digging deeper - warning up front venting
By sjanderson1
6/14/2015 10:06:32 AM
Okay i have contributed to this group for a while now, under a slightly different username :). i have had some email problems and had to change my username. that aside now I have some things I need to free myself of. I began this journey over a year an half ago with this site.
I have struggled with m@strubation for over 25 years and think I am at the end of my rope. I have had nearly 11 months of a life free of p@rn which was the reason for my current 10 month separation from my wife. Prior to this I have had seven months of no m or p in my life and was able to baptize my oldest daughter three years ago. I have worked with the bishop during that time and thought things were going well. And over the last 10 months I thought things were going well, but in the last few weeks the m has come back. A friend tells me that the m is part of a desire to connect, I have appreciated that insight for me because I have tried to keep going and connect with life on life’s terms. What I find though is this impossible mountain that I cannot climb. This is a compacting force on me because as I said my wife and I have been apart for ten months and well behind on our bills and stuff. In that period of time while I was m free I did see some progress, but the situation didn’t change, in fact at Christmas when I had five months of freedom, my wife got upset at me about some anger that I had had at Christmas, what I am trying to say is for the changes that I have made there was no change in the situation. I know the answers in my mind logically for example: time is necessary for things to change, there is more than just me in the relationship, I am the one who has made these poor choices, etc. Basically It is my fault, I get it, my problem is that I don’t feel loved by God, I am not worth loving, I am not of value. I have tried so very hard to hold onto the Savior. I know I haven’t held to him like I could or should, and again it is my fault my choices etc., still I feel empty and hollow inside. My prayers seem to just hit the ceiling. Even right now I am listening to conference talks trying to surround myself with the Gospel, my heart is saying that is nice for others, it is nice that God loves other people, but doesn’t have the time for me.
I am having victory over lust as SA would say, I am not looking at p@rn, but the m is still in my life. I spoke with my bishop a few weeks ago and he asked me if my lost battles were just nocturnal emissions or if I helped the process along. Well I didn’t tell the truth, that I did assist myself, but that there was a fog of sleep and depression surrounding me in these experiences. I know this is not being honest and probably the reason that I am having a hard time in my life, and I should be willing to say hey man it is all my fault, I am the one who keeps screwing up etc. I know It is addict speak to point out those issues of depression and medicine and other contributing factors, but as usual in my life, God doesn’t love me or care about me. I know that allowing sin is not love, and I know God cannot look upon sin with the least bit of allowance I just am so very frustrated because my physical disability is a contributing factor to the rage and anger that stocked the fire of my addiction. Again that is not the reason or a get out of jail free card I know, I should be better. I get it I understand my positing here is not repentance, it is not my change. I have a lot of change I need to do in my life.
I am really angry, hurt and disappointed in life, with myself, with God. I look back on life and think about how angry I am at where I am now because of my poor choices. I look at little kids and think about how innocent and kind I was a kid and how I just wanted to help other people. Even now as I think about how I want to help the world and help other people, serve others even at my own expense, I want other people to be happy at my expense. I am angry at myself at God for that desire, because I feel like it is weakness and It is the only ‘talent’ I have in my life. This desire to serve others and make other people happy at my expense in combination with my physical limitations makes me feel weak and worthless. People tell me that they love me, that God loves me etc, but right now I look out and think how much I don’t have in my life. I KNOW that I need to be grateful, I need to make a list of what I have, the blessings.
I think now that I have written this is, I want someone to tell me that I am of value, that I have something that is worth loving, that I am not hopeless. I know as I have studied this morning I don’t have a positive self concept, or self worth or whatever
Right now I want to scream at God for giving me a bad body, my wife for making poor choices with money, myself for making bad choices all the way around, for buying into the crap that the World is selling. I know I need to love myself at God loves me, or whateve, but right now as I said i feel alone, afraid unwanted and uneeded. a lot of it is coming from the fact that I have started a negative rant, and so i should have pulled myself back from the edge. I just am so frustrated becuase i don't see a change in my life. hopefully I can change this attitute and get off this negative position soon. Thanks for listening


gratitude for today    
"I had a good conversation wth my wife today. It was HARD, really HARD. I was honest with her, she was honest with me, but the conversatio was good. I have to admit I am still fearful and guilty about my inability to provide more... but i am grateful for a day of worship of rthe Lord, a peaceful place to sleep tonight, food to eat for today, and a job to go to tomorrow, air conditioning for me to stay cool from the warm summer, a dedicatged wife who wants to tyr and help me and Savior who is i belive wanting to help me. Thansk"
posted at 19:30:47 on June 14, 2015 by sjanderson1
"I've been watching your journey for a while now. Maybe you don't see it, but you've made some awesome progress. That is a fact.

I've thought a lot about "counting days of sobriety" based on some comments you've made. You made a comment a long time ago saying something like you were 90 days sober. A couple of weeks went by and you made another comment about being on day 10 or some other low number. What the heck? It's almost like you ignored all of your success because of a bump in the road. Don't measure your progress in number of days since your last slip up, but rather look at the overall journey. You've come a long way in spite of slip ups and challenges. That is a fact.

Lastly, you are a son of God. You are the same type of being as God. You have infinite worth, and are destined to become a king and a priest. Those aren't just nice phrases we like to use in the church. They are the truth. Our Heavenly Father loves you, and wants to give his richest blessings to you. These blessings aren't just for other people that seem to be more righteous than you, they are for YOU SJAnderson, available through the atonement of Jesus Christ, regardless of what dumb mistakes you've made, or what addictions you are battling, or how broken you feel, or how poor you are, or how non-functioning your body is. Glorious things await you. That is a fact."
posted at 11:20:25 on June 15, 2015 by rmww
thanks so much    
"thanks so much for your kinds words and encouragement I really appreciate"
posted at 20:16:16 on June 15, 2015 by sjanderson1
"I just wanted to give a word of encouragement. You will only lose if you give up. Never give up and keep enduring and working toward eternal life with God. I have been struggling with masturbation for 25 years. I managed to go several years without doing it and then recently started struggling with it again. But I am not going to give up. I will keep working and pressing toward the paradise of God and eternal life."
posted at 05:26:28 on June 20, 2015 by Anonymous

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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006