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By Gondor44646
7/7/2009 4:03:51 PM
I just want to desperately type out my frustration that I am having right now. I just failed my problem with pornography. I Have been failing several times per week. Each day I keep telling myself that I can get over this, that I can work my life, get a job, go to college, and that if I can live my life I will get over this. But It just keeps getting worse. When I have small periods of success I am plagued by temptations and thoughts. I become preoccupied... I keep trying to distract myself from these thoughts but they keep coming back. Even while I was away for a week, although I didn't have any technical problems I still did different things to try to acknowledge my problem.

I have been riding my bike more as a form of exercise and distraction, I even went with my friends and gathered several applications at local places for a job. There comes a point when something fails within me. I think of it like a great disabling fear of life. This reminds me of how I overly control my life, where I control my life by doing nothing and avoiding all my fears. I think this might be the most difficult problem I have ever faced... avoiding and locking up has always been something I do when I feel crushed. It kind of reminds me of Anorexia, only in order to control my fears, I control my life by collapsing and giving up.

I know attacking my problem directly will not work as well as simply trying to live and fix my life in general. But my purpose is being put down and I don't know what I am standing up for. I could try standing up for myself, but in the end I end up being a hypocrite. I can trust myself only to be betrayed by myself. I can sincerely promise to accomplish my goals only to fail in horror only wanting the opposite. I can ask myself what I really want, but I end up telling myself I don't know, when in reality I don't think I want to know because I fear it. If I want to live a lazy life with masturbation, and pornography then I don't want to live. I will not know my purpose even with a small job and a small college.

I feel like crap. I am addicted to pornography and masturbation. Rather or not this is a compulsion, addiction or a bad habit doesn't matter to me. I haven't been able to stop at age 16, 17,18 and so on... and maybe it's one of those things I will always work at or struggle with, I don't know. This has been a desperation blog, I'm just sharing my guilt and frustration, thanks for listening, that is all...

Comments:

hang in there    
"you just hang in there and keep bloging and doing the right things and keep asking for his help that is what he is there for .
I have a storythat might help , there was a frammer that had a donkey and he hated that donkey, so he tryed selling the donkey and even tring to give it away, but no one wanted it .
So one day the farmmer dug a dip hole and put the donkey inside the hole he was going to burry it . the farmmer started to throw dirt over the donkey but the donkey would shake the dirt off and up on and he would continual duing that until he was out of the hole .
So the moral of the story is when things pile up on your shoulders shake it off and step up , shake it and step up .

I hope that things go better for you and I will be thinking of you in my prayers may the Lord bless you an dremember that he will be there for you always ......all my love Newsoul"
posted at 08:52:11 on July 8, 2009 by newsoul


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"I will speak briefly of the principle of repentance. How grateful I am for the understanding we have of this great principle. It is not a harsh principle, as I thought when I was a boy. It is kind and merciful. The Hebrew root of the word means, simply, "to turn," or to return, to God. Jehovah pled with the children of Israel: "Return . . . and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful . . . and I will not keep anger for ever. Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God." When we acknowledge our sins, confess them and forsake them, and turn to God, He will forgive us."

— Richard G. Hinckley

General Conference April 2006