By Joshua
3/3/2009 7:54:22 PM
So today I falled. The temptation was there all day and I caved into it. I forgot to call upon God thru prayer. Strnage how I know what to do to get rid of or find the strength to overcome the temptation even when it bombards me like that. I should have prayed all day long instead of trying to occupy myself and I should have not put the counsel of my bishop at naught as I thought I was doing so good that I I knew hopw to beat Satan at this game. Guess he was trying low like tyhe bishop was saying thru his own parable of the TV how my back was turn against and he had on mute but today he put it off mute. Well I shouldn't beat myself up for it or else that will probably lead to binging like in the past. I can only move forward, But at times it feels like I take one step forward then I fall and I take 2 steps backward so I never really get anywhere in fact I get further behind. But the good thing I was 28 days sober so that is a really good achievement in my books + I learned about the massive power of prayer and how u can use ur faith to help with your trails and how if u read and study the gospel daily for a little bit that can even fortify so I guess it is back to the grinding board and trying to mete out my own salvation so I can help out others. Thanks once again for this site it has helped me put things in perspective and by making all my blogs it helps me to become more accountable for all my actions. So thank u once again. It is like that skittle I was sucking it all day by thinking about it then the taste got so overwhelming tasty I had to have some So I partook by looking at porn and masterbating and now it tastes awful after I swallowed the skittle. I do not mean to offend matrix by her parable of the skittle it is such that it is a really good comparision.


Keep On Trekking    
"No offense taken. I wrote it like how I felt and it's to be taken how you feel it applies. I'm sorry you relapsed but way to go on 28 days. That's a huge struggle for the first little while but it gets easier over time. I've sucked on those skittles thinking that if I just don't swallow I'll be fine. Unfortunately, I always swallow. One suggestion I have, when you feel the temptation coming, give it over to the Lord even though I know that deep down you don't always want to (thanks Oak). If you can hand it over, you may be surprised at what can happen. Good luck though and keep pushing forward."
posted at 20:55:21 on March 3, 2009 by Matrix
when a low feels like a high    
"i'm going to try to find this skittle parable.

a recent problem for me is that a low (binge, whatever) which was cultivating a relationship with a nice coworker felt like such a high! i felt more fulfillment just hugging him or standing forehead to forehead than i can remember ever feeling during intercourse... i must have been flat out starving for positive attention, i guess. we had set a boundary way back when it was just maybe flirting. there's plenty of opportunity for mixed messages when you say someone is the designated driver, but i clarified

IT'S LIKE BEING ON AN ACID TRIP. I really really seem to want it (intimacy) and may do things, but someone has to sit on me and talk me down so i don't hurt myself. I must have drilled that in pretty well, because a few times when i was misbehaving he said he thought i was having a bad trip again and he was going to change the subject, leave me alone, or whatever it took. He was awesome. The acid trip is the best analogy I can think of because the visual of someone who looks completely normal, but they're convinced the sky is blood red and there are saber toothed tigers coming to get them and every man has a concrete sex toy in their pocket... they need help and compassion...

I don't really want sex. I can and have done without it. But I appear to want it sometimes by the wacky things I do, when I am a walking contradiction. And I often consider it the high price to be paid for someone's kindness or company. It really stinks.

I'll say it again, it really stinks... especially since i'm legally married. (never sealed)"
posted at 22:15:53 on July 11, 2009 by ironsmile

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987