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Powerless
By dazed
8/15/2009 9:12:53 PM
Step 1 - Key Principle — Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
I definitely feel powerless. I don't even know how to think about what I have most recently done. I know I feel bad about it, but it makes me wonder, how should I really be feeling about my recent binge?

Don't get me wrong, I feel horrible. I feel like I have betrayed my wife, and my bishop who always encourages me and tells me he knows I will overcome this in my life.

So, I know I should feel bad about subjecting my spirit and brain to absolute filfth, but if I feel like what I did is going to change my brain forever and weaken my spirit and ruin my life, then what hope is there? If I believe I will never get these images out of my head, then what hope do I have?

On the other hand, if I write the binge off as something I can recover from easily, then I run the risk of setting myself for another excuse to give in. If I tell myself that what I did isn't different than what a lot of functional adults might do (which is a delusion) I might not feel the guilt as much, but since this is what I do right before I have a problem, I'm just easing myself into another incident.

So I guess I'm opting for feeling that what I did was awful, that it was damaging, but that the Savior can fix it, even though I can't. I've got to have faith that the Savior can come to my aid, and I need to show my faith by changing my routine.

My routine is usually to be more vigilant at the beginning of a new sober period, avoiding using the computer as much, looking away from temptation at the beginning, but then gradually dropping my guard until one day I convince myself that I can take a quick look at something and be satisfied. The problem is, once I start, I'm never satisfied. I stop only when some obligation comes up or when I feel so disgusted in myself that I can no longer numb the feeling of self-loathing with more porn.

So I need to admit I am powerless and keep admitting that every day.

Comments:

Hope    
"Dazed,
There is hope for you. One of the phrases that sticks out to me in step 1 is the part where I think it's Neal Maxwell says that the study of gospel doctrine is more likely to correct inproper behavior than the study of bad behavior. In other words, we are imperfect and we will make mistakes. It is not unusual for an addict to slip. What you did was wrong. Get up, dust yourself off, and move forward. One day at a time. Work on being diligent from one moment to the next. Trust in God. And do what he has instructed you to do through his Prophets. That is read your scriptures and work on your 12 steps from the LDSFS ARP guide - every day."
posted at 05:31:24 on August 16, 2009 by intolight
Prayer and meditation    
"What helps me is something found in step 11 (I think). Prayer and meditation must become the LIFEBLOOD of my new life. I find that asI remember this and keep my life filled with prayers for others the desire to return to sin fades away. Meditation by journal writing helps me to remember the great things God has done for me and reminds me that I am piwerless and WANT God's help."
posted at 22:03:17 on August 27, 2009 by Shale


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988