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New to LDSAR, but not to Recovery
By razorblade
6/17/2009 12:17:55 PM
Hello to all fellow addicts,

I am glad to find this resource and look forward to the support system and getting to know the great people battling out their addictions one day at a time along with me.

I have had a porn addiction since I was a teenager. I was introduced to it at an even younger age, but started to have minimal access to it in my teens. I served a mission, struggling the first year with masturbation and then fighting it off for the second year and for a couple years afterward.

I picked up porn slowly again when I became frustrated in my marriage intimacy. My wife came from the opposite extreme. She was terrified in the beginning with sex and then later just not really very interested in it.

I took this reality very hard and still do to this day. After years of marriage and individual therapy, we have made little progress in this department. I have learned from recovery books and groups that sex is optional, but I simply don't want to go without it.

Five years ago I very nearly left my wife, but the reality of destruction to a family was too much to bear. We have 3 children and I still feel the horror of breaking up the family. My wife is a good person, good mother, and we get along great. She just doesn't feel the desire for sex very often and she will not have it unless she feels like it.

So there are two issues here. I am a porn addict who needs recovery regardless of what my wife chooses to do or not do. I will never change her. The other isssue is whether or not to stay with her because of my strong desire for a healthy sexual relationship. While I do want recovery from the addiction, I don't want to go without sex. I like it and I want it regularly. Perhaps this is part of the problem.

I have never had an affair, but I have been unfaithful in other ways such as online chatting and whatever porn I have looked at. I am not currently working with a therapist or attending recovery groups, but I am beginning to feel the need to return to those support systems. I can't seem to go more than a few months before I binge. Most of the time, I tend to act out every couple weeks. Once I start in, it last for a few days and then I back off again.

So this website is a good start at least for me. I have always wanted to go to one of those in-patient recovery programs that cost tons of money and work with you for 6 weeks or whatever, but money is an issue. In fact, right now I cannot even afford to spend any money on anything extra because of recent financial woes.

I just wanted to introduce myself and get to know some of you and welcome any feedback. I am a very active member of the church and I look foward to a day when I look back at years of sobriety. I know it can happen. I just hope to learn how to let go and enjoy the full impact of Christ's Atonement in my life.

The funny thing is, I think many of us who believe in the Atonement tend to think it works great for everybody else. We mistakenly deny His power for ourselves. It's insanity to give the adversary that kind of power, but I think that's just what I'm doing. Christ is far more powerful and yet I allow the dark clouds to roll in and start the slippery slide to addiction. Anyway, I love to be a support to others, so don't hesitate to reach out to me. We're in this together.

Razor (obviously not my real name, just a silly cover)

Comments:

Welcome    
"We're glad you found the site Razor, and hope you are doing well. Keep coming and let us know how things are going."
posted at 20:11:41 on June 18, 2009 by derek
Thanks for Sharing    
"Hope to hear from you again soon."
posted at 23:09:55 on June 19, 2009 by SandyMan
I have a story very much like yours    
"I am new to this site but not to trying to over come a P/MB problem. Much of my story is close to that of Razor. I really need a friend, someone to check in with and someone who can help give advice, empathy and a occasional kick in the butt. Please help!"
posted at 15:40:59 on June 29, 2009 by kcalkid
Welcome to the Crazy Train    
"I'm struggling with the 'to leave or not to leave' bit, too. My story is different, but that much is the same. Husband wants passionate sex, I'm not very passionate, at least, not with him historically. Wondering when anyone's going to comment on my posts..."
posted at 17:22:26 on July 13, 2009 by ironsmile
i'm new here    
"Ive trying to stop my porn habit for years without any suceess i'm also a drunk and a dope feind but have be sober for years but the porn thing seems hopless Help!"
posted at 12:04:05 on July 15, 2009 by Anonymous
Hi Razorblade    
"Can you find a pasg group?? I too have went the route with expensive therapists and group therapy, they helped some, but I found no healing until the Pasg program, the church has. I am passionate about this program. I owe my soul to it. The best part is that it is free, no questions as to the motives of the program. It is ran by the church under the direction of the Priesthood. To me this makes it the Lords authorized program of recovery. I have found that the answers to our struggles lies in our fellow addicts who have fallen in the same pit as we have. Yes I look to the leadership of the church for all other answers to my life , but it is not the prophet and the 12 that help me with the day to day struggle. It is my fellow brother addicts I get my direction from, they have been there and know. Don't get me wrong I love the church with all my heart and believe in it. It is just that the leaders I look up to may not have the experience or compassion to be able to relate and help me. In my pasg group we mourn for those who have fallen and rejoice with those who are winning. We share of our llives in a way and place that we would never share outside the room of our group. I hope you can find the help you need. If there is not a pasg group in your area, you can be instrumental in getting one started in your area, you just need a willing stake president to request one. Your lds family services is obligated to fulfill that request. Hope this information is useful to you"
posted at 17:40:51 on July 28, 2009 by harveyf
Just what I needed    
"I am new on here also and just wanted to introduce myself. I got in to Pornography when I was in my teens just as the internet was starting out which posed some problems cause I didn't really know what I was getting into. Through the years I have been battling it over and over again. I went on a mission and thought it was resolved but came back and started getting back into it slowly. The inevitable stresses of life were added on and I turned to computer images and videos coupled with masturbation to cope. In those days it seems that I just learned on my own how to cope with things and going to a therapist was unheard of. I am currently single and know that this problem has impacted my relationships in many ways. I have gone to college am near completion of my doctorate. All this and I still have this problem. It is an itch that I try so hard not to scratch but the urge is too strong. The problem is that I can still live my life and be somewhat successful with this addiction. I think this is because it is gradual and its hard to see the impact it is having on my life. I believe it is slowly destroying me spiritually and before I know it I will be lost in all aspects of my life. I want to change this right now. I want to stick with it and understand my problem and eventually get over it. At this time I do feel helpless, but I have a small amount of hope that I can change. I need help and at the same time I want to help. Please feel free to contact me"
posted at 11:45:46 on July 31, 2009 by remember


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987