my addiction. My sheer will power may have been a worthy opponent for the overwhelming urges of my addiction for the first 81 days of my sobriety, but in the end I couldn’t handle the chronic pain that resulted from running my own recovery.

I gave up. I let go. I fell on my knees, burst into tears, and told the Lord I wasn’t strong enough to run the show anymore. I couldn’t fight the urges for even another minute. I completely surrendered my will to His. I didn’t just dump some isolated temptations and sins on Him, I gave Him everything: all the victories I had gained over temptations on my own, 81 days of sobriety, all my righteous desires and endeavors. I gave it all to Him.

I cried. I wept. I didn’t weep for sorrow, but rather because I had gained a much deeper understanding of who Jesus Christ really is, and what He offers me. I get it now. I have not earned 83 days of sobriety, the Lord has given me 83 days of sobriety. It’s not my recovery anymore, it’s His.

Should I still be afraid of relapsing the way I used to be? As long as I stay humble and submissive, the Lord will guide me through every moment of recovery, and that includes both my moments of sobriety and my relapses.

The urges are still overwhelming, but I’m not the one in the ring throwing punches at them. Christ is, and He’s a much grimmer fighter than I’ll ever be.

“If God is for us, who can be against us?” -Romans 8:31


good job    
"Ette, I'm glad that there are such good examples on here. I really appreciate your comments and your strength. It did take a lot of strength to turn towards the Lord at that moment. In the past when things like that have happened to me I have then acted out, but then its been a really really long time since I had that much sobriety.

good job, stay strong"
posted at 12:49:59 on October 19, 2009 by adrastos
Thats Great!    
"I'm also so glad that you are still fighting Ette. for awhile we were both goin' at it. Unfortunately I failed shortly after day 70. It was pretty stupid too, I needed to do exactly what you just did. I needed to give up and give it all to God.

I'm doing better now. I wish it was more than just 3 days, but the relapse helped me stay humble. I hope you're still doing well, I think your comments are great and inspiring. Thanks..."
posted at 08:10:25 on October 20, 2009 by Gondor44646
Barely sober..    
"I don't feel very much keeping me from relapsing. I had some extremely close calls today, and I'm sure it won't be long before I get to start over. Starting over has it's benefits though, it would be nice to have clean sobriety time that's not laced with moments of weakness. I also believe that my newly defined relationship with the Savior will make starting over easier if it comes to that.

Thanks for the comments, Adrastos and Gondor. I pray for both of you by name at least once a day. It's nice to know that we're not in this alone. Please continue to post your progress, it helps me so much to see how the Lord is working in your lives."
posted at 22:52:31 on October 20, 2009 by ETTE
All That Matters is Up    
"Being an addict is hard. I know I sometimes have to tell myself that if I can be sober for just an hour, I can give in later and when later comes, I no longer want to give in or I give myself another hour before I can give in. I'm so happy you aren't totally beating yourself up, either. Like you said it's all on Christ. He will pick you up whenever you fall but only if you let him. All you have to do is let him take control and he'll never take you anywhere you don't want to be. I dunno if this will help, but I view each relapse as a learning experience. It's a time to learn more about my Savior and what he can and will do for me and learn more about myself and what I need to do to stay sober. You can do this, we all can do this. There is always a way out as long as we turn to the Lord. Much love toward you."
posted at 01:05:20 on October 21, 2009 by Matrix
You are in my prayers    
"I went onto to find some info on weakness and sin…I understand the point you make about not wanting to have this weakness, but keep in mind you have abstained from sinning (you say “barely sober”, but barely sober is still sober).

“We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope.” This quote came from President Ezra Taft Benson’s article in the Ensign.
I thought it was a good message, written way back in 1990…but still holds true today. We are so blessed to have prophets on the earth today to guide us in our struggles. Heavenly Father loves each of us so much and wants us to succeed.
Ette, so many others have found strength and comfort in your posts and comments…thank you for reaching out to others and being such an uplifting force. You have helped me more than you know. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Here's the link"
posted at 08:06:06 on October 21, 2009 by summer

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"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967