My Update
By sjanderson
6/21/2014 7:57:12 AM
I am sitting in my bedroom trying to figure out what to do with my life. I woke up this morning and in a few minutes my wife was angry at me for cleaning up the counter and throwing out on accident something she had been working on (she dos milk and water kieffer in jars on the counter). I didn't mean to, but here i am in the bedroom with the door closed not daring to go out because she came in here yelled at me about how I am always acting out and then yelled at me for having the window open and then slamming the door on me. It is this kind of anger and rage I have to deal with nearly every day that I can't handle. She tells me that it was me that is like this, that she never knows how I am going to react etc. Thereis some truth to that prior to my recovery, but now with 24days of sobriety and with some longer stretches in there I am trying to be introspective and more calm. We are supposed to be going on a vacation this week to see my family across the country and there is a lot of work that needs to get done yet I don't dare go out of the room to start my day because she has threatened to throw me out of the house. this is the easier place to stay rightnow to regroup and try to figure out what to do next

again i don't want to complain, it is just that there are actions like this that happend and she tells me that she gets answers from God, that God blesses her because of her obedience to the commandments, and yet she spends money like crazy to fill her hole in her heart and causes us all stress and then finds fault with me. There have been times when she has been physiacally abusive on me in interest of fairness we have been taht way to each other for our marriage slaps, hits to the shoulder. I am a physically not very strong so it is very hard for me to do much but she likes to point out how I have bruised and hurt her. I spoke with the bishop about thesituation and he couldn't do anything about the situation he said, yet when she went to him for the same kind of action I was placed on probation . . . it seems a lot hypocritical. i am very angry with God because he seems to like her more and favor her more with blessings and gifts because she is better than I am. This is a struggle i have had my whole life feelng inferior to others and this has been a major source of my acting out.

Heavenly Father please come into my life, or I invite you into my life and my heart. There were some things that have already happpened this mornign with my wife getting angry at me that I am afraid of and don't know how to deal with. I know it is adversity and challenges for me to grow, I don't know how to deal with her anger and rage. In fact she has shut me in the bedroom and I don't dare go out because I don't want her to get angry at me, and I don't know what to do. These sort of challenges are the things that I face daily wanting to do what is right and often making things worse with her because am a poor communicator on my own. I am also scared about the money situation because she is trying to fill the hole in heart at times with things. I know I can't control or even really influence her. I have made choices in the past to avoid conflict and not argue with her. Friends have said that I need to stand up to her, my addiction I believe has inhibited that because I haven't had the confidence and faith to do what you needed or directed me to do. There are so many things going on in my life right now I don't know what is most important. I invite you into my heart to give me direction and guidance to do today what you would have me do. In jesus Name amen


Keep on keeping on    
"Glad to hear you're still working your program. It is possible for your marriage to heal over time. Mine is getting better. And, who knows...maybe your wife will also choose to work a recovery program."
posted at 10:28:58 on June 21, 2014 by Anonymous

Boundaries are everything. Remember that boundaries are not what you try to make THEM do....boundaries are what YOU do. Decide what you will do if she becomes violent. What is the right course of action? Then do it everytime she shows that behavior.

What is the right thing to do if she becomes verbally abusive? Set that boundary and follow through. Going to your room is a fine boundary if that is where you want to be and you are safe. That is one of my preferred boundaries. But it sounds like to me that you are trapped there, not that you went there as a sanctuary. That is a big difference.

Set boundaries with money. Everytime she acts out then you respond the right way.

I keep saying "right thing" to do. Anger and fear are never right. You will know healthy boundaries because there is no threats, no manipulation, no anger involved in them.

It is you managing YOU correctly. It is you treating yourself the right way. The consequences for her are completely secondary.

Your wife is using her anger as leverage to get you to do what she wants. Probably because she is out of control herself, but she doesn't see that....she sees your faults and so she thinks that if she can control you then her life will be what she wants it to be. She is missing the point. It is always about self control.

You are in control of yourself. Take the wheel. Do not be intimidated by her addictions.

Let me say this too...addicts HATE boundaries. They despise them. Recovering addicts LOVE boundaries. She may rail against them pretty hard, but that is why you have to carefully choose boundaries that are all about your behavior and within your sphere. You get to call the shots for you. And be lovingly, fearless about it. When/if she sobers up, she'll thank you for it. Regardless though, you'll thank you for it. "
posted at 20:46:08 on June 21, 2014 by maddy
"I really appreciate everyone's kind words of encouragement. I got some words from my sponsor to day that were simliar, the only relationshop that matters is my relationship with God, everythign esle is secondary. He went so far as to say idol worship. I appreciated the honesty and realize that there are many things I have put between myself and God. I look forward . . with hope that things will get better, that I will know what to say and do and how to set boundaries both for myself and for my relationship with her. Her anger has been about how I violated her boundaries about not telling her about some relapses a few weeks ago. I foolishly thought it would be better not to say anything, especially when she was in one of her moods. i see now how I have to be completely honest, first with God and then with her and with teh rest of the world . thanks fo ryour thoughts and prayers. My prayers go out to you all and all others who are struggling to overcome these addictions.

posted at 20:56:48 on June 21, 2014 by sjanderson

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990