I am working with my wife, we have been seperated by 19 months
Okay I have a few questions to ask. How do you show your wife that you are making progress when you are not pyhsically together? I am two sates away from my wife, and honestly I at times am busting my hump trying to get things done... trying to change. As soon as i say this I realize that I probably have the wrong end of the stick, that the change needs to come with the Savior's help, but anyway I feel as though any kind of progress that I do make is counted as crap in her mind. now I understand with help from a group that I am a part of is that her trauma, hurt disappointment is hard if not impossible for me to understand. I don't mean to explain or justify myself, in my study today I realized that I have had a lot of pride wanting to be right, also trying to do my best to make things work out. I don't see life the way that my wife does. She moved out of the house 19 months ago becausae of my p@rn and m@sturbation issues. I am trying to hard to let go of my pride to embrace the Savior, but honestly I am so very very scared because. my head is spining so much with I don't know what to do next. I don't mean to sound like a victim or a sacred liittle kid, but that is what i am feeling right now. I know looking to my blessings help me count and see the hand of God in my life, I gues don't know how to show her if I am making any progress. i am told that God is suppsed to guide me and help me, I just at times second guess feelings because of my past expedrience with emotions and feelings, what I feel is a contradiction of what my wife says when she recieves a warms comfortable feelnig about a choice. I have felt honestly what I thought was the Spirit in my life.... but it doesn't work out like it does for my wife. Sorry I have started to ramble a bit, my question is, how do I show my wife I am making progress? I don't know what my options are. I have done texting because she seems to never "want me to be around' or is short with me a lot. She says that she still loves me, but her responses in anger and shortness don't seem like ove at all. If I respondet hat way she owuld call it eylling and it is the source of our not being together right now... seems hard when there is a perceptable double standard. thanks for your insight. I don't feel like there is any possible hope for my marriage. I want to believe that God is a God of miracles, that he loves me, that he can heal my famlly and the heart of my wife, so she wont' be so angry at me, but after nearly 20 months and 28 months without intamacy it seems an impossible journey. Sorry i know s@x is optional, but life as I mentioned above seems to be spinning around my head making it so difficult to make good choices.
Maybe it is because it is mothers day, maybe it is because it is a holiday that my family is so far away.
What I wanted
"First, you can't make her see something she doesn't want to see. If she wants to see you not making progress then there is nothing that you can do to convince her of that.
Next, hmmmmm, well this is tough because I don't know you or your wife and I think that what she is looking for is so personal that it is impossible to say.
I can tell you what I want to see but that's the best I can give you.
I wanted to be asked. I always want my voice to be heard. So when my husband came to me and showed the INITIATIVE to begin hard conversations and asked for my opinions and feelings then we had a good foundation to start. I wanted him to ask me what he needed to change. I wanted him to say, "What can I do for you?"
I never wanted to dig for information. I wanted total DISCLOSURE. I wanted to know what the real truth about his addiction had been. I couldn't heal when he was holding on to little secrets. And once I got the whole truth, I wanted him to willingly give me updates on his day and progress without any hesitation on his part. I wanted him to be knocking down my door to tell me about his successes and his failures.
I wanted to see the trials. I am too smart to think it's all sunshine and roses and so if he only gave me good reports, I got suspicious. I wanted the whole man and not just the shined up and polished version. I wanted to be included in the pain and I wanted him to be entirely VULNERABLE with me.
I needed him to LISTEN and VALIDATE me. Sometimes I had feelings that were not very kind towards him. Sometimes (frequently) I needed to vent. When I sobbed about how my dreams were crushed and it was all his fault, I needed him to say, "Yes. I did that to you. It is my fault. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to fix what I've done." And when I screamed at him that he couldn't fix it because it was already gone, I wanted him to say, "I know. I know I can't undo it. But I can try to build something new from the ashes. If you don't want to be with me because of what I've done I totally understand. I will help you make your dreams come true whether I am with you or not." I needed him to be UNCONDITIONAL and never defensive.
I needed him to take charge of his own life and set his own BOUNDARIES. I tried to run amok with my codependency at times. Some of the biggest signs that he was recovering was when he took care of himself. When he was healthy and strong, even though the addict in me raged against it, I knew that he was getting better. By him setting down his rules and refusing to let himself be verbally abused, while being respectful, loving and firm I saw progress. I saw recovery.
I saw him working the PROGRAM. He went to his meetings faithfully. I would catch him reading his manuals and his books. He told me about his discoveries and breakthroughs. He read other books. He sought out therapy. He scheduled appointments on his own without being reminded. He was SOBER. And the times he relapsed, he didn't sulk or quit. He got back up and worked twice as hard.
Those are the things that I wanted. Those are the things that helped me see his progress.
I hope that helps."
posted at 01:12:50
on May 11, 2016
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