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falling apart
By gondor44646
8/10/2008 9:55:09 PM
... I don't know what to say... I'm sorry, I am sorry for my words, I just feel very depressed right now... I don't feel like there is actually sombody to talk to, even if sombody tried to help I would disregard it beliving that I am trapped and doomed anyway...

This sounds so stupid as I think about it as I type, but this is where I am... I hate myself, I hate you Gondor... I can't stop, I can't stop abusing myself... I can't stop mast****... I have no purpose, I am an anmial... There is no truth in this, how can there be true love in sex... The world... I am a young man... Therfore you mast****... You can't change that... That is who you are... you can't change that, the world has defined you... You are a young man... So you like porn... You can't stop that... You contradicte your own excetence in creation... You defile your own soul... You would through everything away just for a moment of plesure...

I am lost... Im loosing it, its been 6 years I was just 12 years old... I didn't understand... My bishop told me it was wrong... I tried to stop, but I couldn't... I didn't take the sacrement... My mom was sad... I was defined... I noticed who I was in the world, at school, church, life... It seemed as a young man I was nothing more than myself like everybody else... This whole world is saturated with sex... and I don't understand it... It has destroyed me and makes me feel ashamed... My family is devorced... My dad is a gay looser... He tried to convence me that mast**** was ok... All of my brothers seem to have a problem with this too... I don't know where my life is headed... i'm failing s hool... I don't know how I could go on a mission... im not sure what to do... where to go

I just feel hopeless... The opposite of faith... But I know this church is true, I know a lot of what I typed wasn't correct; just how I feel. I know that just because there are some bad things (coruptions) with sex dosent mean that all of it is bad... I know that without Jesus Christ we would be defined to an endless misery... But Jesus Christ is here and it is possible to change...

Please help me... I don't like who I am, I want to change and become clean, I want remember my purpose...

Comments:

Heavenly Father loves YOU!!    
""Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen
General Conference October 2006

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Sometimes I get caught up in the hopelessness of being an addict. I feel like it will never go away and it will always be a problem for me. In a Sunday school lessons that I recently had we were talking about the plan of salvation and how after we die we will still have our addictions. Does this mean that even if we're on day 2,000 that we will still have those cravings in the afterlife? This got me a little bit frustrated. Like no matter what I do I will always be an addict, even in the afterlife.

Like I said, I sometimes get caught up in the hopelessness of being an addict. But I think it's important for addicts to remember that if we are "continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance..." then we can "enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives..."

Thinking about it in layers helps me a bit. It's a process. That may take awhile to go through but in the end we can be proud of our accomplishments because of all the work we put into being happy.

Don't lose hope. Heavenly Father loves all of us."
posted at 10:41:02 on August 15, 2008 by toes_23
Honor Your Inner Beauty    
"One thing we all need to remember is that our society teaches us to look out side ourself for happiness. The problem we run into is that our spirit knows that is not true, but as a human having experiences here on earth it is tough to sometimes listen to our heart because of what we see with our eyes. Just because we make mistakes does not mean we are a mistake.
When Christ was healing people he did not heal them just 50%, he did not just heal one leg, one arm, or one eye, he healed the whole body. We need to quit looking at mistakes as a mistake and start looking at them as lessons to be learned. Addictions can be a teacher if i allow it to teach me.
If we could be honest with ourself we would realize that at the core of every addiction is that we do not love our self as Christ loves us. If we could truly love ourself as Christ loves us we would be able to set any addiction aside. Now am i perfect at that yet? No, but i am learning to allow myself to see that issues in life are lessons to be learned, not ways to beat myself up.
If i do not honor my inner beauty i am not respecting me as a son of Heavenly Father and my gifts the he gave me.
Gondor, i know life can look very dark, just remember the night is always the darkest just before dawn. I realize it is very uncomfortable to talk to someone about your hurt but it really does help to share these issues with someone you can trust. Remember if you talk with someone and they tell you that you need to feel shameful for mistakes, i would find someone else to talk to. Christ would never throw shame on us to convince us we need to change. He would use patience and love to help us learn to improve. Be patient with yourself, as you learn to turn your life to Christ and allow yourself to find love for yourself, life does get better.
Remember Christ never said, Come to me when you are perfect. He just said, Come, and he would help us get through any problem."
posted at 23:46:36 on August 16, 2008 by john
Don't lose hope!    
"Like you, this addiction started very young in my life. I know the feelings of utter helplessness and despair as well as the fear that there is no way out. I have gone inactive several times because of my addiction and each time I would always feel prompted to return especially when my life was at it's worst. Each time I would seek council and help from my Bishop. Each time I would try new things to remove myself from this addiction and each time I would fail. With these failures would come a new "apostasy" on my part and I would fall back into the deep dark hole and continue to dig deeper.

There is nothing easy about addiction, it takes hold of every part of our lives. I did not truly realize how wrong I was for leaving church over and over again until my most recent Bishop. He helped me to see things that must be done, one of which meant staying in the gospel no matter my failings and continue to progress, even if it was very slowly.

I learned many things, even though we cannot take the sacrament we can reflect during the sacrament on God's love and His Son's amazing sacrifice for us. We can hold fast and bring ourselves back up much more easily when we have the support of the Gospel. This process may take years for us to accomplish but, if we keep reminding ourselves that we are in fact human and that God truly loves us despite our weaknesses and our failings, we can prevail. He does not give up on us the way we give up on ourselves. When we fall, if we do our part and recognize our sins while trying to our best to make amends for them and exercise the atonement we can win.

Winning is only a matter of time, I know that you can! Don't give up hope, don't let satan make you think God is going to forsake you because of your sins as I so often have. Do not let him make you think you are an awful person or that the world is too strong to fight. We have the ultimate truth in our lives, it can fill the dark places in our hearts if we let it. You are showing your Father in Heaven that you want his help simply by being steadfast and not forsaking his truths, by reaching out for help here and by sincerely expressing your desire to change. Never underestimate the power of prayer, scripture study, and the support of your ecclesiastical leaders these priceless resources will help you on your quest. I commend you for your amazingly honest effort. I know you can overcome, if I can come as far as I have... anyone can."
posted at 16:28:58 on September 2, 2008 by jjh832k1


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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay