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Ok... not peachy?
By Gondor44646
5/28/2009 9:48:08 AM
Ok… more fluff… I admit I feel kind of embarrassed now that I look back in the past. it is the truth, but I feel like I betrayed myself... again, discounted myself, or like I admitted defeat. I'm not sure how to describe it other than that it hurts looking back at it. It's like I am on the ground again trying to do a pushup, but can’t get off the ground. How do you change your own will? The ground can't be that comforting. I am talking more about the roots of my problem rather than the problem itself.

Well, the good news anyway, school is completely done now, I am still doing well against my problem (masturbation) 11 + 8 days ((1 little mistake between the 11 and 8)). It was this same month 1 year ago that I also almost broke out of my problem. Something about school ending I guess.

I was able to get help with college from a friend in my support group. It turns out signing up for college isn't that hard. It's like most things that I do; I just need to figure out that it is possible. Maybe I just expect to see it work, it's like I lack faith in my works. I needed an ecclesiastical endorsement; I’m waiting on that until I am ready, ((until I’ve recovered from my problem))

I talked with myself again last Sunday, I combine push ups and scripture reading, to help myself and I haven't failed yet. I'm still moving around even though school is done, but I feel that in the long term I still have not grasped the concept of how my actions right now can help me in the future.

I'm sorry, I admit the truth, I am feeling sad and upset right now, and for whatever reason I just started crying. I looked back in my past when I first confessed my problem to the bishop. I realized my unwillingness to change my behavior back than, and how much I secretly liked it, even though it brought much misery to me in the long term. But I see this more like my unwillingness in how I live my life right now despite how miserable I become. It's like I refuse to admit there is a spirit in this body.

I'm glad things are still going ok, I hope nobody minds me posting/bloging here like crazy... I will continue to take personal inventory (step 4) on my own willingness (step 3), and I will share the rest of my thoughts some other day… I guess not everthing is peachy... but its ok for now. thanks everybody, that is all.

Comments:

You're awesome    
"Gondor44646,

All I can say is keep up the good work it sounds like you are doing alot better than when you started bloging here the first time and that is great. you keep bloging as much as you want and keep aiming for the stars and the lord will there to help you alone the way !!!!!!"
posted at 10:07:52 on May 28, 2009 by newsoul
this is the plan    
"We were all sent here to learn and struggle. By sticking to your goals and trying over and over again you are working the plan. You are a valiant young man and the adversary would love to add you to his numerous legions of lost souls who gave up. Our Heavenly father provided us with a Savior just for this purpose. Rely on him to fill in the holes you can’t fill in on your own. That is his promise to us. If he promised us he would help he will we just have to do our part. Keep on trying Gondor."
posted at 12:46:25 on May 28, 2009 by Anonymous
Progress    
"I'm happy that you have been making progress Gondor, I am as well although I'm not as far along as you are. On thing you should consider is maybe going to a community college for a while, not only are they cheap but you don't have to hold up your education. I went to BYU for two semesters a few years ago, I did horrible and suffered from depression harder than I ever had before, I failed most of my classes and after a while my problem with masturbation which I hadn't had issues with for two years came back. Immediately after leaving I felt better and was able to stop masterbating. I've been doing much better at my local CC and my depression while still present isn't at the level of what basically is a breakdown. Although my masterbation problem has come back and I'm struggling with i, things are much better. So make sure that the school your trying to get into is right for you."
posted at 12:46:30 on May 29, 2009 by shadow


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988