Checking in
By maddy
5/21/2014 11:51:55 AM
So here is my quick update:

I am doing better than the last time I checked in. I am in a weird, wandering place, but am strangely ok with it for right now.

I've really been questioning everything in my life lately. Spirituality, my relationships, my opinions, my health choices. You name it! I am emptying out a lot of my old emotional storage boxes and seeing what's in there and if I want to keep old junk/treasures. And it has been interesting to me what has landed in the Junk pile and what is in the Treasures pile.

I've stored so much anger. A lot of that is in my Treasure pile right now. I LOVE my grudges. Oh man! Do I love them.

Am I doing anything about them? No, not really. But it's kind of neat to realize that I treasure my anger and dust it off and turn it over in my hands and call it what it is. Maybe someday soon I'll get up the guts to decide I want that in the Junk pile.

My relationship with my husband is cordial. We don't fight and we work together really well, but we're pretty cold to each other. Ya, it's a little passive aggressive sometimes. But it is a weird kind of honest, functional, pseudo-truce and I think it is the precursor to trying to work on things again. We are both pretty emotionally constipated, but we are willing to admit it. So I call that progress!

Anyway, my parting thought would be that this journey isn't pretty or fun sometimes but I am still glad to be going through it. I can see that it is good for me even though it can really suck. It's like bad tasting medicine.

Take care all!


You make me laugh thanks    
"I love the way you write. You have just the right amount of sarcasm it makes me laugh but you put your point across well. I needed that. Thanks

Ps I so wanted to give you a hard time on the cordial thing you have going on with your husband. I just don't want to be put on the grudge pile. At least not yet give me time and maybe"
posted at 13:06:11 on May 21, 2014 by torrenca
Down to earth    
"I love your down-to-earth approach, and the outright honesty in your post. Thanks for sharing."
posted at 23:23:57 on May 21, 2014 by Anonymous
"Hey Maddy, haven't been around much (I hesitate to say that cause it sometimes seems like a badge of honor on the site - "hey look suckers I'm not obsessive/compulsive about this site hoo-rayyy") cause I read like 3 platitudes and get pissed and leave, no offense anyone it's for sure me not you. Plus I haven't wanted much help for the last 8 or 9 months. I don't know. Annnyway, you don't talk like anyone else and I like it. I like that you're angry and honest. I like that you seem willing to question the apparent status quo on how we "should" respond to life's whatevers and see whether or not it works for you. You're so smart. It kills me. Just wanted you to know from this vantage point you look like you're fighting the fight quite gracefully."
posted at 11:19:23 on May 22, 2014 by they_speak
"Hey Bro!!! I was hoping you might stop by sometime. I was avoiding this place because I got my knickers in a bunch. But I picked my wedgey and now I'm back. I wonder how many other old timers are lurking here."
posted at 07:13:57 on May 23, 2014 by maddy
"Hugs to you! The fact that you are still MAD is a good sign. You are still feeling.
posted at 12:08:42 on May 23, 2014 by Anonymous
Life goes on    
"Round and round we go, sometimes we charge, sometimes we stop and sometimes we drop, but on we go. I love all of your comments and sharing, thank you, Longtime Lurker"
posted at 09:46:24 on May 24, 2014 by Anonymous

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988