10/9/2009 12:58:34 PM
Yesterday was the worse day I’ve had in my recovery so far. I set myself up for a lot of problems by forgetting to stay vigilant in controlling my thoughts. On top of that, now I feel like a hypocrite because I recently wrote a huge reply to Gondor about how essential controlling bad thoughts is for a recovering addict.

I’m still sober, for which I’m very grateful, but I’ve definitely taken a few steps backward in my recovery. I was doing so good at shielding myself from the damaging effects of lust, I think it had been more than a month since I had entertained a lustful thought for more than five seconds, but that all changed yesterday.

I was just sitting in class, feeling really bored, when I noticed a girl and I started lusting. I didn’t even realize what I was doing, so I let my lustful fantasy continue for the rest of that class. Later in the afternoon, I found myself ahead of my homework, so I sat down and watched a couple hours of sitcoms on TV with my roommates. Bad idea! I don’t think my mind is clean enough to enjoy a sitcom yet, because watching TV triggered a whole array of filthy thoughts, and I didn’t even try to get rid of them because I was preoccupied with watching TV.

The end result of a long day filled with lust was that after reading my scriptures and praying and then lying in bed, I realized my head was spinning with filth and that acting out seemed like a pretty good idea. I knew I wasn't supposed to act out, but at that moment I could only think of a couple reasons why. This caused a very painful internal struggle that kept me awake from 11:00 pm to 1:30 am.

After a lot of praying and a lot of fighting with myself, I finally felt an overwhelming prompting to get out of bed, put on my shoes and get in my car. I ended up driving for a long time, while my mind continued to carry on a violent fight with itself. Before I knew it, I was parked at the bottom of a hiking trail that went straight up the side of a mountain. I ran up that trail and the bad thoughts and internal struggle in my head faded with every step I took. After a few minutes of running, my desire for lust was overcome by a much more urgent need. I needed oxygen, and that was the only thing I could think about. This was the best thing that happened to me all day! My journey back home last night was much less dramatic than the journey to the mountain trail, and I didn’t have any trouble falling asleep immediately after that.

Today, it's a lot easier for me to see where I went wrong yesterday. I have to keep better control of my thoughts, and I have to stay away from TV. The next time I’m bored I should write on this website instead. Although, I’m still technically sober, I feel pretty down on myself for getting so close to the line. In my heart, I had already acted out. I’m so grateful for the Savior and that He can forgive me of my behavior!

I realize this is a super long post, but being honest about my mistakes really makes healing a lot easier for me.


a good learning experience    
"That was good that you were able to follow the promptings to get out of your house like that, and the fact that you were able to get yourself to the point where you could feel the promptings because of your prayers. This probably was a good learning experience for you. Its so easy to slip when you let your mind wonder. I struggle with this a lot myself."
posted at 14:17:38 on October 9, 2009 by adrastos
"Please see the positive in what you did with your situation. You listened to the promptings and you made it through that night. I can't tell you how much I wish my husband would run up a mountain to stay true to his covenants. I admire your desire to be clean in every way. I'm so sorry you had a rough night. You are in my prayers. You can do this!!"
posted at 15:31:23 on October 10, 2009 by summer

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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988