I've messed up again
By sjanderson
11/13/2013 4:42:58 AM
Here I sit with no sobriety again. My latest relapse happend not even eigh hours ago. i would like to justify and say it was not my fault, that my wife's anger drove me to it, that the friend I needed to talk to wasn' there that if I only had enough money to cover our bills I wouldn't be afraid. If I am going to make any progress though these excuses won't do me any good,

I wish I could give away my addiction, my anger etc. The lack of sobirety seems to wear on me making me think that if onlyl I was "perfect" from porn I would be blessed.

Before my relapse last night, when I was sharing the good things of my day my father mentioned that the Lord doesn't necessarily deliver us from our challenges until we've learned what we need to. In my case I don't think I'm ever going to learn what I need to. In previous situations I would justify my relapse and blame someone else. Now I know that I have to take responsibility for my actions, even though the situation is difficult. I don't want to tell my wife because I am afraid of what she is going to say, but I can't hide it from her, or I don't feel like I should. I just don't know what to do


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"i feel like as I relapse bad things happen to me. Probably not exactly true, but it is difficult to seperate the two things. For example today after my relapse I was on my way to work and I lost my wallet on the bus. Thankfully the bus driver has my wallet and I just need to go get it, except it is all the way across town and I don't have any money to get there and my wife is upset at me. It has come at an inconvenient time for her in her life and stuff. All of this against a backdrop of a big exam tomorrow that I was hoping to do well on that I am distracted from studying.

I know I deserve what I am getting because of my sins. Or that is what I believe, that bad things happen to me because I am a bad person. That my wife yells at me because I am a bad person, that I have financial problems because I am bad etc.

I have tried to be forgiving and kind to my wife for the things that she's done to me over the years, the financial mess that she's caused in our lives. Looking at it I can understand why she gets upset at me for getting upset at her over the years. We both have the right to be angry at each other, but are we willing to forgive and move on in our lives.

Last night my wife got upset at me for not cooking the right kind of dinner, not cleaning up what she thought she had told me to clean up etc.

I listened to Elder Eyering's talk yesterday about the need to be one as a couple and it came to me very quickly that we my wife and I are not working together. We are giving to one another so much that we are wearing ourselves out trying to help but pouring our energies into the bottomless pit of life.

I guess what is hard for me is that I don't feel like my wife has time for me, that I fit in only as an after thought, that i am the paycheck that allows her to do the things that she wants to do. I imagine she probably feels the same way in the work she does around the house and with the kids.

I wish I could go back and do so many things over, i wish I could win her trust back . . even thought I've worked hard to try and get that trust back it seems like I am on eggshells always afraid of her getting upset, of saying or doing the wrong thing"
posted at 09:12:19 on November 13, 2013 by sjanderson
Get to a meeting    
"And get a sponsor. Maybe it doesn't make sense why these things work and are helpful. But they are."
posted at 13:19:58 on November 13, 2013 by Anonymous
Free CD counseling...    
"Have you seen that some other addicts and I frequently recommend listening to what Tony Litster has to offer (completely for free?): and . I would never push someone so much if he were actually charging money, but this guy is completely free, and his thoughts have made a huge impact on my life. He's worth much more than free.

I've also heard others recommend Dr. Doug Weiss, and some have mentioned Candeo. I don't know much about these programs, but if you are willing to spend money, they are probably very good. If you have spent money on your addiction, it makes sense to be willing to spend money to get out.

I've never spent money on my addiction, so I struggle with the idea of spending money to get help. That's one reason I like Tony.

Check out his stuff. You will learn that you are still blessed, cared for, and watched over even when you act out. You are not a bad person because of what happened 8 hours ago. Instead, you did something that didn't serve you. You were stressed out by everything going on, and you were out of balance in your life. When you get that way, your body wants wants to get back in balance chemically as quickly as possible. And it knows EXACTLY how to do it, because it has worked every time before--go get a rush of chemicals (adrenaline, dopamine, seratonin) from viewing porn and masturbating. Those chemicals feel AWESOME, and they come EVERY TIME. So, of course your mind and body will just CRAVE your drug. It's a surefire way to get away from the stress and the pain of daily life.

Tony teaches you to actually turn daily life over to God and reduce the stress. He teaches you to take simple daily steps to stay in balance, so that you don't crave things as often. He teaches you to recognize what it is you really need when you feel the cravings come on. Then, instead of using your drug, you can get what your mind and body are really craving. He teaches you to be present in your feelings and pay attention to what your body is asking for. And he gives you tools to help you turn off the cravings when they come!

I hope he can help you.

If bad things are happening to you that you "deserve," it's because you feel you deserve it. You are "attracting" those bad things.

I don't think you deserve those bad things. I think you are child of God. You are a being of light, truth, intelligence, and infinite worth. God was willing to sacrifice his only perfect son for you. God loves you and accepts you. He wants to bless you, not curse you. He wants you to be happy. He is not glad that you are frustrated and unable to overcome. He is there for you, and he is ready to consume your problems and remove the darkness around you, if you will turn to him in the moment and ask him to do it.

You are not a bad person. You simply do things that don't serve you.

Oh, and Tony even has a free "course" for couples who are struggling. I can't remember the website for it, and I haven't listened to it. I'm grateful I've never needed it, but you might check that out, too. Oh, I think I found it:

I also second everything Anonymous said."
posted at 18:36:02 on November 13, 2013 by beclean
Links have been Hacked into    
"BECLEAN.... YOUR LINKS HAVE BEEN HACKED INTO....Not sure how it can be resolved but thought I'd let you know....They must be good and helpful to be the target of adversity"
posted at 07:17:27 on December 9, 2013 by Anonymous

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"If it were possible to make your road very easy, you wouldn’t grow in strength. If you were always forgiven for every mistake without effort on your part, you would never receive the blessings of repentance. If everything were done for you, you wouldn’t learn how to work, or gain self-confidence, or acquire the power to change. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990