Excommunicated and still struggling
By naijaboy
4/10/2016 10:55:28 AM
Dear All,

I feel impressed to share my pains with you.I was excommunicated last year for fornication.I have been struggling with it before my mission but fell right after my mission again.Confessed sincerely to my bishop and i was taken to disciplinary council and was excomunicated.
Since then i have felt lonely, my family have been supportive but i still find myself struggling again especially with masturbation and occasional fornication.My current bishop feels i need to marry in order to end it and i am working on it although its not been easy.For those that have been in Africa would know what am talking about.
I hope to get help soon so as to get reinstated back and be worthy again.

I appreciate comments and contribution.I would be due June but idont know if it will fly.My Bishop have not had an interview with me since the excommunication although i confessed recently and he just said i should try to avoid it.


Here are some ideas    
Here are some resources to maybe help: this is some coaching a resources to use to address the multiple factors of what you may be facing.
Here is a sponsoring program out of Arizona here in the US that helps people coach and work throuh the 12 step programs />Here are the lds site for recovery

hope these help. I think this site is really a safe place to share your feelings and concerns and wories. hope you find peace and what you need"
Things to consider    
"I don't know your full situation, but I question whether marriage would solve your problems or just postpone them.
I have a few questions to consider (don't feel you need to answer them to anyone but yourself).
Has it been with the same person each time you've fornicated? If so, perhaps marrying is a solution. If it's different people, is it fair to commit to one person if you're not already faithful to them? (Breaking the law of chastity aside)
You say you feel lonely - while that's not good, it's great that you've recognised that loneliness is a trigger/part of the reason! Are there any other reasons? Sadness/anger/frustration/stress?
How else could you combat your loneliness? It is possible to have human connection, emotional connection without it leading to sex. Reach out to others (and you're doing that by coming here, that's a great place to begin!), communicate, build friendships.
If you are really struggling, being told to just avoid it isn't necessarily helpful, as well meaning as I'm sure your bishop is. Do you have access to the ARP manual & ARP meetings? Study it. Prayerfully approach the Lord. Find positive things to replace masturbation and fornication.
Personally, I think that only once you are on the road to recovery do you have the right to bring someone else in through marriage and make it a part of their life. I'm not saying how far along the road you need to be, but it needs to be sincere. At the very least, be completely and totally honest with the person you want to marry."
posted at 19:15:44 on April 10, 2016 by Anonymous
I would start by reading the addiction recovery manual that you can find on the left side of your screen. If you have ARP meetings available I would attend at least weekly if possible. I would start meeting with your bishop regularly to try and talk about the spiritual direction you want to take in your life. Let him help you study the scriptures together in your meetings.

Sj shared some other resources that are wonderful and please go check them out.

I agree with Anon above. Do. Not. Marry. To Cure. Your. Addiction. I promise you, that marriage will not fix or even help your sexual addiction. It will only hurt your wife as well as yourself. Sexual addiction often becomes worse, not better after marriage. Additionally, if you have an un-dealt with addiction you will be prone to objectify and use your wife as a 'legal means' to act out and release sexual tension and it will 1)damage the marriage 2) hurt her self esteem 3)hurt you by increasing your addiction because you are still just acting out.
Naija, healing will come through a process of fully accepting your addiction to sex and understand where it comes from. Often the compulsive need for sex or masturbation comes from a place of great pain. As you work through the ARP program it will help you explore aspects of your life that raise questions about feelings of Sadness, Anger, Loneliness, Disappointment, and Pain. Most people become addicted because they are trying to fix one of these problems. As you search through your life and identify the real reasons WHY you use sex to cope with unresolved problems you can get to the heart of the matter. You cannot fix sex addiction by focusing on sex addiction. You need to know where it grows from and fix those problems. As you go on this amazing journey you will have Forgiveness, healing and hope that will grow in your life and not only change this aspect of who you are, but touch every part of your life. You will become a new man.
Returning to the topic of marriage. I repeat: Do not get married to attempt to heal your addiction. I would suggest not getting into a serious relationship with someone until you have stepped onto a road of solid recovery. Work on yourself first! You owe it to yourself and your future family. When you have done this and you begin to date and pursue a healthy relationship, be very honest about your past. Tell her everything and allow her to love you for the amazing journey through darkness and light that you have walked. Never keep secrets and let your whole soul be a part of the story you share with her.

I hope this has been helpful to you.
Again, welcome to the site.
posted at 19:50:14 on April 11, 2016 by maddy
"I agree wholeheartedly with Maddy!! Sex addiction is largely about unhealthy coping mechanisms we use to cope with life's hardships and mortality. Everyone has there outlets, some are healthier than others. My outlet for almost every type of human emotion became some form of sexual gratification through acting out. It takes some work, hard hard work, but you can learn and face your own emotional injuries that cause you to seek solace/distraction in sexual addiction. The atonement works better in those places in your soul because that is where the "real" problem likely stems from. Get in a group. Stay in a group. Don't be ashamed of seeking extra help and counseling. It saved my life and marriage. And don't for a second think that getting married would fix a dang thing!!! If anyone were to suggest it, it would be a huge red flag for extreme naivety. Work on you as Maddy suggested. If you aren't healthy first and foremost, you will have nothing long term to offer a spouse besides heartache and pain.

Good luck! If I can help at all let me know!!"
posted at 00:46:36 on April 22, 2016 by WHATTODO2

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"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990