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where is the lake?
By robin
9/17/2009 8:52:26 AM
I hurt so bad I can almost not bare it tonight. I am so lonely. The thing that is killing me is something I cannot share with out serious side effects. It is so weird how a bad day like this will sneak up on me. It started last night on the way home from a ball game. I thought carpooling with a friend was a good idea. She talked the whole way home about her sister and her discovery that her husband has not been clean from his addiction, yet again. My friend doesn’t know that she is hurting me, that I would be more comfortable sitting in the middle of an ant hill. She doesn’t know that I know exactly how devistated her sister is. Often I can let days like today roll off my shoulders. I convince myself that I won’t ever be surprised again with an awful truth. A truth that I must face alone. Yesterday was not one of those times. I hurt so badly by the time I got home I could hardly function. I visualize jumping in a lake…just let me sink slowly, miserably to the bottom. It might even feel good.

My husband could tell something was wrong last night. He persisited and I told him a little bit of what was bothering me. He is doing better at handling this….but as usual when things are unpleasant, he left very early this morning, came home late, worked in the garage, and ate supper after the rest of us were through. He went to bed before me…..hardly a word all day. Sometimes I get so angry, even think I hate him. He says he wants me to tell him what is bothering me, but in the end it is NEVER worth it. It is miserable….HELL afterward. You know what else is hell? Knowing that there is a good chance my children will struggle with this addiction one way or another too. I get sick when I think about what my girls may face. I love my husband. He is a very good man, but this is hell or something close to it and it is every where. I am so disallusioned with men and life and even what our purpose is here. I wonder if I will end up just giving up, giving up on everything…myself, my marriage, my testimony.

Comments:

Never give up...    
"God loves you...

This makes me feel sad. I'm probably not the best in giving advice, but for the record, I feel for you and I hope you never give up.

It wasn't to long ago when I was still just a kid too. One part of this Hell was the shock, confusion, guilt, and shame that came when I started to grow up observing that Pornography appeared inherently doomed within us. The world around us makes it seem like its supposed to happen. Nothing hurt me or confused me more than those moments of hopelessness...

However, I'm always learning more about God's plan for us. I may say a lot how I've realized that our natural self doesn't have to be us, and how God made us this way only for the righteous use of these powers.

This one thing I know, everybody will have to put off the natural being at one point. Everybody will have to make that choice, Every young Man, every young Women. After understanding both good and evil, it literally becomes a commitment to never indulge. Without resubmitting your will to God it just stays an addiction over and over again. I wish I would have done it sooner, but as a part of the learning experience of this mortal life, we must repent of our sins and rely on Jesus Christ to remove what we can't, particular the past and our sins.

I hope the best for you Robin. Teach your children the difference between Good and evil, and that God always loves them and wants the best for them. I might not know much here, but I hope you can express your feelings of sadness here, to God and your husband. That is all..."
posted at 11:01:27 on September 17, 2009 by Gondor44646
Robin    
"I hear you loud and clear. I never thought I would be in this situation with an addict husband. I don’t want to be like your friend's sister, but how will I know if I am? I didn’t know before.
I have a lot of good friends…but none of them are aware of this struggle I have been facing. I find it difficult to be in normal social situations…because I feel anything but normal. People think I live this “charmed” life, that nothing bad has ever happened to me…I HATE THAT!! It’s not that I want people to know about my husband’s addiction, but I hate being looked up to as someone who has it all together. The only thing that brings me temporary peace is being held by my husband (usually I’m crying). But my husband sees my crying and weakness as a dig at him. I just don’t have anyone to talk to, I have kept this between my husband and I. So when my husband asks what is wrong…do I tell him and risk him pulling away? I think he feels like I don’t want to be near the one that has hurt me so badly…maybe that is how your husband feels? How do you explain to someone that it hurts more to be avoided?...I just need to be held. I feel like the worst days are the ones that I offend my husband, and he tries to “give me my space”. I don’t want space, I want my husband to be real with me. Oddly enough some of the good days are when my husband just lets me cry it out and holds me. One thing that I have been doing the past few weeks is hitting the gym hard!! Turns out I have a lot of aggression. Listening to my mp3 player and lifting weights, is the only time my life isn’t consumed by doubt and fear…I decide how long I lift and how much weight I will carry. With this problem my husband has brought into our lives, I did not have a say on how much it would hurt me…it just hurts and bad. But running or lifting weights makes me feel like I have a say on my physical load. My emotional load is still there waiting for me when my workout is done, but I feel like my head is clearer when I take time out of the day for myself. Robin-I hope you are finding ways to take care of you! You deserve to be happy! I have read some of your posts and comments and I have drawn strength from you, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you are hurting. Please know that you are not alone. "
posted at 12:21:50 on September 18, 2009 by summer
The Continuous Atonement    
"Robin, This is nyronian -- for some reason I can't log in.

I have not checked in for quite some time. To be honest for a while, this website would depress me and sometime cause me to fall backward. I was not ready to be strong enough to continue blogging regularly.

I am SO saddened to hear of your sadness. The Lord told the 3 nephites who wished to stay on this earth till the second coming that they would feel peace in this life but would still feel sadness for the sins of this world.

I have one heart-felt recommendation for you. Get, read and study "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox. http://deseretbook.com/item/5013881/The_Continuous_Atonement It is an amazing book with tremendous insite into the atonement of the likes that I have never read before. It is such easy reading and very comforting as to who the atonement really works in EVERYONES lives. Not just us that have sinned so horribly but for everyone. I have been touched by the spirit each time I read it.

I would like to share with you a simple story. I have been the last few months feeling wonderful. I had felt the the Savior had finally changed me. I had no more desire to do evil. I felt amazing. I would stand in awe each night as I scoffed at even the thought of inpurity. I wondered how I had ever done anything that was unpure. It was an amazing gift from my Heavenly Father. I, for the first time in 20 years, was not afraid of the future. Then this last week, it all hit me again. Impure thoughts that I couldn't get out of my head. I fought, struggled and was so angry with myself that I could not control them. I do not know what happened. I began to feel sorry for myself again. I became depressed and today I realized that everything in my life I was a failure at...or so I told myself. This evening I was finally sick of the way I felt. I had stopped reading my scriptures this week, stopped "drawing near unto the savior so he could draw near unto me". I opened up The Continuous Atonement and started reading. I then read this: "When we enjoy the Holy Ghost, we enjoy light, happiness, peace, protection and all gifts of the Spirit. The opposite includes darkness, discouragement, frustration and fear."

I realized that I had not invited and worked with all my heart to have the Holy Spirit in my life at ALL costs! I had had a rough day and then simply set aside the savior.

I testify that the atonement and the atonement alone is the ONLY thing that can heal.

Please find a way to get the book. If you cannot afford it, I will mail it to you. My heart is broken for you and your husband. The Atonement is about change. If it is not changing us, changing our heart, then WE are not accepting the gift from our Savior. As John Bytheway said, "if we are drowning and someone throws us the preserver, is it up to us to accept or reject it". The preserver is there, we can decide to reject it or not.

May God Bless you in all of your efforts. Expend ALL your energy to draw close to the Savior."
posted at 21:18:15 on September 19, 2009 by Anonymous
thank you    
"thank you"
posted at 16:12:44 on September 21, 2009 by robin
Hi Robin    
"Robin, I'm so sad hearing you share. I know my wife has many of these same feelings often. For me it's so good (though painful) to be reminded of the hurt that our actions cause the ones we love most. Thank you for the reminder. I hope you're doing OK. Don't give up. You have many who are praying for you."
posted at 18:53:42 on September 23, 2009 by derek


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990