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Please help... eh... again...
By gondor44646
3/6/2008 5:12:04 PM
Gondor… this is for your purpose, so bear with me; this is as it is…

Gondor… your problem (addiction) is actually a series of things that caused your addiction…(step 4) You don’t stop the plant, you stop the roots, what are the roots to your problem…have you been honest with how you reflect yourself?

I know I have already asked for help, it seems stupid to me, so if I want to change then why don’t I do something about it. Perhaps I have done some things but I will move no further until I am completely honest with myself. I hate myself, I will not let myself go, and I will not allow myself to progress, nor continue. (I can’t survive on others anymore; I can’t actually make somebody else do this for myself). I want to apologize for wasting time, or another blog, I have done this before, I just need more help and support, but there is not much, that can be done, I have already talked about my problem, and I got a lot of help from everybody (church, parents, addiction recovery, etc…) I thank you all for give my so much advice and help. I have made great victories, but certainly I will not focus on the good things… huh?! that sounded stupid… I have also had defeats like everybody else. I have also had discouragements where others have made this worse for me.
First off I want you to know that I believe this church to be true. I would not have much of a purpose if this church was gone, or not true. I probably would not have made it this far…My problem has not been very simple for me. I am 18 years old; I am a young man, I have a masturbation / pornography addiction (about 5 years). It is mainly masturbation, that is how it started, but pornography is still just as bad. (Masturbation) This started when I was about 13 years old. It took me awhile before I knew exactly what I was doing, and that it was condemned (bad) by the church. I didn’t know what to do; I was already starting to form a bad habit (addiction). (13 years old) It took a lot of courage, but I talked with my bishop. He was a little stern (strict), but I don’t blame him, he was strict, but kind and loving, he wanted to help me. He told me that it was wrong and I should not be doing this. He was confused why I would not commit to not do this again. I was confused too, why could I not stop…
I am not sure I could join the addiction recovery group back when I was 13, but I am now. There were constant ups and downs through my teen years, I could never stop, and it only got worse, and worse (pornography). I really need some help with this part. I remember going to a counselor. I told him my belief in this church; he respected that, however… He told me that masturbation was not wrong, it was normal, that 90% of all males do it, and it was healthy. I feel very confused about that. I agree with my church. It is not something Jesus Christ would do. However I need help, the whole world has this same attitude. I remember speaking with my father ((who is ex-Mormon)) that was stupid; I should have not talked to him. To make a long story short, he also told me that this was ok, and normal. He said I should lie to my bishop ((just like he did)) he told me of other people who had lied. He completely flipped everything that I knew, it hurt really badly. I was not sure what to think. I still believe this church is true, but I need help disregarding the things that my father said to me, which were very bad…(Porn ok, masturbation ok, church false, divorce, …etc).
School is not going good for me. I am a junior in High School. My problem has a thing about take other things in my life down, I might fail, like I almost did last year… and so on. Life at home is not going very good. All of my brothers have rebelled against the church and my parents (mom and step-dad). Back when my bio-father talked to me he also manipulated (talked to and convinced) my brothers the things that he said. There were fights; my brothers ran away, they now live with my bio-father. Our family is broken, my mom is sad. And I simply have not been able to forgive myself; I have not been able to stop my problem. This absolutely confuses me… I start to believe that I cant stop, and that I am a animal, and there is no purpose. I start to think I am doomed, and then my purpose is doomed and then school is doomed, and then life is doomed…
So life is not always that great. There are still many good things, and I will be fine… I need to be honest with myself (step 4), I am very perfectionist, and I am doing some of these things for the wrong reason. I can not look to the world for my comfort, I can not base my self-esteem on what they want or think. I can not sacrifice myself for the wrong choices my brothers or family makes. I am not perfect, and I need to think about the atonement of Jesus Christ in ways that I have not done before. I know what I need to do, I know what the church says. I know that god will not give me a commandment that I can not handle. I can move my arm left to right, and I have control (agency and accountability). I don’t have to masturbate, I can stop this ((with A.R. and Jesus Christ help of course)), I can forgive myself, and not let my past failures bog me down, I am not an animal, I am a son of god, I have a purpose, which is not hedonism ((purpose of pleasure only)), I can still go on a mission (when I am 19, and this is done), I can still be a righteous husband, and a loving father. … I just need support; I just need help… even though I have said these things several times before, and I still don’t want to waste anybodies time, but now… I need to care enough about myself ((no submissive, or passive))… to do what I know is right, and to stand up for myself, even when it is not perfect, even when I am not pleasing others… it is for myself…
it is, as it is… Gondor…

…please help...again…

Comments:

Gondor    
"I feel so bad for you. It's not "ok" that you had to grow up in all that contradiction and uncertainty. I know exactly how you feel. I, too, had to completely disregard the opinions and examples of my parents and find my own testimony. My father was excommunicated when I was four and my parents divorced when I was a child. Without placing blame I will simply tell you that this kind of situation seems to breed addicts. I will tell you how it turned out to be a blessing rather than a curse. I know it sounds crazy but these days I am actually 'grateful' for my addiction. Out of my addiction and consequent recovery grew a personal relationship with my Savior. Before that happened, Jesus Christ was someone I had worshipped but never really "known" I'm older than you and I've got a little more wisdom under my belt so I will tell you like I would my own little brother: There's nothing inherently wrong with you. I spent a good part of my youth believing that lie. Regarding your "problem", the worst case scenario is that you're an addict. Just know that you're in good company and that there is a solution. Some of the best people I know have been those who've overcome addiction.
Perhaps you should throw yourself into preparing for your mission. Ask Heavenly Father to remove the obssession to masturbate and look at porn. If it is continues seek out another man who has been where you are and is in recovery. Maybe in preparing for your mission you can work the Twelve Steps properly. It's DIFFICULT to reach out for help. (in person) But it is so worth it.
One more thing I learned is to ask CHURCH people all your CHURCH questions. You already know how the world thinks. Good Luck, You'll be alright."
posted at 19:05:29 on March 6, 2008 by Anonymous
dont give up    
"I wanted to add that I understand you very well. Many people do. I don't have any brothers, but I do have sisters and sexual temptations drew both of them away from the church. One of them is doing much better now. I know what it is like to have a father who has been ex'd for adultery. And, I know how much it sucks to know that I can't rely on any of his advice. As a human and as a son I really want to look up to my father, but I simply cannot look to him in spiritual matters.
Anonymous above is very correct when he says look to church people for church questions. As a fellow recovering addict (I stress recoverING), I know how easy it is to justify my actions because of the world's answers. If I want to try and remove my guilt, then there are lots of people I can ask to help me along the way. What helps keep me in line is to think about honesty and integrity as well as looking at other peoples experiences.

I know what is best for myself. Just like you, I believe in this church. It gives me hope, strength, and a whole lot more. In fact, I more than believe. I know that I cannot be happy trying to justify my sins and say it isn't bad. I can't be happy lying to the bishop and leading a double life. The only way that I know I will be happy is by being completely honest and having my "guilt swept away" through the atonement of Christ. There simply is no other alternative. If you ever doubt it, look at other peoples experiences who have tried that. I, for one, look at my father.
My father is a good man who has made some serious issues. Rather than try to repent and be a sincerely honest and true person, however, he decided to step back from everything and take a break. Step back from the marriage, do things his own way, and try for happiness some other way. Nevermind the whole marriage vow thing. Even though I made a committment and people should always keep their word, it was totally acceptable for me to do a 180 and pretend like it never happened or that the rules don't apply to me in this situation. What a trashy way to think, yet so many people think that way!

My father had his heart broken when he remarried to a much more liberal woman. Soon afterwards (less than a year, I think) she left him to go back with her ex-husband. She was very depressed, perhaps because she was so steeped in sexual sin herself. I know his heart hurt a lot after that. He thought he wanted the liberation, someone more exciting than my mother, but he didn't know what was good for himself.
He finally found himself another woman who is much nicer and takes care of him much better, but I know he still feels regrets from time to time. My mother remarried much later and literally started to blossom in her new marriage. The few times my dad has come around her (weddings and such) he can't help but remark to someone (discreetly) that he made some terrible mistakes.
At this point in his life he has completely rewritten history in his own mind to ease the pain of "what could have been?" I cannot begin to imagine how much he would hurt if he were to attempt step 4. My heart definitely aches for him.

Anyways, I go off on this tangent just to relate that I really understand where you are coming from. At some point, however, those of us who choose to live lives steeped in sin will regret it. If you look inside you can see what you want, and you can also see what will make you truly happy. The recovery process is just letting God help you want what will make you happy. Do your best to learn from your father's mistakes.
At the very least, remember honesty. Many of these people like our fathers work very hard to justify their actions, BLATANTLY IGNORING the fact that they are and have been unscrupulously dishonest with themselves and with their spouses. If nothing else you should be able to discount their advice based on these disagreeances with something that we know is vital and precious- honesty. When I hear something for my dad that sounds asthetically pleasing and would help me rationalize sin, I can and do remember that those actions would encourage me to be dishonest with myself and others, just like he himself has been. Just remember the 13th article of faith.

Sorry for rambling. I hope that I can help uplift you in some way."
posted at 22:51:06 on March 9, 2008 by roast_rump
Well stated, Roast Rump.    
"It wasn't until Step nine that my biggest resentment -towards my father- would budge. My sponsor was taking me fishing down in Mexico. We were waiting at the border in Nogales and I was staring at my birth certificate. I noticed that my father was pretty young when I was born. Up until that time I had sincerely wanted to forgive my father but the same resentment would surface at certain times... especially at times when I would struggle with character defects that I recognized in him and felt like I was the innocent beneficiary of HIS sins. Well, as I stared at that birth certificate I felt empathy for my father for the first time. It was truly a spriritual gift. I understood that "there, but for the Grace of God" I, too could have made those exact same mistakes. I understood that he and I were not so much different. I had always thought to myself, "How could a man do that to his family?" Now I began to see how he had been decieved and led astray- not unlike myself. I began to understand the deep sorrow he must have gone through having been excommunicated and estranged from his family. The gifts of Steps Eight and Nine were not what I thought they would be. I thought that I would make ammends to set at right the damage I had done. To my surprise, Heavenly Father had already begun that process. Working those sacred Steps had taught me how to truly forgive. Now I understand WHY it is rdiculous to expect forgiveness and mercy for my own terrible sins while holding on to my prized resentments towards others. To be perfectly honest, I still get resentments. In my observation, addicts are prone to them. These days I know they are poison to my soul. I know I must immediately tell someone, pray to have it removed, and pray for that person. When I do that I am able to see my own error. When I don't my "sobriety" can be in jeopardy. Thanks for your comments, Roast Rump and keep the faith Gondor."
posted at 20:03:44 on March 11, 2008 by Anonymous
Counsel from Priesthood Leaders    
"I, too, am a recoverING addict. When I was single and in college, my bishop told me that my addiction (at that time it was considered a "habit", and I had no idea that I was addicted), if not overcome, would seriously impair my ability to have a healthy marital relationship with my future wife. He asked me if I was going to control it, or let it control me. And he gave me an assignment to write a paper on the Church's view of my addiction vs. the world's view.

Writing that paper helped me to see the two views side by side in black and white and gave me strength, with the other ideas as I thought about them, to become sober for about a year to a year and a half. It probably would have lasted longer, had I not feared man more than God in another area of my life, which opened the way for Satan's influence and a return to addiction.

The bishop's words were prophetic, for although my marriage started with what seemed a healthy relationship, my perspective and expectations were warped because of my addiction. By the time I learned that it was an addiction, in spite of my talking with numerous bishops, my marriage was all but over. My start in Addiction Recovery came too late to save it, and I am now divorced.

I offer these thoughts for any strength they may give you. But more importantly, I have learned the value of heeding the counsel of Church leaders and recommend that course to you. If your leaders do not understand your addiction and/or are not familiar with Addiction Recovery, invite them to attend one or more meetings.

I, too, have wondered how God could give commandments and promise that there would be a way to keep them, when it seemed hopeless or too painful and difficult for me to make the attempt. I now know that there IS a way, and it requires faith and dependence on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Our Savior is always there to help, and if you persist in seeking Him, He will provide the way. He has done so and continues to do so for me and for many others. He will do it for you, too. He has experienced everything you ever have or ever will experience. He can lead you out of addiction, and He wants to do it. Keep pressing forward, for after the trial of your faith the blessings come, and they are worth it!!"
posted at 21:46:50 on March 17, 2008 by J R
Thank you, everybdoy    
"Thank you everybody for your comments and support... thatnk you for helping me... I am still not perfect, and I still have things to work on... however if I was perfect there would be no reason to be here or to have life... we all need to rely on Jesus Christ...

Sex is not a bad and evil thing, however it needs to be controled, and it needs to be reserved for mariage... to create childeren and to unify husbend and wife... ... for some reason for some time I have felt like all sex is bad and evil... but it is just the devils way of making somthing that was ment to be good, and corrupting it for evil... I am still assuming any selfish use sex not alligned with gospel standards is still a sin.... but I need help understanding all of this....

I thank you all again... Gondor out..."
posted at 20:42:49 on March 31, 2008 by Gondor44646


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"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006