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Scary...
By hope4change
9/22/2008 9:00:10 PM
It is so scary looking back at some of the things I've done and some of the thoughts I've thought. Scarier than that is the horrible future that can come from my continued addiction to porn/mb. I read on here somewhere about somebody who wanted to date but was too scared that they'd end up in a bad situation...that is a mirror image of my fears.

I turned 16 at the end of May and haven't been on a date yet. No major problem unless you look at the underlying reasons and my deep inner fears. I don't want to end up in a bad situation and make things worse. I don't want to do things that I'd end up regretting. It is so scary to think about. I just hope that when I finally do decide to start dating that I choose girls who will be appropriate and that have good morals and values. I guess looking at what I've just written that this could be a potential fear for others who aren't addicted...

What's so sad is how innocent I was. You know? My first time seeing porn was because I was way too young to be on the internet by myself, and I was typing in what I thought were random addresses and I got an obscene popup. I thought after several years of avoiding anything that had to do with porn I would be okay. I then became attracted again to the evil.

In a sense, I suppose this is my "I'm back" thread. I haven't had internet access (permanent) and so I haven't been around here a whole lot. Now I've got internet again but I've made a goal to start blogging here every day. Even if it is something simple: a scripture reference, thoughts, etc

Another goal is to pay a bit more attention to others in here. I hope as much as you guys have already supported me, I can support you in return.

Keep on keepin on,
hope4Change

Edit: This day becomes even scarier. My step-dads computer has recently been accessing youtube videos that are off-color. I am not sure what I even should do. He got more than ten blocked notices within an hour that were classified as porn/nudity. (I know this because I happen to be the network administrator). Also, I know he didn't stumble upon it because the logs show youtube searches for specific things. What I am hoping is that he was testing the water to see what the whole family is able to access on that machine...

Comments:

Depends..    
"I don't have much time but I actually have ideas for you about dating. I was really worried about dating too (still am) when I first realized I had a problem. You have so much time to fix this. It's so amazing to see that you are so young and want to change so badly. I know you can do this. I'm praying for you."
posted at 21:39:27 on September 22, 2008 by Matrix
Thanks.    
"Thank you for your prayers and concern. I can't wait to here your ideas."
posted at 23:21:51 on September 22, 2008 by hope4change
one day at a time    
"You are a good kid. Don't be in a rush to date! (Dating is over rated at your age ;o) If you do date, double date. It is funner and safer.

I think your goal to blog here every day is a great one and will help keep your focus on recovery. You are going to make it....one day at a time."
posted at 10:26:31 on September 23, 2008 by robin
I Have Time Now    
"Okay, so here are my ideas. First off, don't worry so much. Dating is high school is supposed to be fun. Second, don't ever go on an individual date until after your mission. Go in group dates because if makes it less awkward and you don't get tempted to do anything when you have at least two other people around. Third, don't stay out too late. If your parents give you a curfew, stick with it, otherwise make your own. I would suggest midnight at the latest or maybe sometime earlier. You decide. Fourth, never be alone with your date. Always stay in some public setting with them. Really, just have fun with dating. It should be a time when you get to know the opposite gender. I found school dances were always safest and most fun. You don't have to worry about single dating for quite a few years so just deal with it once it comes. I honestly think you'll be okay. You have a level head and you're spiritual which is so awesome. Just show respect to girls and they will enjoy the date no matter what you do. I hope this helps even a little although it's probably stuff you've heard a thousand times before. I also hope that it doesn't sound like some old lady is giving you advice. I'm only 20 so I hope you can relate a little. I'd be more then happy to answer any other questions especially about girls (since I am one and I've dated a little). Good luck Hope. I'm still praying for you."
posted at 17:24:08 on September 23, 2008 by Matrix
Part 1 :)    
"Your desire to fix this problem is really encouraging to me. Sometimes lately everything seems so hopeless. But, if you can get things straight now - which you definitely can with the commitment you express - it will be such a blessing to you and your future family. My husband started struggling at a young age too - he just found something on the side of the road and checked it out. It was a problem for him all through growing up, but he stopped when he decided he wanted to go on a mission. Unfortunately, that stop wasn't really a recovery. It wasn't his intention to come back to his addiction after his mission, but there were too many opportunities, and he did. He 'stopped' again to become temple worthy and we got married (I didn't know about any of this) - but again, the addiction wasn't dealt with. We have now been married 6 years and have 3 kids and I just recently caught him. He feels so horrible about himself that it is just heartbreaking - he expressed that he wished he could die, and that for years and years he has wanted to stop and tried to stop, but been unsuccessful.

How much pain we all would've been saved if he had been able to recover earlier, and especially never let the addiction resurface after he had made temple covenants. Don't get me wrong, I still love my husband completely. I want nothing more than for him to be healed from this and for us to have the life that we both intended for ourselves and for our children. But the battle now is so much worse than it would've been if he could've stopped as a youth. "
posted at 00:31:42 on September 24, 2008 by hopeseeker
Part 2 :)    
"I think he may have been a little timid about dating too. He never went on any dates until after his mission. He had kissed one girl before he met me. But he is a great guy. He is worth it - and so are you. You are so worth it to that girl who is also preparing herself for you. I'm sure that when she learns of your struggles in your youth, she will be so grateful that you chose to solve the problem so early, and prevent you both from a lifetime of pain. And frankly, who knows what kind of challenges she may be striving to overcome right now so that she too may eventually be worthy for you!

Well, I've probably said enough, but make sure that you do everything you can now - read books on it - do workbooks - dedicate your life to the Lord - pray all the time to know what he'd like you to do each day, and even each hour of the time you have. There is a reason Satan attacked you so young with his filth, and it's because there are great things in the future that you can do, and he wants nothing more than to throw you off track so that you can't do what the Lord has planned for you.

I hope the best for you. I know you can do it - and in behalf of your future temple bride, I encourage you to never lose hope. Each struggle or disappointment gives us insight on how to do better the next time around.

With Love,
-hopeseeker"
posted at 00:31:51 on September 24, 2008 by hopeseeker
@hopeseeker    
"Thank you so very much for your insight. =) Unfortunately I've had a relapse today. Not only that I discovered that I'm not the only one in my household who looks at off-color videos. I have so many regrets. I just wish I could do things over and it's just not fair because it doesn't work that way. I am going to blog again about many of todays experiences so please check it out.

-hope4Change"
posted at 01:39:17 on September 24, 2008 by hope4change
just checking on you    
"Hope4change,

How are you? I hope you are doing okay. You are in my prayers."
posted at 13:12:01 on September 25, 2008 by robin
I'm doing pretty good. :)    
"Things are going pretty well. Today I've felt pretty uplifted and I had a great experience while talking with my mom about the potential problem (in the other blog) and I'm feeling really happy as a result of being able to let go of it. Thanks for your prayers. :)

Keep on keepin' on,

-hope4Change"
posted at 19:13:19 on September 25, 2008 by hope4change


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"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004