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day 1. i feel sick.
By roast_rump
2/12/2008 1:19:11 PM
Yeah, as you can guess I am having to start over at day 1 again. I feel pretty sick. I screwed up last night and now I feel depressed, angry, sick, and all of the other usual emotions. I didn't even want to mess up.
Now I have to go through the steps again to see where I went wrong (I have a good idea). Worst of all, I have to tell my wife tonight. I am not looking forward to it. I am dreading it. She doesn't deserve to go through this. I feel so abusive and wrong that it makes me ill. I can already see how her face will look, a look of hurt and confusion and frustration and who knows what else. I guess that is what I deserve though since it is my fault.
This is a very frustrating path to be on. At times I have felt a lot of peace and comfort that I was doing the right thing. Temptations seemed to lessen and I was able to be more productive and kind. Now I feel like I have to start all over again. It is frustrating because whenever I am close to being able to enjoy blessings from full membership in the church I manage to slip up. I feel like I get very close but I can't make the final jump to stay clean PERIOD. Why am I so bad at this?
Anyway, I'm trying not to be too depressing even though it probably doesn't seem like this. If anyone has some words of encouragement I could sure use them. I am glad that I am not alone in this struggle to find Christ and invite him into my life. I just wish that I was better at keeping him there.

Comments:

Give yourself a break!    
"We deal with "addiction"... cunning, baffling and powerful. For some, relapse is a necessary part of recovery. You're not a "bad" person trying to be "good". You're just a "sick" person trying to be "well". We all are. We don't shoot our wounded! We know what it's like to slip up. I encourage you to quickly forgive yourself. There's no need for endless pain and penance for something the Lord has already forseen and paid for. One day clean is just as valuable as six years clean because we only have today. (and we can start our day over, anytime) Good luck"
posted at 13:41:32 on February 12, 2008 by Anonymous
Pump Iron    
"We are all human, we slip, we fall, we sin. The truth is part of recovery is relapse. It happens but it is how we choose to react to it that will determine where we stand at judgement day. Our spirits are strong they desire us to move on, to go forward, to live life, to do our best. Every time we slip and fall after working so hard we are just that much further on our path to success. We don't have to be perfect but we can try. The road to Gethsamane wasn't easy, neither is this life. Are weaknesses make us stronger, remember that, and take this opportunity as a chance to grow. The way to gain muscle is through resistence, it makes you stronger. You are becoming spiritually strong as you resist, and as there is temptation it adds even more resistence and you become stronger, sometimes we pile to much weight on us and we collapse and it feels like we are suffocating and there is too much pressure, this happens when we relapse or fall back into old habits. There is One that is there to be your coach, to lift the weight off when it falls and give you just enough room and support to get up and push for yourself. So keep on pumping those weights man, you'll be God's soldier soon enough and satans arrows won't be able to penetrate you because you have already build up your armor and fortified this weakness."
posted at 23:40:25 on February 12, 2008 by c2
Prayer of Support    
"I just want to let you know that I pray for you and your wife. Consquence is always the best motivator of choice. Thank goodness for a Father loving and patient enough to let us learn.

You mentioned feeling like this is day 1 all over again. I feel that way a lot but it isn't true. Using a life-as-a-journey analogy I think each time we get to a similar result/situation/mistake/pattern it is similar to stopping at a stop light as you travel through town. The light, the 4 way intersection, the cars all look the same as the last one that we stopped at but even though everything looks the same, we are actually a block or more further down the road than it feels like.

You are accountable and know that you must deal with the consequences of your choice with your wife and family - but you are doing it anyway. That sure doesn't sound like day 1 to me.

Here's to getting through the traffic lights of recovery - even if it is one block at a time. Good luck and keep moving."
posted at 10:39:06 on February 13, 2008 by matt2
Don't let Satan win    
"You can do it! Don't let Satan win. God is merciful ! Be patient with yourself and your wife.
You can Both do it!!"
posted at 14:26:56 on February 15, 2008 by Anonymous


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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay