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ARE ALL MY FRIENDS DEAD?
By robin
12/1/2008 11:46:10 PM
News travels kind of slow....in fact I haven't had it on since November 4th....are you all dead and I just didn't hear about it?

Comments:

yes,    
"save yourself! :)"
posted at 01:19:31 on December 2, 2008 by Anonymous
I'm not dead yet    
"Hi Robin,

I’m not dead yet, I still feel life in these old bones. I have been in therapy with myself for the past few days. Its never ending, ant that great? I just love the fact that I can now reason with myself before acting out, well most of the time. I ended up giving up my sobriety Saturday morning at HOME. I had strong feelings of resentment that morning because the night before my sister in-law got mad at me for being tiered when we were playing games and told me that it was rude and that I should just go to bed. I said “you are right” and I got up and went to bed. I didn’t say another word. How silly was that to give up 21 days of sobriety to a stupid situation. Anyways, I am here and kicking and screaming all the way.

Scott"
posted at 05:11:54 on December 2, 2008 by smwil46
I've wondered the same, Robin    
"I like to think of this site as a bit of a group meeting, and have noticed that you, Scott and I seem to be "carrying the conversation" quite a bit.

Things need to be in a certain place, I guess, to come here and comment? If you're doing really well, you might think you don't need to. If you're doing really badly, you might feel too ashamed? You might be afraid you don't have anything brilliant to say...You might be tired of the whole effort, and decide to take a break from the site (but hopefully not recovery!) You might be afraid of saying something that will offend, or even be harmful to someone else. I have had all of those feelings. I'm currently checking in here every day, though, because recovery is very important to me and I need this so much.

It is disappointing, though, to throw out a thought and get so little response. Writing here is a little like praying--so when even a small answer comes back I appreciate that!

Thanks for bringing this problem up, Robin. How are things going for you?"
posted at 09:13:08 on December 2, 2008 by stargazer
THERE IS LIFE OUT THERE!    
"I check this site every day...almost. I remember when I first found it. I was as close to crazy as I ever hope to be. I really needed someone to talk to. I blogged my story (my name was Alaska then) then sat at the computer and waited....NOTHING. I was soooo disappointed ;o) Finally someone responded. This site has helped me a lot and I hate to think of someone needing to bounce something off of someone else or a little cyber hug and not getting it ;o)

As for me, I am doing okay. I am trying very hard to understand the difference between what is just everyday married life and what is a consequence of addiction. It is easy for me when my husband is too busy for me to start wallowing in the fact that he "doesn't need or love me anyway". I know this isn't fair. I feel like in my head there is a double standard. I can be moody or have a bad day, but he can't or I think he has relapsed etc. I have to work a lot harder to go the extra mile for him now. I think I am still a ticked at him....I don't understand all that I feel. I just know it isn't all good and I want to get rid of the bad.

How are you?"
posted at 10:50:31 on December 2, 2008 by robin
You are right Robin....    
"I am sorry I fell off the Radar. Actually, I am still here and still alive. :-)

I actually pull the RSS feed from this site and so I see blogs from my mail system come in as they are posted. I read many of them when I can and receive strength from them. I haven't posted because I have made 3 commitments:

1. I will give my work what it deserves, my undivided attention. To often I would waste SO much time thinking/daydreaming or surfing inappropriate content and not put in a full days work.

2. I will be home with my family every second I can. I would often act out while working late at work. 5:00 rolls around and I am out of here!

3. I don't spend time on the internet at home unless I have too. When I am home, I am with my family. My wife and I are each others therapists.

So these commitments have limited me. But I do owe you all a story of my court and what happened. I have written the blog several times in my mind but have not taken the time to write it.

Do know that I am alive and doing well. My wife and I are in recovery and it has not been an easy thing. I will tell my story soon.

Thank you for hanging on Robin and God Bless You."
posted at 14:30:13 on December 2, 2008 by nyronian
Sorry....    
"I have been struggling for awhile now on whether or not to continue on this site. For a number of reasons. For me it can be so helpful when I've had a bad day and need to vent but I also think sometimes it might be holding me back. Let me explain... When I have a set back and come on and vent it feels SOOO good to get it off my chest and have people tell me it's okay and I'll be alright again. It helps me immensely. I have wondered though if in my spouting off I may hurt someones feelings. I don't want to make anyone feel bad that has done the things my husband did to me. That is NEVER my intent. I have felt guilty for things I have written in the past though. So that makes me hesitate. Sometimes when I'm writing I don't think about who may be reading. So that's one thing. The other thing is when I'm doing well and things are really going good...I will come on and read about someone relapsing or talking about how practically impossible it is to recover without the 12 steps (which my husband has never done) and I will start to worry and wonder and become all paranoid that things are going to get bad again. In reality he is doing great. I know he is! But then I read about others difficulties and I doubt and get depressed and will usually bring it up in some way to my husband and we'll fight about it. Not good. So I wonder if by holding onto this site I am holding myself back. My husband has let this issue completely go. It's not a part of his life. But I keep it between us by bringing it up. At some point do I have to just go on and not remember...not always think about it and read about others struggling with it? I just don't know. I'm extremely busy with school so I don't have time to read everything that is posted but sometimes I will get on and just read the recent stuff. If it happens to be a post about something that hits close to home I get anxious and worried. Yet, I feel so blessed to have made the progress that I have. I have come a LONG way from where I was. I feel it would be selfish to not offer that same comfort and hope to others who are struggling. I just don't know how to NOT react to others failures and automatically think my husband might do the same thing. I'm rambling, I know. Probably not making any sense. Basically, I don't mean to abandon you Robin... or anyone else....it's just something I've been thinking about. I feel like I know you but yet I don't! We could sit next to each other on a plane and not even know! Is that not weird to anyone else? How can you care about someone so much and not even know what they look like or anything about them? I've never been into the "chatting" thing online. I always wondered what was the draw to it. Now I know. You really do make friends with perfect strangers! The only people who know that I struggle with this are you guys, my husband and the bishop. My BEST friend in the whole world doesn't even know! My sisters don't know. Yet strangers online know. I feel weird sometimes. I don't know how to explain it. I think I'm just procrastinating my research paper that I should be working on!"
posted at 14:36:33 on December 2, 2008 by sierra
if you are worried about offending while venting    
"you can just post in the loved ones section if you are worried about offending anyone. I think that many recovering addicts have developed thick skins, but if you are truly concerned try posting in the loved ones section since the recovering addicts won't see your post."
posted at 23:01:45 on December 2, 2008 by Anonymous
I agree, it's hard to know what's normal difficulty and what's addiction stuff    
"I'm doing a lot better. About 8 weeks ago I started a new, overwhelming job and my recovery crashed (I am a compulsive overeater.) It took me 6 weeks of starting every morning to get back, but then failing. I began to despair, but then somehow made it through a clean day, and then another. I am the better for the relapse, because I seriously learned that it is not so easy to get back into recovery. That makes staying in recovery all the more important to me. I've had about a week and a half.

I don't see any one quite like me here, but all the issues are the same: powerlessness, not being like "normal" people, avoiding triggers, working the 12 steps. I know that if I don't stay in recovery I will die from this disease.

I can also relate to frustrated spouses of addicts, though, because my husband was addicted to being verbally abusive for 30 years, which has nearly destroyed our family. Three of our kids are inactive; on tortured nights I can beat myself up for being an addict, and staying with my husband, and generally failing. On good nights I trust in God. My husband and I have salvaged our marriage and are, miraculously, happy, and closer to the Lord.

But so often, all those years, I was SO angry at my husband for ruining our lds dream... I wondered why he married me, and made me think I was getting one thing, when it turned out I was getting something entirely different. I hate how my kids have been hurt. Robin, I totally understand your frustration. I'm sorry anyone hurts like this. I am grateful that there is a way out, though, and that we can find answers. Coming to this site every morning is a part of my recovery; sometimes I write, more often I don't. My overwhelming job kept me away for a few weeks. That was not good.

I hope you're having a good day. Good luck."
posted at 23:25:02 on December 3, 2008 by stargazer
Stargazer you are not alone    
"Thank you Stargazer for sharing your struggles, I can relate to over eating. In my sex addiction it has been very important for me to look a certain way. I was going to the gym all the time and working out to stay thin. It didn’t occur to me that I have a problem with over eating. I could eat all I wanted and not gain weight. Now that I am not working out as much I have gained 15 lbs in the last month. I have had two heart attacks and if I don’t do something about it the next one may kill me. I struggle to find a balance in my life that works. I was sober this last month in my sex addiction for 21 days. During that time I had a heck of a time. Only with the Lords help I made it that far. I started eating like a horse. I ate anything and everything I could. If you have advice on how to manage my eating problem I would love to hear it. I would love to stay on this earth for a wee bit longer. I have a lot of good in me that need to get out.

Thank You, Love ya

Scott"
posted at 04:49:43 on December 4, 2008 by smwil46
I'm Still Here    
"I have been struggling a lot lately, and have a ton going on, I'm up to my ears in work, sports, school, and home stuff.

-hope4Change"
posted at 13:52:46 on December 6, 2008 by hope4change
Hey all--    
"Not sure if I ever knew your Robin - I came in around April and remember posting every day also. I am doing well -- recovery is going better than expected. Each slip up that I have had was followed by a new program or a helping hand I've never had before. I am doing the 12 steps now and have integrated that with a program offered at innergold.com -- together they are helping me achieve sobriety like never before. I love you all and apologize for not posting more often!

Power in Purity!"
posted at 16:51:40 on December 10, 2008 by whitewolf


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987