journal from Utah
By sjanderson
6/29/2014 9:32:48 AM
Well I am back in Ut for the first time in a very long long time. i grew up out here and have always had a deep seeded longing to go back . . mostly because of the regret regarding my addiction. I had always thought I wanted to get a job where i would travel and see the world .. not realizing that all I wanted was to be able to keep runing from the pain, and consequences of my addiction. Since I never go the job that paid lots of money or allowed to travel and see the world I have continued ot be anxious. It is only now as I am back in Utah facing my anxiety am i able to recognize my deeper issues. I wish I could explain what it is i am feeling right now. I had the idea that i was going to go on a mission, find a job and I would happily ever afrer. Now that i have been living in the East far away from my famiy for years now, i have to face the real reason for my anxiety. I thought and even do now thinkg that had I only studied more I would have gotten a different job, would have ended up somewhere else and not be in so much financial trouble. I am trying to accept the situation as it is, as they say in AA, to be okay with things exaclty as they are, even though they are completely not what I wanted or expected.

In a lot of ways I am still angry at God because of my physcial diability and am only now 25-30 years later able to say those sort of things because it was not okay to be angry at God, and I would be scolded on how I should be grateful for what I have. I know I should and most of the time I am, there are juts times when it is not okay and I don't feel comforted by the Atonement or the hope that "someday" I might have a perfect body etc.

Thanks for listening


Blessings in Disguise    
"Maybe you should consider your disability as a blessing in disguise. My dad was one of the most prideful, arrogant people you'd ever not want to meet. In 1969 he was badly injured in an accident while protecting a missionary. He was permanently disabled. His health went from great to crap in seconds and it humbled him. He died one of the most humble, powerful priesthood holders I've ever known.

You've probably heard this before, but it all comes down to perspective. Ask yourself what you can learn from this. What is God trying to teach you? Your disability can be a stumbling block or a stepping stone. It all depends on you."
posted at 03:13:17 on June 30, 2014 by Anonymous
a few more days    
"i am grateful for continued sobriety and am hoping that my anxiety is something that will eventually pass. I am sitting in the mountains of Utah right now watching the sunrise and longing to have that forever but knowing that it is a fleeting experience. i so want to believe that God is mindful of me, that he cares but right now there is such a large lump in my chest looking back on the past saying how could God love someone like me. I for so long have known the answers in my head, but my heart hasn't been in the game and I have chosen to not let him into my life. I want to, but am totally afraid of what that might mean. I guess it goes to my perspective on who God is.I have sadly beleved that God is out ot get me, that he couldn't possibly love me or care for me because of the first what I have done, and second because things didn't work out for me in my life so he didn't really love me. I am trying to now come to understand the concept or nature of God and test the idea that he is love, and is concerned for me. Now as I try to work on my faith in God or belief that he can heal me I struggle with the idea that I am too far gone and that there is 'not enough time' to be able to change and that i should just go back to where I was.

I don't want to wallow in self pity or fear or anxiety but I am struggling with these emotions and I need to try and get them out and better understand them. For some reason I believe they are at the heart of my addiction, or part of my addiction. thanks for listening."
posted at 07:47:23 on July 2, 2014 by sjanderson
God doesn't love the earthly you...    
"At least, God doesn't love you based on what you have done in this life or what your life on earth has been like. That's completely irrelevant to him. This life is an experience for YOU to learn to love him, not for him to learn about you or for him to learn how to love you.

God has known you for an eternity. You are a child of God with infinite worth. You are a being of light, truth, intelligence, spirit, wisdom, knowledge, goodness, power, glory, and eternal life. You are of the race of Gods. By virtue of your membership in that family, you have infinite worth. When you look at your disabled body in the mirror, you are not seeing the real you. When you think about what you have done during the past two dozen years of your life, you are not seeing the real you. Those are all your false self. It's like a disabled character in a play. The real actor is back there, completely healthy, with a completely different story than the character in the play.

It doesn't matter what you have done or what you haven't yet accomplished during your time on earth. If you spend your time thinking about things you have done or things you will do, that's EGO and PRIDE talking. This is the Lord's play. Jesus is the main character. It's all about him and what he did. And because he played his part perfectly, he has overcome all things. He has already won. You don't have to. He did it for you.

Like a baby to its mother, you have infinite worth without doing ANYTHING. Even if all you do is get angry at her, cry, poop, eat, and sleep. Still your mother loves you and she would die for you. In the same way, God loves you and died for you because you have infinite worth, not because of anything you have or haven't done.

I'm speaking of Grace. Grace is also found in Book of Mormon sentences like, "we are all unprofitable servants," and "O wretched man that I am." A baby has infinite worth to its mother, but that same baby will NEVER be able to pay its mother back and become "profitable." (See the excellent poem "The Lanyard," by Billy Collins.) And Nephi was "wretched" not because of anything he did, but simply because he was human. We are all wretched. So, we are all wretched and we are all unprofitable, but at the same time, we have infinite worth and God desires us completely. He accepts us. He sacrificed the most precious thing in the world to him for us--his only begotten, favorite, perfect Son. The ultimate sacrifice was made for YOU, and it was worth it, because you have INFINITE worth.

So, as you sit on this stage of life contemplating your character in the play, see what you can do to enhance the role of and point everyone else towards the main character, Jesus the Christ. He lives. He loves you. He has accomplished the work.

You are not your body. You are not your past. You are not your mistakes. You are not your addiction. God loves you because he loves who you really are behind all of that."
posted at 16:55:22 on July 3, 2014 by BeClean

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"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004