overwhelmed newbie
By tamara0000
12/17/2014 6:48:57 AM
To say I'm overwhelmed is the understatement of my life. I don't even know where to start. I have known for quite some time that something was wrong, I just didn't know what it was. Knowing that my husband had had issues with pornography in the past I asked if he was having problems with this again or worse. Which he said no to over and over again. Then he finally came clean and confessed to many one night stands over several years.
He was just excommunicated and has started on the path to repentance. The excommunication was the hardest day thus far...but each day after proves to be a challenge as well.
I guess I should start by saying I love my husband in spite of his addiction and the choices he has made. I truly believe in the atonement of Christ and the power he has to heal. I joined the LDS church in my 20s and it has been the most important thing in my life. I married in the temple despite loosing my own family because of this(my family was not happy that I joined the church). I have always stayed true to the faith...and even in this I have felt so blessed by having a great bishop and stake president to guide me. I feel my Savior near as I plead for help and healing. But I also feel such a deep betrayal and heartbreak that at times I feel like I'm drowning. I am going to counseling and yet I don't feel like I even know which way is up. What do I do to forgive? Are there always going to be constant reminders everywhere? How long does it take to get your feet back under you? I feel anger, sadness, love and every other emotion imaginable and often times at the same time, multiple times a day. I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares. I feel like I'm falling apart. How do I know working to save my marriage is the right choice? How do I rebuild trust?
Anyone who has been through this what has worked for you?


"It is always bitter sweet when I say 'Welcome' to this site, because we are glad you are reaching out for support but sad for the reason you have to.

My husbands addictions were primarily rooted in pornography, strip clubs and emotional relationships with women, not physical affairs or sex and with as much as that hurt me and the trauma I went through with that, I can only begin to imagine your heart break since your situation is so much more painful.

I know for me that it took about 2 years after I started on the recovery road to really come out of the fog. I struggled for over 10 years knowing the problems but not knowing what to do. It was the 12 steps and an AMAZING counselor that started to help me finally heal.

Tamara, it talks about it in the 12 Step manual for spouses a little and there is more research on line that spouses of addicts and especially when their is infidelity that the partner can experience PTSD. You listed off quite a few of the symptoms in your post. I tell you this because sometimes knowing what to look for can help you fight the battle.

How do you rebuilt trust? By rebuilding you. How do you know if staying in your marriage is right? By letting Christ heal you. It sounds selfish, but the truth is that as you fall into the Savior's arms more and more and the more you look to your own healing, then the more your marriage can heal and the more you will know what steps to take.

You don't need to decide anything right now it sounds like. Give yourself time and patience. Create safe places for yourself. You will be on a roller coaster. There will be dark days, but strangely there will be great highs as well. Hold on to your faith and let go of the things that are out of your control. You will come out on the other side of this. I promise. This too shall pass.

Welcome. Feel free to vent here. We are a broken lot of misfits here, but we mean well and we don't want anyone to walk alone.

posted at 11:05:41 on December 17, 2014 by maddy
Welcome, Tamara    
"I'm sorry that there was a lull in site participation when you showed up, and barely anyone responded. I'm glad Maddy did!

Welcome. Your testimony of Christ is amazing, and it will be tested, but stand by it. You have faith in the right God.

He lives, and He is the answer for your husband's wrongs and also for your hurts."
posted at 19:15:14 on April 11, 2015 by BeClean
How long?    
"There is no timeline for grief or recovery. Take all the time you need. Glad to see you here :-)"
posted at 14:13:37 on May 7, 2015 by Anonymous

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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987