I am afraid and alone
By sjanderson
11/17/2013 7:03:01 AM
I have about four days of sobriety now, or most recently. I used to think that things would get easier or better as time went along, in fact they are not any easier, what I mean is I still have to get up and face my emotions fear and anger that I had covered with my pornography addiction. The choices that my wife made with money I could escape by looking outside of our marriage, to dream or fantasize that I was someone else. That was a learning experience for me a while back realizing that I wanted to be someone else, not be like somone else. that I hated myself and my body so much that I coulnd't stand who I was. Agan I have covered that with pornography and it was only when I dug deeper as to why I was making those choices did start to understand myself.

As I said I am still stuck with my fear and anger, and I don't know how to give it up. I am struggling to hold onto a B in a microbiology class right now-something that I really need or think I need. I want to commit myself to God , because I need help, but I am afraid that God answers everyone else's prayers but mine. That he will provide money and things for my wife when she wants and needs it, but when I need help in my life he can't seem to find the time or the stuff that I need or think I need. It is most frustrating because I can't see her weakness and my weakness and realize that we are both sinners and need Christ's help, I just can't seem to feel loved by God.

I think part of it is my physical disability. i am able to get around but my legs are starting to stiffen up. We don't know what the diagnosis is other than cerebral palsy. I am much older than I was now and for obvious reasons it would make sense that I am not as limber as I once was, however it can feel at times like it is a curse from God slowly taking away any freedom that I once had. Added to that is my wife's money habits which have put us in financial trouble, along with my inability to talk to her about the money and my inability to talk to my wife about my pornography addiction. It a lot of ways I feel disrespected by her frivelous view of money, because she feels like God will bless us with "whatever we need when we need it" except I have to get up every day and go to work trying to get my body to work.

I realize that there are things that I take for granted on her part, and she has been very heroic in stepping in and taking up the slack in my disability. I guess I am frustrated because I feel like I should be more of a man, or a provider for my family. In fact there are many days I feel guilty for bringing children into this world because I can't provide well enough for them.

I wish I could understand what it is I am needing to let go of. I understand I just said fear and anger, but I don't know how. Does anyone have any suggestions? I feel like we are one step away from loosing it all, and yet I feel like in my mind I have been taught that God could bless us and take it all away tomorrow. How do I reconcile these things. I don't understand where the rage comes from at times, or even who it is directed at. Thanks for letting me share, I am hoping that by going to church today and taking the Sacrement I can restart my life a little bit


"Go to a meeting. Get a sponsor. We addicts are insane (step 2), and sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees."
posted at 07:12:12 on November 17, 2013 by Anonymous
just had another relaps    
"I think part of the feeling alone with Satan and myself is the feeling of hopelessness. The fact that if i am so far gone, what does one more time hurt. I can't change anyway right? I have to try and figure out a way to get back the self-discipline and the strength that I had not even a year ago. I am not sure how to do that. I guess I have to set up routines and habits to protect myself. Just going a few days abstentant is not good enough because I am not changing my heart which is the whole point right, to change my heart and get a new heart? WEll her is for another try at what seems the impossible"
posted at 11:37:28 on November 17, 2013 by sjanderson
I'm praying for you    
"SJ, I've responded directly to you a half dozen times with some of my best thoughts, and you've never acknowledged what I've said, and you've ignored a few others, too. I mean, we can't tell if you're trying some of the things we're suggesting.

So, for now, I'm gonna keep praying for you and stop responding. I know God hears you and lovesyou. He would die for you. He did. He loves and accepts you.

This life isn't real. This life is a temporary fake, a learning experience. He'll teach us what we need to know."
posted at 18:46:19 on November 17, 2013 by beclean
Knows what you are going through    
I know exactly what you are going through. I too am disabled. My body does not function as it should. Every day is a struggle to get up in the morning early to shuttle my kids off to school, to come home and have enough strength left to take care of what I can do physically around the house. The limitations that my body is giving me is to say the least very depressing. And I also reach out for my drug. However, I have learned in my brief times when I am sober, that we have two choices. We can either curse God and everyone around us for what has happened, or we can be accepting of what God has given of us and be thankful we can move just another inch further.

I know it is difficult to see it that way. I struggle with this on a constant daily basis. That is why I am here. To reach out for support which you have. :) There is strength in numbers. Where everyone helps one another. Heavenly Father put us on this earth for a reason, and I truly believe that despite my own personal difficulties, that we are to help bare and uplift one another by shouldering each others burdens so that they may be light. Please do not give up the fight. Look at each day as a victory and triumph over the adversary. If you can go to a meeting go. If you can call others, call. and post here often. Remember, you are not alone."
posted at 00:49:44 on November 21, 2013 by HumbleMatt
is anyone truly "abled"    
"I mean, sure many people have able bodies, but everyone has or will have physical challenges. We all get old, our bodies fall apart, and we die. For some people, that process starts the moment we're born. This life is only temporary, and this body is so corruptible and weak. It teaches us to look forward with hope to the next, eternal life with a body that is incorruptible and perfectly balanced. Until then, we must all deal with the fact that our bodies don't work the way we want or the way they should. I like what humblematt said, regardless of our physical challenges, we must pray so that we eventually learn to be accepting and grateful for what we have, not wallow in despair, believing our challenges are greater than anyone else."
posted at 08:27:00 on November 21, 2013 by Anonymous
depressed about your body?    
"Google nick vujicic and learn how good life can be."
posted at 08:29:23 on November 21, 2013 by Anonymous
Thanks for your kind words    
"I apologize I am workign this whole technolgoy thing out right now so I am grateful for the words of encouragement from those of you who have commented to my blog.
Things are a little better now. I am viewing things through the lens of Satan trying to pull me off the path to God. That way I am not as suprised when things go wrong, or when things are ironic. that has helped me a lot.
I am also reading my scriptures faithfully every morning on the way to work. Right now I am in the middle of the war chapters which I am learning a lot about in terms of being humble and patient and always looking for the enemy. I really enjoyed the book "Like Lions they did fight" I think that is the name of the book. Anyway the author made the application of always looking for the enemy and preparing for the next battle. I think that is the key to overcoming these addictions, constantly battling against the evil that so easily sets in.

One thing that I wish I had was a little more support at home, my wife has been pretty upset and bitter for several years now. We've stayed together to work things out, but she has at times felt it was okay to be mean because of my challenges. I guess what I am learning from this is the need to forgive all men, regardless of what they do, even those who hurt me, and I can't use it as a crutch to go back to my addiction. The other thing I am learning is that God and the Savior always love us. that there may come a time in life when they are the only ones who love us unconditionally, but there is always someone who loves us no questions asked for who we are. Thanks again for the kind words of encouragement. I think what I am learning is the application of the what I learned as a kid growing up."
posted at 17:17:08 on November 21, 2013 by sjanderson

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987