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I'll write something new
By skyteamst90
8/24/2007 10:09:30 PM

Its been a while since i wrote something. things have been down and a bummer lately. I don't want to go into it, but something have just sucked, and i haven't made any progress. I still have my problem. i still do it, and no matter what i do or pray or anything...it doesn't go away. I don't believe now, because he hasn't helped me. He hasn't blessed me with strength...i really think things are just bogus. it doesn't work for me. People have tried to help and people have prayed for me, but it has never helped. I am still myself, and i hate me and things will never change. My father has kicked me out, the lord kicked me out of his church, my wife (now x), has kicked me out...nobody wants me...i am just like a peice of trash or something. its just no use. i have no hope.

Comments:

Chin up.    
"Hey, I know how you feel. Its 2:00 in the morning here and I just did "it". If you are like me, then you are on here searching for hope. I feel like giving up every time it happens. Feel kinda like that now. But you know, hearing your post brought me up a little bit. I know I am not alone. Come on buddy, dont give up. Things wont get better if you do I promise that. Find somone who can help you. Your bishop or a friend. Take your time to mourn about what has happened and then pick yourself up again. Listen to some uplifting music. Read a talk given by the prophet. Anything to get a shimmer of the spirit back. Just a spark will keep you going. Hey, if you need a friend I will be one. I am sure a lot of people on here will too."
posted at 01:18:18 on August 25, 2007 by Takahath
I love you    
"First of all it’s good to hear from you again. I’ve missed you.

I can’t remember all the details of your past and don’t have the time right now to go back through your posts, so if my memory fails me I will apologize now.

I’m sorry you’re still in a hard place. Have you been going to meetings? You have to make the effort. Nobody can do it for you. Push through the depression. Just commit to going to meetings. They say if you take your body to meetings the mind will follow. AA promotes 90 meetings in 90 days. Go to the LDS meetings in your area. You can supplement those with SA and AA meetings. You can find them at ldsfamilyservices.org, sa.org and aa.org. The AA open meetings welcome those who struggle with things besides alcohol. (Can’t remember if you deal with that) You can just introduce yourself as an addict, talk in general terms about relapses or acting out, and they will all understand, pain, self-loathing, loneliness, resentment, regret, feeling abandoned, anger, depression etc. because they are common to all addictions. You need those people who are right there in your area because you will be able to witness your Heavenly Father’s love through them as they listen, love, and accept you for who you are right now. Not the person you think you should be before you deserve love. Deserving has nothing to do with God’s love. He loves you regardless. You’re the only one who can get you to the meetings though. You just have to want the peace and joy of recovery enough to push through the barriers and excuses and do it. We had a friend attending one of the local meetings here for months because he wanted to attend a pornography specific meeting. Every week he drove for 4 hours to get to our meeting, stayed with his sister for the night and drove back the next morning. We had two couples who would meet and carpool to our meetings for a couple of years. One was 1hr 15min away and the other about 1hr 40min. You can do it. Just get your body there for a start, and keep going until your feelings change.

I know it is hard to want to do anything when you don’t even have the energy to fight your way out of the haze of depression. When all you want to do is sit there or pull the plug and end it all. I personally wanted to avoid meds because of the possible side-effects. It seems like sometimes you end up debating which is worse. I thought when I got my addiction in line that my depression would go away. When it didn’t I tried to find out why and was led by Him to a book in the public library. I may have already mentioned it to you before: “The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross. It may not allow you to totally get off meds, but it could help reduce your need for them at least. I’m always telling people about it because for me it worked miracles. I still have occasional times of anxiety and gloom, but I can usually see where I haven’t been following her advice or getting enough sleep. If I do get my rest and proper nutrition/diet I usually don’t have too much problem.

I know you’ve lost a lot, but your case is not hopeless. My best friend is like a Job for addiction recovery. When he lost all that you have lost he not only lost his job, he lost his career. He used to do research at a university, now at almost 70 he does manual labor at a plant nursery during the summer to try to make it through the year. He wouldn’t have to work except his ex who is remarried and doesn’t need the money gets half his retirement. He realizes it is just one of the consequences of his actions. He really understands consequences. At the same time that he lost everything else, he went to prison for 5 years. He still has to register with the state. Since I’ve known him he has had multiple hip replacements, fought cancer and now is having problems with his back that will probably lead to surgery. He was excommunicated, rebaptized and then disfellowshipped. Even after he was doing well in recovery and his bishop felt he was ready to be reinstated the requests to HQ were denied. After a few years of petitioning he was refellowshipped. A year later and after an interview with a general authority he received his priesthood blessings back. He was barred from the temple for 18 years and the sacrament at least 12 years the last time. Despite all that the atonement brought him joy.

Another point for attending meetings. They are one church meeting that you can go to and be a full participant. Those who are recovering despite church discipline would tell you that it isn’t just to punish and kick you out. It is what is needed to help bring you back. Disciplining your son is something you do to help him become what he can be not for vengeance. Your Heavenly Father is trying to help you become what you can be. He has not kicked you out even if your name is not on the record. Your name is engraved on the Savior’s hands. His shepherds are still called to watch over you. Your bishop is called to watch over everyone, all the Buddhists, Moslems, Baptists and atheists within the ward boundaries. You are still His, and He has not given up on you even if you have given up on Him.

Like Alma and his people, or Paul He doesn’t always remove our burdens, but He can make them easier to bear if we let Him. He will never take our agency or grab control of our lives, we have to turn those over willingly and accept his will in the rough path of recovery. I do know that He stands by our sides and weeps while we struggle along trying to do it our own way. He is always reaching out to help:

But behold, he did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him.
Mosiah 29:20

…For notwithstanding I shall lengthen out mine arm unto them from day to day, they will deny me; nevertheless, I will be merciful unto them, saith the Lord God, if they will repent and come unto me; for mine arm is lengthened out all the day long, saith the Lord God of Hosts.
2 Nephi 28:32

Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you
Alma 5:33

Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.
3 Nephi 9:14

…For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still.
Isaiah 5:25

The last statement appears 10 times. Each time tells how angry the Lord is and then ends with those words. Believe what He says.

I think your current situation is depicted in the painting “Forgiven” by Thomas Blackshear II. Try the link at the bottom. You’re beat and you’re thrashed. You just want to quit. Despite the fact that you are still holding onto the hammer and the nail, the Savior is supporting you much more than you realize. He’s right there for you. Let go and let God.

I love you.
jj

http://www.calvarychapeldayton.com/the-gospel.htm"
posted at 12:48:09 on August 31, 2007 by justjohn
He is watching over you    
"I just thought of one more thing I wanted to tell you.

I know what it feels like to want to pull the trigger just to make it all stop. Others in the program do too. One friend wanted it so bad that when the police had the weapons on him and told him to stop, he ran at them screaming for them to please shoot him. They didn't shoot and he is enjoying recovery today.

Your life was spared for a reason. God was watching over you then and He is now. Please take advantage of what He is offering.

Again love,
john"
posted at 13:04:43 on August 31, 2007 by justjohn
my choice is i guess i give up    
"John, it was nice that you posted something. I have read some of your comments here and there, and i read the ones you wrote here.

I guess my choice is, i dont believe, and i dont see it. I don't think he is there. Cause you can pray all you want, or read the scripture, or fast...i even fasted for help, and i still masterbated...that was a huge disappointment. I hate myself, i don't know why i choose to come here. i don't know why my intelligence was made and i became some spirit, and then had to leave...i don't know who i am. prayer doesn't work for me...maybe others, but not for me. I don't have any friends any more, cause they think i am all mental and messed up. I pretty much only see the kids, and hang with them. No girl would love me, because i am metal. I pretty much want to end it. I have an idea. i have a plan. i don't know what to do.

no amount of blessings or being good or anything has worked. i went to a couple of sexual addictios meetings, and it was ok. i went to the church one, and, well i thought it was kinda dumb. there wasn't any one there and i felt totally uncomfortable, as it was lead by a former bishop of mine...what a major let done.

i had some1 that i cared about, not care about me back. it was painful and i don't ever want to be in love again...what good will it do? i never get the 'one' i want....whats the point in even asking for blessing anyway? if he doesn't want me to have it, it won't happen anyways. so why ask? so i have just stopped asking for things anyways...

if we talk about deserving stuff, i deserve hell. thats it plain and simple. i don't think there is mercy, not for someone like me...i cheated on my x wife a bunch...1x i guess is forgivible, but not mulitple. I am the scum and slime of the earth. i am so not pure and clean. i don't deserve to sit it church with 'good' or 'better' people. i was sitting there once and the speaker was talking about adultry, and he said, 'i dont think that applies to any one here'...and there i sat, may as well put the letter on my forehead...

its hopeless, i am sorry. i guess i'll just go to hell and get the telestial kingdom and whoopy do da. i will never make it back. i have just excepted that, and i have to accept it as things are.
-skyteam"
posted at 07:04:58 on September 5, 2007 by Anonymous
Get over yourself!    
"I've never heard anyone so pathetic before! Maybe you're right! Maybe you DO deserve hell...WELCOME TO THE CLUB!! We all are addicted and are hopeless. We all would stay in hell if it wasn't for a Savior. That's the whole point. At least most of us are doing something about it. You just whine like a baby. If you don't like the way your life if going-get help, reach out, take some suggestions instead of judging everything. It's your pride that will keep you in the gutter. You think you're just too bad off and you're so much crappier than the rest of us. It may not look like pride but it is. "God works for everyone else but not me...I'm DIFFERENT" Give me a break. Belief is a choice. You seem to want to believe that everything sucks. That's become comfortable for you. That's your choice. Why don't you start taking responsibility for some of the stupid decisions you've made and not blame God or the world.
There IS hope... there is help, you just don't want it."
posted at 11:02:52 on September 5, 2007 by Anonymous
Don't give up    
"We all suffer that self-hating. We aren't "bad" people trying to be "good". We are "sick" people trying to be "well" You need to see things for what they are. You have an addiction. That doesn't make you a terrible person. Addiction is-by definition-a spiritual disease. My disease likes to tell me that things will never change and I'm worthless but God doesn't see me that way. He knows, better than anyone, that I have a disease. He judges the heart. It is usually ME who condemns myself to hell. God has already forgiven me.
Just don't give up. Somedays all we can do is shrug things off and pray for a better tomorrow. That is the nature of this disease. Recovery from it takes a lifetime. For heavens sake, give yourself a break! Stop worrying about Telestial or Celestial. Try to accept yourself and your disease for today and trust that God is mindful of you, even in your bondage."
posted at 13:41:05 on September 5, 2007 by Anonymous
i guess i am just pathetic    
"at least i sign my name, and not just make an anonymous blog.
so see you on the other side-goodye"
posted at 16:50:22 on September 5, 2007 by Anonymous
there is stiil hope    
"I too felt like the lord forgot about me and that all was lost, but that's when the was carrying me and i just did't know that. It looks pretty dark for you right now but you do have peolpe out here that want to help you and even though you may not believe it , the lord has never left your side. you just need to totally turn yourslf over to the lord and let sail the boat. I know because I wouldn't do that for a long time and i was getting in deeper and deeper and was on the way of loosing all that I had in my life , but as soon as i did this and the lord guide my ship until i could do it again things were not going to change for me and they were olny going to worse . loking back on the last year and where i was I can't believe where i am today . I may not be here if i wouldn't of turned my life over to him when I did.
I'm going about myself but we are here to help you get over the hill i guess you would say you're not along with this the first step you hvae taken just put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps and you will see things start to change in your life . The Lord loves all of us uncondtionally and will not leave our side he has felt our pains and the things that we have and are going though in our lives so just hang in there and let him giude you ship and i think that you will see a change in your life. I will pray for you and i know that lord loves you and always will . be stronge
and things will get better for you "
posted at 11:30:51 on September 14, 2007 by newsoul
TURN things over to the lord...    
"*newsoul....i don't know how to do that. I don't know what the baby steps are."
posted at 21:17:05 on October 2, 2007 by skyteamst90
baby steps    
"you already have by doing just what you are doing yoy are asking for help from us. Sometimes you have to hit bottom and the only way out is up what has happened in the past is in the past and al you got is what is in front of you and that is you've got belive in yourself . I was that way, I felt that the way you have felt and was feeling that I was along and the lord for got about me and that i was had no where to turn. getting back to the baby steps you just have to take one step at a time and soon things will start looking up i ways that you have always wanted it to be
My little thing is taht when i get into a depression now or that i am tempt. i sing in my head i am a child of god over and over in my head . and if you think about you can only think of one thing at atime. that is one of the things that help me along with while i'm at work or by myself i think of are lord and savior and keep my on what can i do to make someones life alittle bit better today and it gets me though some of my weakest moments that i have had. Iknow that lord loves and will anything for you, and has he has for all of us. SO give up hope me as well as others are here to get you thuoh the tough times. that is goal know is to help others though the things that we all have been going thoughh in our lives .
may the lord bless you and keep you save from harp and i hope you know that i'm here for you always !!"
posted at 21:49:41 on October 2, 2007 by newsoul


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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990