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What I am going to do to help me....
By skyteamst90
11/2/2007 6:04:04 AM
i have decided to check myself in at a treatment program. its by th VA hospital, and because i am a vet, i will not have to pay for it. Its a 30-45 day course in patient. I feel that my life is going to crash again and the medication isnt helping me as i had hoped. so this program is for alcholics, but they treat all depression and addictions. so i thought it would be a good thing. luckly i will still have a job when i get back.
i am not happy about somethings in my life, and i hope to change them. i am starting small, really small with my daily stuff to do. i hope it helps, cause i really have no faith or belief right now. i cant pray, it seems impossible. but i can read the scriptures. so i will start with that. a friend pointed out to me, that i am so angry and hurt that i can't move pass that, that i have to deal with those things first. so we will most likely deal with those things in the hospital. i'll have to see how it goes.
so i wont post anything here for a few months becuase i wont have access to a computer, but i will probably check in after the first of the year. its kinda sily that i am going to be in the hospital for both holidays this year...

Comments:

Don't lose faith    
"Dear Sky... I wish you the best at the hospital. It is so cool that instead of giving up you looked for an answer and you are willing to do this. It shows that you are humble and that you value yourself enough. I had so many times that I wished I was never born I cannot even tell you. Prayer and reading scriptures has been a struggle for a long time but you are ahead of me because you say you can do that. I am learning to accept that someone is listening so I am not talking to the bed and I used to love the scriptures and now I have to remind myself to do it. So, you see, my addiction was not with alcohol but it was an addiction and I am recovering. It takes a long time. I wish it was fast like those miracle stories we read in the scriptures sometimes, but it is not. I hope to hear from you that you have passed the hardest part and that you will be coming here and telling us a story of success. I don't know you but I love you already because you came here and you posted your little entry there. May the Lord always bless exceedingly the humble, the one who is willing to be molded by His loving hands. See you after new years!"
posted at 06:39:47 on November 2, 2007 by almosthere
Good Luck Skyteam!    
"I think that is a good step. I think you are very courageous for doing it. I, personally, learned alot in rehab. I wish you the best."
posted at 07:14:55 on November 2, 2007 by Anonymous
may the lord be with you    
"we will be praying for you and may the lord bless and protect you as you go though this you know that you have friends here for you always . will be looking forward to hereing from you after the first of the year
love to you a soul bro."
posted at 07:37:22 on November 2, 2007 by newsoul
thanks for the nice words    
"yeah i will let you guys know whats up. i do get weekend passes, so maybe i would be able to get to a computer and post something here to let you know how i am doing.

ya this should be interesting. I am dealing with m*sterb*tion and porn, and depression. i should be able to get some control and help there. kinda exciting in some ways."
posted at 19:11:16 on November 2, 2007 by skyteamst90
well i am back and it has been awhile since i have been here.....    
"hello. the program went great. and i wil comment on it later...i want to think about what i want to say here."
posted at 20:36:37 on January 29, 2008 by skyteamst90
Welcome Back!    
"So tell us... how did it go? What kind of a program was it? How does it feel to be out?"
posted at 21:03:04 on January 29, 2008 by Anonymous
Its been a while...and i give up    
"Its been so long since i posted something here, that i don't remember how to log in. I don't remember what the password and all that was.

I just wanted to comment on somethings.
the hospital was nice. it was nice to get away and work on somethings. i don't know if i made some progress. all i know is that i learned some new coping skills. which i have to use all the time.

i was in there 45 days, and it was nice to finally get out and see my kids, as they had missed me, and i did too.

now i am doing horrible again. i hate depression, and i hate that i have it. i am mental and i have just accepted it. when i was in the hospital, i had something interesting happen to me. i don't know why i asked for a blessing before i went in, but i did. it said that the lord would open up to me by reading the scriptures...i did this and it didn't happen. i tried to read i tried to force myself to do it. one night while i couldnt sleep, i got up and started to get ready for the day...and i was praying, and i said i give up. i am not trying anymore. it obviously didn't work. i don't get it. its all bogus....that is something how it went. after that i felt like relieved or some pressure gone or something. i felt different and i felt worse. i felt i had failed. i was released and went back to my life, and things have been so hard.

so i give up. i dont see the point anymore. i tried and i guess the church just isnt for me. i am not good enough to be a member anyways, i was ex'd. so i did that to myself. so no, i don't feel all special and like everything will be ok, cause it isnt. i have decided to leave people alone, and stay in my place more. i really don't want to talk to anyone anymore. i don't have any friends, and i don't have any hope. what is there to hope for? more depression? more crap? keep the commandments and you will prosper in the land? thats bogus...just means you'll get more crap thrown at you. how can they say stuff like that to me? i don't even want to hear it. i have cut most ties with the church. i don't deserve to be there anyways. people look at me wierd....like 'whats his problem'. i don't care any more. i guess i will get the telestial kingdom with david and hitler and other dirt bags....yeah me. i think this is totally unfair and cruel. how could a father send someone to this place? after all the the jews suffered 100's of years before moses saved them...generations died...and prayed for what? an absoultion never coming to them...and have what faith? seeing their fellow bros beatin and beatin...its bogus.
i am not a jew....
in 2nd nephi it says the gospel is for everyone...which would have been the law of moses time...and which when jesus came...he wasnt sent to the gentiles...he was sent to israel...which i am not...so it doesn't apply to me anyways.
i wsh i never was born. i wish i was never here.
men are that they might have joy, yea right, not with depression...its just bogus.
and then making promises beofre 1990 to say that if i can't keep things quiet to cut my throat..how is that promising? loving? makes me want to committ.
i just accept defeat. i cant do anything right and i have tried i have tried to fight this, but i can't.
so i wish you all well. hope you all find your happiness..applertaly people know something i dont
-skyteamst90 (warren)"
posted at 12:20:37 on April 5, 2008 by Anonymous
For Your Children's Sake    
"SkyteamST90,

Welcome back! I have been thinking of you lately and hoping to hear from you again, as I'm sure others have, too.

I respect your choice to give up, but I ask you to reconsider it for your children's sake. If you give up, who will guide them? Do you want them to follow you if you go to the telestial kingdom? Or do you want them to go to the celestial kingdom and leave you behind? Because you are their father, your decision will unavoidably affect them. Wouldn't it be worth whatever it cost to see that they get to the celestial kingdom? And to give everything you have to be there with them?

In my worst experience with depression, I felt like I had gone so far wrong that there was no hope and life really wouldn't be worth living. Then I called my counselor, who reminded me that my children need a father. That helped me to hang on until I could get an appointment and talk with her and begin to see things more clearly. Your children need you, too. You love them, and they love you. Those facts alone are enough to make you a valuable person. In their eyes, you are absolutely irreplaceable!

Just because you have been ex'ed doesn't destroy your worth. Several early Church leaders went through that and came back to serve faithfully in the Church. One was W. W. Phelps, who wrote "Praise to the Man" after he came back. Also Orson Pratt, who became President of the Twelve and Luke Johnson, who became a bishop afterwards. In my recovery group, there are men who are waiting to be rebaptized, and their contributions are as valuable as anyone else's.

The devil is the one who tells you that you are worthless. He has told me that over and over, too. One time I felt that God was through with me and was ready to destroy me. I got really scared and prayed very hard for another chance. After I had prayed for a few minutes, I realized it was the devil, that God doesn't work that way.

Tonight in general priesthood meeting, President Uchtdorf reminded us that it doesn't matter how far you have strayed. You can still come back. "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." If you are willing to try again, I will gladly share more thoughts. And even if you aren't, I will pray for you because I care, and because I know that our Heavenly Father and our Savior care. As far as unfairness and whether God loves us, I would be happy to share what I call the "but if not" principle.

I hope you read this, and whatever your decision is, I really do want to hear from you again."
posted at 22:41:08 on April 5, 2008 by J R
Don't give up    
"Depression is a medical condition that needs to be treated. Please get to a doctor and be honest with how you've been feeling. I will tell you about someone very close to me. She struggled with depression her entire life. She, too, thought that; if there was a God he had definitely abandoned her. One time she had a really bad couple of weeks. She didn't have medical insurance at the time so I took her to the county mental health clinic. A doctor there was extremely stupid and treated her like a number and sent her on her way with literally no help whatsoever. After spending the entire day waiting in line down there she was completely hopeless. We ended up going to the University doctor, (psychiatric) who FINALLY gave her two medications to take. The doctor said they would take a couple of weeks to work. Sure enough, a couple of weeks later I saw her smile for the first time since I could remember. She is the most wonderful woman I've ever met and she's my wife now but before she was on this medicine she sounded like you. The medication brought the chemicals in her brain to the level that they're supposed to be. There's no "high" involved.
I'm ashamed to admit that before this happened I thought depression was brought on by our own actions. I was just ignorant of the facts.

It sounds to me like you have that same hopelessness and helplessness going on, skyteam. Please seek out medical help. Life doesn't need to be this painful. Like JR, I care about you.
Don't do it alone. Find someone at a meeting that will go with you. I know there is someplace nearby that will work with you on cost, if not completely free.
You don't deserve to be miserable! Don't trust your thoughts until you've successfully been treated for your depression. Good luck.
Where do you live?"
posted at 09:23:05 on April 6, 2008 by Anonymous
From me skyteam.    
"I live in minneapolis, minnesota...there is some addiction groups here that are LDS, and I did go to one, but i didn't think that much of it. there was only 2 people there. and there was a former bishop of mine there leading the class..and he was making me talk about stuff. people think that 'talking' is always the best thing...not in every case. i have learned myself enough to know, when i need to talk about things.

i am on medication. i do recieve help from the VA and there is a group of people there that help me. i do have a therapist, and she is new, and so are visits are only a few yet. i have been on meds since 2004 and so i think things have moved in a different spot. it has felt like they help and then i am depressed.

i am depressed most of the time. i have accepted this. i do try to do things...to keep my mind and hands busy. i make collage posters, i play my guitar, i write music, i have jig saw puzzles that i do. sometimes i try to walk oustside. i also work on my car to keep it running, and making visits to the junkyard are an interest of mine. so there is things i do, do. i don't have many friends, cause i know that i am alot to deal with, between my emotions and my mouth, both of which i really try to control. so i feel that many folks are pissed atme or frustrated with me...cause things dont get better, so they tend to go away. so i am well accainted with being alone. it was really weird for me the other day, someone wanted to shake my hand, even doing that was wierd and that someone wanted to touch me. i was unsure at first...wierd.

as for JR, i just don't want to try anymore. i really have given up. i am sorry. i even told the bishop that. he said the same thing...don't give up on the saviour. i didn't know what to think of that. i dont feel close to the saviour. i never have. i have been masterbating since i was like 11 so i have never been good or worthy. so like my whole life i have never been good enough, and my parents were not really supportive, the were destructive. i just really feel lost and hopeless...i am sorry. i don't know how to change it, cause nothing has worked. and i am sure elder uchdorf is like way smarter than me, and has seen the saviour, and has made different choices then me.i will never be worthy. and if the scriptures are so perfect, if it says it is required to forgive all men', then why doesn't it say that about yourself in there? why isn't it written there?

when i was in the military...i was going thru a paticular hard time. my marriage sucked, i was disfellowshiped, i was emo unstable, and i was on a 15 day field exercise. i remember not sleeping very well during those days. i remember being stressed out. i couldnt sleep, cause i had wierd duty hours and had to stand gaurd. one night i couldnt sleep, and i was crying in my rack...i was like i have to fall asleep so i can function' and i was trying to cry as softly as i could so no one would hear me and wake up. i knew i had guard duty soon. now i made the choice to pray so i got up and walked out side and into the forest and started to pray...i was crying, but i dont remember what i said...but i remember i was on my knees and digging in the dirt. i was out there a few mins. i pray and words made it thru my tears a little. i didn't know why this was happening, all this emo crap. so i got done...and nothing...no angel, no calm, no peace, no nothing...didn't feel better. instead i felt it was like me...i did something wrong and its all my fault. i am not good enough. so i got up and walked back to my rack crushed and disappointed, and defeated. i laid down and the wierdest thing happend to me...the first time in my life...i felt my whole body hurt...like i could feel every inch of me ache...and it was pain...it was physical.
i remember that. and it like haunts me a little. apparently i am not worth saving or talking to...so no, i don't really believe in prayer, and this is why. so i am sorry JR. i appreciate the nice things people have said, it is has made me smile. but i might not visit here too much, cause there really isn't much that i can say that is good, and i don't want to complain anymore, or bring people down."
posted at 18:39:54 on April 6, 2008 by Anonymous
It takes work    
"I don't mind hearing you express what's going on with you. good or bad. Maybe you could practice forgiving yourself. I think that because you don't forgive yourself or even like yourself that you think Jesus couldn't love you either. I really think that if he can love an idiot like me then he can definitely love and forgive you. He already has. Trust me, I have done some stupid things in my life. I spent four years in prison for my own stupidity. I have a hard time forgiving myself until someone reminds me that-no matter what, everything will be ok in the end if I just pick myself back up and keep going. Masturbating doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human. It doesn't mean you are cast out forever. Addicts aren't judged like normal people. When that prostitue fell at Jesus' feet He forgave her-no questions asked. He knew her heart. He knew that she had tried to change time after time and still went back to the same destructive behavior. He also told her to "sin no more" knowing full well that she would sin again. He told her that so that when she did sin again she would feel the guilt and remember to fall at Jesus' feet once again. We're not bad people, skyteam. We're just sick. Please try other meetings until you find one that you like. It took me many, many bad meetings before I found one I could call my home. Keep writing, OK?"
posted at 20:02:32 on April 6, 2008 by Anonymous
i suppose i don't forgive myself    
"i think there is an element of that. i do hate myself, and like i am not good enough. you make the comment about masterbating...it makes me human yes, but it keeps me out of the church and i can never be clean and pure. i am not worthy. i can pray and ask for forgiveness, but it doesnt change anything. i am still here, i am still numb i am still broken. there was one time i did pray and say i was sorry...but i didn't feel better. i still felt alone. i am always alone. the only people i feel i can be around are my kids...when i am not all emotional and mental.

d&c 110 v 5 i used to think could happen to me...but i don't think so. it wasnt said to me. it was said to someone better than me.
-warren"
posted at 07:25:31 on April 7, 2008 by Anonymous
Church membership isn't an accurate gauge on who's clean and pure    
"I am no more clean and pure than you are. I have imortant callings in the church, yet, at any given moment I am anything but "clean and pure". Maybe for a few minutes after each time I sincerely repent but it never takes long before I'm knee-deep in my pride, judging, using bad language, being neglectful to my wife, being lazy, ignoring my responsibilties, not keeping the Sabbath day holy,...the list goes on and on. As far as sin goes, I'm a wretch. I think that's the whole point of sin! No matter how hard we try, we fail in some way or another. It teaches me to TRUST my Savior when He says he'll redeem me. Part of an addiction is doing the same behavior over and over even when our heart and our mind doesn't want us to do it. If we were to die in our sins do you think Jesus would judge us by our most recent actions or would He judge us by the righteousness our hearts desire? I believe we are judged by our hearts and He makes up the difference where we fall short in the sin department. That doesn't mean we don't do everything in our power to purge the addiction from our beings. That's why He has blessed us addicts with the Twelve-Step program. Working the Twelve-Steps is what I call, "Our end of the bargain." If we do this with sincerity and surrender we can put the addiction, itself, in His hands; whether it be sex, alcohol, food, drugs. If we are doing our end of the bargain it becomes His burden to remove the destructive behavior,.in His own due time. If we are holding up our end of the bargain and still acting out, or using in our addiction than we continue to keep up our end of the bargain and trust in His promise that He will remove the desire to act out before the process is complete. Everyone I know who has successfully worked the Twelve-Steps of recovery has had the desire for their particular drug or behavior miraculously removed. Of course, after that it continues to take vigilance and work to maintain that gift but that's another story.
Warren, you have alot of faith. You know the Gospel and you know the scriptures better than I do. Pray for hope. Pray for a different perspective. Try to be kind to yourself. Not just mentally and emotionally but physically. Clean up your house, buy yourself a steak dinner,ride your motorcycle for the sheer pleasure of it. Look around you for hope and try to avoid thoughts or music or TV and movies that would bring you down. I will try to do the same. And keep writing. I like hearing from you."
posted at 15:00:57 on April 7, 2008 by Anonymous
"But If Not. . ."    
"Skyteam,

Your addiction does not lessen your worth. Addiction and depression both produce feelings of worthlessness which seem very real, but they are contrary to God's view of us.

I, too, was addicted early--probably around age 10, although I was experimenting before that. During my college years, I remember being really depressed, from my addiction and from an unrealistic belief that I had to be perfect (which only increased my acting out), possibly combined with chemical imbalance (I never went to a doctor until later bouts with depression). During one or two semesters, I would wake up around 6 or 7 a.m., but stay in bed until noon because I couldn't face the world. At one point I failed more classes than I passed, even though I had been an "A" student in high school. I, too, have prayed and felt no answer, and wondered whether my prayers even made it past the ceiling. I have had times of deliberately choosing wrong because I thought it would only hurt me, or because I thought it would keep peace with someone else.

I don't judge you for your choice. I still care about you and want to hear from you. But if possible, I want to give you reason to have faith and hope.

For several years I sometimes believed that I had gone too far and the Atonement just didn't reach as far as my sins, and other times believed that the hell I would have to go through to be forgiven was just too great, and I might try sometime in the future but not now.

My marriage is gone, and I am alone most of the time, because of unemployment right now. Although recovering, I am still an addict and always will be until the Lord sees fit to take the addictions away (which may be in the next life). But I don't hate myself any more. The Lord took me through an experience, after I joined an LDS 12-step group, where my life and freedom depended on Him. I was arrested on false but serious charges, and after a few days was released on bail. During that time, I came to feel an absolute need for forgiveness of some things I did several years before. I survived the repentance process and learned that forgiveness really brings peace and is more than worth the effort. And I learned that the Lord knew me personally and loved me, enough to protect me--even me!--when I was in danger and before the experience with forgiveness. My faith has been tested since that time, but that was a major turning point.

Now for the "But If Not" principle. When Daniel's three friends were threatened with being thrown in the fiery furnace if they didn't bow down to the king's image, they told him that they knew their God was able to deliver them from the flames. But if not--if God chose not to deliver them--it did not matter; they would still obey God rather than the king. My aunt came to a point where she had to decide whether her faith depended on the fulfillment of a promise in her patriarchal blessing, that she would bear children. After several adoptions, she finally decided it didn't matter if the patriarch had been inspired about it or not, she still believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Later, the promise was fulfilled.

I think that for some of us at least, that may be something like Abraham's great test of being willing to sacrifice the son through whom the Lord had promised him a great posterity. If we do not see the Lord's promises fulfilled in this life, will we still do His will? If the Lord doesn't answer your prayers, or mine, and give the promised hope and peace, will we still continue to pray in faith?

If you have even the desire to believe or to hope, focus on that desire and let it grow as Alma said. "To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world. To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful" (D&C 46:13-14).

Please remember that I care about you, and others who read your messages care. We are brothers."
posted at 00:44:33 on April 8, 2008 by J R
My Testimony in Photos    
"Skyteam,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. For you or anyone interested, I have posted my testimony in photos at
http://docs.google.com/View?docID=dg7nvv99_0f26fhcdr&revision=_latest"
posted at 01:13:54 on April 8, 2008 by J R
Well...dunno...    
"Well it has been an interesting couple of days. I got fired...i was at my last job for 2 years, and well got fired cause i missed too much work, cause of the depression thing. so here i sit job less..kinda silly. i guess it doesnt faze me as much cause i have been fired before. so here i am.

i have been thinking a little bit about all this stuff that has been written....and like what am i going to do? i talked with the bishop a few weeks ago, and he said, don't give up on the saviour...and i thought that was kinda interesting. i am so tied in knotts cause of my thoughts and feelings, and problems...its kinda hard. I can think of a zillion things why it wouldn't work...i guess that is my programing from my 'faithful' parents who are the biggest jerks and members of the church. it is now april....08, and they havent called me once....not once. everytime i have called my dad...he is like, whats your number?' what a jerk.

i rec this blessing few years back, and talked about reading the scripts and praying. i guess i don't do it much cause i don't believe in it much. but i suppose in some small way i would be willing to try again, and be 'faithful and dillegent' in reading them. i have been so hurt and broken done and wore out, i really have been suicidal. i am surprised that i am still here. i try to end it in the army, but some guy stopped me. there was another time in 2007 i was looking at jumping off an expressway brigde into traffic... poeple often say stuff like think of your kids...and i try i realy do. there was one day last month, that it was really hard, where the pain was really great. i was driving my car and i had to really use alot of energy cause i did feel like something was trying to turn my steering wheel. also i had a visitor from the dark side visit. that makes #3 visit. i don't know why they come around. people say I am not alone, and that spirits are praying for me...i don't see them and i don't feel them. i suppose i am not worthy of it. never have been.

a friend of mine has asked me to say a prayer for the lord to help me out, but i cant. i don't deserve anything. i don't deserve help. and i don't know how to get over that.

so i will start with reading scrptures again. at least 2 chapters a day. i will committ to that. prayers, not so sure about.
-warren"
posted at 21:19:59 on April 16, 2008 by Anonymous
Yes, you DO deserve help.    
"Don't believe the dark thoughts in your head. They're the enemy. Believe the one voice buried underneath all the others that says you're worth something. Your parents do suck. Since I'm anonymous I'll confide in you that mine suck, too. I've met some really good and humble mormons but the two that raised me were anything but shining examples. I'll share one more very personal thought with you...I think that the church and everything about the church is extrememly hard for me because it is part of the dysfunctional childhood that made drugs so appealing to me in the first place. It hasn't been easy but I've had to re-discover the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The Gospel I've learned about is so much different than the one I remember from my jaded childhood. I always thought God was wrathful and vengeful. The scriptures said that to "think" it was just as bad as to "do" it, so I just knew I was completely screwed and never going to any kingdom of Heaven. This is the Church of my childhood.

Today, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is about a loving and a forgiving Savior who says He will forgive me as many times as it takes. The church I rediscovered still has many annoying people in it that remind me of the ones that shunned me in my youth but now I see them as just as nervous and shy about life as me and I can understand why they act the way they do a little better. Don't get me wrong, I still haven't experienced that permanent change of heart but the moments of serenity and acceptance are more often these days. I still have the voices that tell me that I'm useless and pathetic, ugly and stupid. But I'm getting better at not believing them. They are simply members of the committee in my head; once they've had their say I tell them, "Thank-you for your input. Now go to the back of the line." and then I listen for the voice that says, "You'll be OK. I havn't forsaken you. I forgive you. Forgive yourself and move forward."
I like hearin from you, Warren. Thanks."
posted at 00:26:33 on April 17, 2008 by Anonymous
just havent figured out how too....    
"just haven't figured out how to forgive myself. the gospel isn't a step by step science experiment, or a cook book recipe or something like 'the force' you hone in on and control. and i am always like well if the scriptures are so perfect why doesn't it say that there....that you have to forgive yourself...no where in scriptures does it say that....only says to forgive 'others', so thats people outside of you. so its all confusing.

you mentioned the other voice. i never hear it. i never have. i don't feel i am 'worth worlds' or special. especially not anymore. i ruined my family, and my kids. they deserve to have parents that love each other and are married. They are cool little kids. back to the voice...there was one time that i actually heard "you're a worthless dirtbag" in my right ear. I could hear it like a whisper...so i don't know."
posted at 10:20:17 on April 17, 2008 by Anonymous


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"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006