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By robin
2/19/2009 4:58:45 PM
I feel a little numb today or at least did until I sat down to blog. My husband was noticably down this morning. I thought it was because he hadn't heard back about a job he wanted, I was wrong. I kept asking him what was wrong, telling him I loved him and that life was good. I looked in his eyes and asked him to be happy.....then he told me. He had relapsed a bit. I hugged him and he left for work. I didn't dare ask how much or any details. I felt differently than I thought I would. I was just relieved that he told me and very sad for him and how disappointed he was in himself. I have questions. In some ways I would like to know the details, but I wonder what that would do to him and if it would be healthy. I am starting to feel like this is going to be a lengthy struggle that neither of us wish on the other. How I wish he could stay away from this. It is just so strange to me how he is drawn to something that makes him so miserable, so depressed. Things have been good between us. He knows how bad his past has hurt me, and yet he went back. I am not sure what to do to support him. I don't know what to do to help . THis is the first time he has told me of a relapse. It hurts, but it would be much worse if I had found out some other way. What do I do to help him? I don't want to make him think it wasn't a big deal, yet I don't want him to give up on life. He seems so close to that at times.

Comments:

Robin...    
"I'm so sorry. I feel for you sister. I wish I knew the answer. I have no answers to give anyone including myself. I have been praying ALL day today to know what I should do about my own situation. Like you, things have been going SO good. My husband is now EQ President and I have seen such a change in him. He is thoughtful, patient, kind, full of compliments (trying to build up my self esteem which he so thouroughly destroyed). I had just about convinced myself that the whole porn issue was firmly and solidly in the past. Then I saw that he had signed up for a site that he could download porn from. I immediately confronted him. He didn't deny it (because I had proof) but he came up with this story that he was trying to download somekind of upgrade for his new Blackberry phone and he was tricked into purchasing this porn membership. Really? Seriously!? Does he think I'm stupid? Come on now. When he told me that ...I didn't lose it. I just gave him a look...like "give me a freaking break." He then began crying and told me he would rather DIE than go back to the hell he fought so hard to break free from. He's been relapse free for a year and a half. He begged me to believe him. I'm so overwhelmed with school right now that it just seemed easier to believe him and let it go. I don't want to fight. I can't divorce him right now. So I just pretended to believe him to keep the peace. And who knows...maybe he's telling the truth. Right? So two days ago, I went onto his email to check and see what time our sons practice was. I saw tons of porn on there. It was all in the "deleted" folder and it was marked "unread". So part of me thinks...well...he didn't read it, so why even bring it up and make a big deal about it. The other part of me KNOWS that the only way porn sites got his email adress is if he gave it to them. I have pleaded with my Heavenly Father to help me decide if I should confront him on this or just let it go. It always is a huge fight when I bring anything about this issue up. I don't have the will or desire to go there. But then I think...maybe if he thinks he can get away with it..he won't stop. Ya know? I have checked my husbands email multiple times (he knows and doesn't care) in the last year and a half and not a TRACE of anything remotely bad. Now, as of two days ago he gets about 10 emails a day from porn sites. What should I think? Granted, he does delete them without reading them. So...do I make a big deal about it? I'm so sick of this. I'm tired. I don't understand it one bit. He fought like hell to keep me when I was ready to throw thisl so called eternal union in the crapper. Would he really blow it? Now? After all this time? He studies his scriptures every single morning and I see him on his knees night and day. He serves so diligently in his calling. Is it possible he could be back at it again? Surely not? Right? I know I deserve better than this but I'm too tired. How pathetic is that? I would rather just sit passively and let my husband cheat on me instead of deal with it. I'm just so sick of it. I thought it was over. Wow..I'm not helpful at all,am I? Talk about a downer. I just needed to write it out and think it through. I think I won't say anything. What would be the point? I can't MAKE him do whats right. I don't even want to. I want him to just be honorable on his own. This sucks."
posted at 18:51:33 on February 19, 2009 by sierra
email    
"Sierra- he could be telling the truth there are scam sites out there. I'd check the browser history, you can mark read emails as unread. If you really want to go all out you could install a keylogger or watch the network traffic with a packet sniffer on another computer."
posted at 20:19:21 on February 19, 2009 by shadow
Sierra,    
"I am not saying that things are one way or the other but I will tell you something strange that I encountered. I went on a website to research nursing programs and entered my email address. I have never gotten ANY porn-related e-mails. The very day after I had entered my email into this university site to ask a question I was bombarded by filthy emails. It makes me so mad! How could a reputable institution allow this? I don't get it. I still get these emails and most of them go into the bulk folder but one gets through to my inbox every once in awhile. It's kinda scary."
posted at 01:07:08 on February 20, 2009 by Anonymous
You're right...    
"I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess it's possible that he was telling the truth and was really only trying to install a Blackberry upgrade. Last night, after praying for two days to have the spirit of discernment..to be able to KNOW if he was telling me the truth...I went to bed feeling that he's not had a relapse. He is a different person now. It hit me last night, really hard, that it's between him and the Lord. I can't emotionally deal with it right now. I've got a full plate with four kids and trying to get through nursing school. I still love him...even though he hurts me.

Robin...I'm sorry I took over your post and made it all about me. That's not very nice! I hope you're having a better day today. I know that numb feeling. Sometimes being numb is a blessing. Try to be happy today. Enjoy your kids, nature, a good movie...something! There's a lot of beauty in the world. It's easy to think it's all filth, but it's not! Be happy in spite of everything! That's what I'm going to try to do today, too......"
posted at 10:06:05 on February 20, 2009 by sierra
Is eternity too long?    
"I was so happy to see that you are still out there Sierra. I hope you never just disappear.

I was sick when I read your post. I think you are doing the right thing....really what can you do at this point. I pray for you and your husband. I hope he is telling the truth.

I think one thing that makes an addict so convincing and hard to read is that there is some element of truth there when they are lying. They really wish they hadn't partook (that has got to be spelled wrong;o). They know porn is discusting, they know it is wrong and they can use those emotions or feelings to be quite convincing....they end up portaying what they know they should be or should have done instead of reality. I don't know. I do know that I really don't want to give up yet. I know I will probably never know or feel totally secure in my knowledge of where my husband's mind and heart are. I know there is more, much more good in him than bad. I can't let go of him....right now. However, I know I need to become more self-sufficent, even though I so cherish being a full time homemaker. I know that someday, sometime in the next 5, 30,40 years I may realize or be broadsided by a relapse that will be the last ....the last for me. I will realize that I cannot or will not survive another. I want my husband, I want my eternal family, but I do not want to spend eternity with a dirty old man. I don't want any one else....I don't think, but I do not want someone who cannot or will not which ever it is , be true to me. Eternity is too long. This life may not be too short, but eternity is too long.

I have thought about a comment that you made about someone in the temple (I think he was in the temple presidency) telling you that in the next life you will be asked if you want to spend it with your husband and you will have the choice. I have pondered that a lot. Can it be? Could there be a choice there that would not hurt so many, that would truly be a choice, neither good or bad, but a choice with no guilt? Could there be and what would I do, if all was brought to light ( and what would I learn that I do not know?) Would Christ understand me and could I look Him in the face and just say "I think I will take door # 2" where I can visit my family and lay on the beach with a diet coke. Can I just be where you will still love me and I will not have to hurt or worry any more? Will you watch out for my husband? He needs something I just could never give him. I don't ..I just can't do it any more. Is there a door # 2 ? Is that where I will end up? It sounds like enough for me....enough."
posted at 18:12:19 on February 21, 2009 by robin
Robin and Sierra are the best!    
"I hope things get better for the both of you. You guys inspire me."
posted at 19:52:31 on February 21, 2009 by Anonymous
Robin and Sierra    
"I'm sorry both of you are going thru this, I hope your husbands know what you are feeling. I don't know what to say but be honest with your feelings, tell your husbands, they also need to be open with you. Both of you are the best, I have read your comments, you give so much support and help to others, Thank You"
posted at 21:19:46 on February 23, 2009 by Wilk
I should..    
"I should totally be studying for my Pathophysiology test tomorrow but I'm procrastinating. I thought I would make a few points. This post is mainly to Robin but maybe someone else can benefit, too.

By the way, I was joking around about the whole diet coke on a beach thing. I think sometimes when things are too painful I just act like I don't care and make light of it. Of course I want to be in the Celestial kingdom with my family! As I'm sure you do, too. Sometimes it seems an impossible goal so I try to tell myself that I would be just as happy in a lesser kingdom where I wouldn't have to deal with my husband (as long as I had a good Diet Coke!) The truth is that it's not impossible and when I'm feeling like it is it's usually when Satan is really working on me to just give up. Don't give up!

Also, I did tell of an experience that I had with the temple President. I have thought a lot about that experience. My husband had a question he was really curious about so we were told that to get the answer we would need to talk to the temple President. So we made an appointment and got his question answered. This was years ago before I ever knew that my husband had this secret life. I thought he was perfect at this point in our marriage. So when out of the blue the temple President said that he felt he should share something with us...it kind of threw me off. He said he thought we should know that just because we are "sealed"..it's not a done deal. He looked at my husband and said that in the next life I would have a choice if I wanted to spend eternity with him. Incidentally, he said husbands don't get that choice...only the wife. (Proof to me how much Heavenly Father loves his daughters and wants them to be happy and feel cherished). He looked at my husband and said "So you better treat her right." We walked out and I kind of laughed it off and said how strange that he would feel the need to tell us that. Again, I thought my husband was PERFECT! Our conversation with the temple President really bothered my husband. He was really quiet all the way home from the temple. He kept saying "You're going to choose to stay with me, right?" I assured him over and over that OF COURSE I was going to keep him. Why in the world would I not? I look back on this conversation and have to smile because now I KNOW why he was so concerned and upset. I think he was thinking that he could just keep this secret until the next life and then it would come out but it would be too late because we would both be dead and I couldn't divorce him. I would have to forgive him. When he found out I would have a choice in the matter...this concerned him. Yet he still didn't come clean! I found out on my own a few years later. Anyways, I have often wondered what prompted that temple President to share that with us. By the way, this is not sacred doctrine that shouldn't be shared. He said it's just "not well known" doctrine. That's why I feel ok sharing it here. So I have wondered if he was sharing it with me so in my darkest hours when my world crashed down around me I could have comfort knowing I wasn't "trapped" because I was sealed to this man. Many times I felt stuck.. like I had no choice. Or maybe he shared it to wake my husband up and get him to come clean and begin the repentance process. I have often wondered about that.

One last thing before I HAVE to get studying. Robin, you have shared that your husband suffers from depression. I have some members of my family that also suffer from depression. It's so hard to understand. I remember thinking "why are you in bed crying!? You have a great husband, a nice house, healthy kids, a good job, the gospel, lots of money, you're gorgeous...what in the world do you have to be depressed about?" It used to frustrate me. Now that I'm in nursing school and studying the human body, it makes more sense. Their brain is literally sick. There are all kinds of chemical imbalances and things that are "off". They are mentally ill. Even though that has a negative stigma to it. That's what it is. Many, many people who are depressed are also addicts. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, food or sex. For just a few minutes it makes them feel better. Please remember that in the next life that all our afflictions will be lifted. There will be no illness, physical or mental. You husband will be able to think clearly. You mentioned that you didn't know if he COULD be faithful to you. In this life...maybe and maybe not. But in the next life he won't have the same afflictions, Robin. He will love you and cherish you and absolutely worship you because you stood by him in this life. You supported him. You gave him a hug after he told you he relapsed again. You lifted him up. You prayed for him. You stood by his side when many others would have just called up the lawyer. There is no doubt in my mind that he will be able to cherish you as you deserve...in the next life. The question is if you can wait that long. And, hey, if you can't...you can't! There's no shame in that. There have been many times I have wondered if I have the emotional strength to stay. It's not easy. You're an awesome person. Way better than me. You come on this site and give support to people who are doing the one thing that hurts you so much! You support a man who has trouble with exposing to people after you have been so hurt by just such a man! It astounds me! I'm not that good. Trust me. I'm working on it, though. One thing I am trying to do is to have compassion for people when they don't deserve it. For example, when I'm doing my clinicals and I have to take care of a patient who is dying of end stage lung cancer and they smoked 3 packs a day for 50 years. It's like "what did you think would happen!?" It's hard to have compassion because they did it to themselves! But I'm trying. You seem to have a much easier time with showing that compassion, even when it's their own fault. You will make it, Robin. If someone like you can't get into the highest level of heaven then there is no hope for the rest of us. Please believe that sister!

I hope things start to look up. I don't mean to ignore or neglect our friendship. There's just not enough hours in the day. And now I REALLY have to go study!"
posted at 15:43:33 on February 24, 2009 by sierra
Thank-you, Sierra    
"I always love your posts, even when I'm just eavedropping on you and Robin. :)
I thought about your story and put myself in your husbands shoes. (I am a recovering alcoholic) If I was your husband I would have been terrified of the temple workers story but not for the reason you thought. I would have been so afraid that if you were to ever find out about who I really was and the things that I struggled with, then you would leave me. Deep down I really felt unloveable. I am amazed at your insights and your fortitude. My wife is a recovering alcoholic as well but fortunately we got sober long before we married. It is so wonderful having a wife that doesn't judge me and understands that I struggle spiritually and emotionally from time to time. We are both somewhat immature in how we both need reassurance from eachother that we will stick it out, no matter what. We don't take that as license to misbehave but rather take comfort in the fact that, unlike what happened in our childhoods, we will never abandon eachother. I appreciate what you go through. I know it's painful but to me, it's a beautiful thing to see you facing the situation with dignity. You're not a doormat but you're not abandoning him, either. I have a feeling that things are going to work out for you and your family. I think your husband is very luck."
posted at 18:15:12 on February 24, 2009 by Anonymous
You may not have to worry.    
"If your husband isn't Celestial material you may not have to worry about making the choice. My dad is a dry addict. He is getting better but a couple of years ago my mom told me she wasn't looking forward to eternity with him. I told her the problem would probably take care of itself. I'm not the judge, but I can't imagine someone that is emotionally abusive being a Celestial candidate even if his wife loved him.

If your husband isn't living worthy of the highest degree of the Celestial kingdom (the only place that eternal marriage exists) and you are there you will have a choice of other husbands who will treat you like a queen."
posted at 23:03:26 on February 24, 2009 by Anonymous
I'll take the beach    
"Why doesn't that sound appealing to me? I am thinking the beach is sounding good ;o) I just want peace, not to start over or be one of many....just peace."
posted at 23:51:27 on February 25, 2009 by robin
Sierra    
"THank you for taking the time to blog. It means a lot to me. You are a dear friend. Thank you also for sharing your temple story again. What an experience! It makes me think that Heavenly Father loves and is aware of us each individually and gives us the things we need before we even know we need them.

I always, always laugh when you say nice things about me. I am a mess and you know it ;o) I think you are the amazing one. I don't know how you have done and keep doing what you are. Heavenly Father does help us so much! Do you think we saw all of this before we chose to come? I think I would have chickened out! I love you. Thank you for all your love ."
posted at 11:23:42 on February 26, 2009 by robin


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"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation‚ÄĚ. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."

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General Conference October 2006