Bit of an update the need to make positive mental choices
By sjanderson
11/25/2013 10:00:06 AM
I am doing better now, a little bit. I have to laugh because saying that I am doing well is hard, I think that I am afraid that as soon as I say I'm doing well God will say we need to fix that positive attitude and give him something to be upset about. I know according to the Doctrine of the Church this is not who God is, and maybe I've just had so many years in the shadows that I have gotten myself all sorts of mixed up. I believe that truly coming to understand who God is, his nature and the nature of our Savior is a big challenge for me. I am not sure how to do that, and will be doing some studying to try and figure that answer out.

I think this negative view of God and myself are at the root of my addiction, I am not sure what you would qualify that as, addiction to feeling bad about your self, pride. I guess it doesn't really matter what the exact definition is right now, more important that I identify the fact that I am not letting the Savior into my life. I am not sure how to let him in. I know the Savior says he stands at the door and knocks, I just don't know how. I guess what I can do is give up my worry and anxiety about the present and future. I am particularly worried about some things that are out of my control, things I want a fix for, but when I look at myself honestly I know the fix will come in this life.

I am not sure where I go from here, I am trying to listen to the Spirit and follow the Spirit's prompting, I am also trying to let the Savior heal the relationship with my wife. I guess maybe I am so used to doing things, accomplishing things and marking them off the list, when I go to try and measure am I any better today than I was yesterday it can be hard to see if there has been any change.

I know I am better than I was a week ago, and I guess that is all I need to know. I just want to be done with the physical pain. I feel as though if the Lord wanted to he could heal me physically, but I know it is not going to happen, and that is a source at times of concern feeling like if he won't do this for me, will he be there when I really need him? I know that I agreed to come to earth with these challenges and I am supposed to be like Job or whomever and praise God for my blessings. Again, I know that I'm supposed to be grateful etc it is making the positive mental choices that I need to, and frankly too often it can seem that wallowing in selfpity is more productive or makes me feel comfortable, or that is what I know. Just like I identify myself too much by my physcical limitations, I am thinking that I define myself by my negative self talk. That until I can come to understand the love of God and the Savior that I won't have lasting peace or sobriety.


"To be like the Savior get involved in volunteer work. Do more house work. Read your scriptures and pray more. Pray for opportunities to do good work and help someone else."
posted at 23:27:07 on December 4, 2013 by Anonymous

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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981