CoDA Step 1
By sistershan
9/20/2009 12:40:03 PM
CoDa Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable

Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? I know that I’m exerting influence with Allan. I’m working hard on backing off. He has to learn his life lessons on his own; I can’t push him to it. I found myself in a situation where he wasn’t learning, growing and changing, and I couldn’t stay with him anymore where he was at. I had to tell him that I was leaving. I couldn’t live this way anymore. I pointed out that he was codependent and needed to fix a lot of things in order for me to stay. I think of this not as exerting power or influence, but taking care of myself with people, finally. I’ve put up with this for 17 years and it’s time to stop.
Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Most of my stress is coming from our financial situation and Allan. We don’t have enough money coming in to support us, and Allan has gotten himself into a position where he can’t do much better. It angers me that I’ve fulfilled my part of our lives and he hasn’t his. I was supposed to make a home for us, take care of the kids, clean, cook, etc. I’ve done that. Not perfectly, but I’ve done it. We have great kids and everyone is well fed and the house, while not spotless by any means, is clean and taken care of. He is supposed to bring in enough money to support us and be a husband and father. He hasn’t done well in any of those. We need to find a new place to live because we can’t afford this one. We can’t afford anything big enough for us.
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying or avoiding? I’ve wondered for years if I should have gotten on the career track and taken control of the money coming in. I’m not sure what else should go here. I’m not sure what else I’ve been avoiding or denying. I’m sure there is something because this activity stood out for me. I guess I need to ponder on this.
What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? I would have to face what’s wrong with me. I would have to delve into the cesspool that is me and wade through it. I would have to face my binge/emotional eating. I would have to face my increasing issues with spending/shopping. I would have to face my weight and do something about it.
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I would have to take responsibility for myself and my actions. I would have to figure out how to live my life. I would have to make my own decisions. In the process of doing these things, I would learn to love me and accept myself. I would become more confident.
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions –I do ok in this area, I think. I do better when I’m on my meds, though. Finances – this area sucks! Not enough coming in and I’m having new issues with spending. Spirituality – I’m rockin in this area! I’ve grown so much here. Physical health – Not so good here. Headaches/migraine, arthritis, weight, IBS ugh Career – Again, my career is my house and kids. That’s going well.
What are you doing for fun, pleasure and enjoyment? Music is first; listening and singing. I knit, read, crochet, attend church activities, play around on the computer, starting to go out with my sisters.
Does your mind feel clear and consistent? No, it doesn’t. I have trouble concentrating at times; and that is happening more and more often lately.
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Allan. I’m coming to realize that’s not right. But, I don’t really know what I could have done or can do about it. I know that I’m responsible for how I react to things and that is the biggest influence on my health.
What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? Stressing. I resent Allan for not taking care of things properly and putting us in this position.
What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve step group? Melisa asked me to. I knew that I needed to address my weight/eating. There wasn’t a particular incident.
Who or what are you most worried about? I’m most worried about me and our finances.


I understand    
"Sister Shan, I'm in a similar position. After 20 years of marriage the denial has finally dropped (with the help of ARP and therapy) and I'm sickened by how bad I let my life get by focusing on manipulating others instead of taking care of myself and my issues. I'm also a stay at home mom, but taking steps to work soon as this situation is not good for me or my children. I told my bishop that staying in this abusive relationship is like spiritual suicide. Best of luck to you, God will lead you by the hand as you work the steps and pray often. Big hugs to you!"
posted at 07:29:49 on October 15, 2013 by Anonymous

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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006