I think today might b. e the last day
By sjanderson
11/12/2013 4:49:25 AM
I am writing this not to be dramatic, but I feel like today might be the last day. i don't like the idea of taking my own life, but I feel backed into a corner with no hope and with no reason for hope. I know the answers that are supposed to make the situation better, but they don't seem to help. I should probably be grateful for what I have and praise the Lord no matter what happens. I just don't want to and Ithink that is my problem. I am resntful to God for my physical and finanical challenges and I don't see a way out. Like I posted lastnight probably am at step 1 and should be grateful for it, just frustrating to feel like I am always here making no progress. If I felt like I was making progress I feel like things woudl be different between myself and my wife, finances would be btter and my body wouldn't hurt.

I spent a pretty sleepless night worrided about school, about what to do next and feeling compleely inadquate for my life. Again all of these signs should be pointing to step 1. I guess I should be grateful that I am oniline here instead of looking at pornography. Anyway I am going to try and turn m y life over to God today, really do itthis time and see what happens


Ya know...    
"A lotta people will probably recommend pretty strongly against suicide and get all sentimental. I don't think i'm really one to do that. Although I do think it's a horrible idea. Everyone knows 'the final solution' (pun/hyperbole intended) is a horrible idea. You know that. And god knows a lot if not everyone on this site can relate with wanting do the ol' proverbial zip up of our own body bag. Didn't even Mosses want to die? The great Socrates himself said in his dying moments "Crito, we owe a rooster to Asclepius. Please, don't forget to pay the debt." Which was to say "Pay the doctor/god who cured me of life...with death". I guess I'm just saying you're in good company. You're not alone. And I think personally even God understands your feelings.

I will say this. My sister killed herself 5 and half years ago. I know she too could not see another way out. If I could talk to her I would ask her if there isn't always a way? Maybe not a way out but a way through? I would ask her even if she only lived to experience pain and regret is not there moments that make it worth it? To experience!? I would ask her what about the still moments? Like when you hear the first bird sing on a quiet summer morning? The smell of another fall. Or the first snow. I would ask is not all the hell on earth worth that single moment? When you're totally present. I often ask myself can I not endure for the next intercourse with God? To experience deeply. Does not even the hell give these moments dimension? Is not the hell itself even deeply tied to these moments? Part of these moments.

From Vicktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning "...the story of the young woman whose death I witnessed in a concentration camp. It is a simple story. There is little to tell and it may sound as if I had invented it; but to me it seems like a poem. This young woman knew that she would die in the next few days. But when I talked to her she was cheerful in spite of this knowledge. "I am grateful that fate has hit me so hard," she told me. "In my former life I was spoiled and did not take spiritual accomplishments seriously." Pointing through the window of the hut, she said, "This tree here is the only friend I have in my loneliness." Through that window she could see just one branch of a chestnut tree, and on the branch were two blossoms. "I often talk to this tree," she said to me. I was startled and didn't quite know how to take her words. Was she delirious? Did she have occasional hallucinations? Anxiously I asked her if the tree replied. "Yes." What did it say to her? She answered, "It said to me, 'I am here-I am here-I am life, eternal life.'"

I submit that you don't actually know the answers that are suppose to help. Or haven't yet learned to apply them which is true knowledge. From The Gospel of Thomas (a dead sea scroll - i'm on a Gospel of Thomas kick I really love it): Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are disturbed, they will marvel, and will reign over all. [And after they have reigned they will rest.]"
Jesus said "If your leaders say to you, 'Look, the (Father's) kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the (Father's) kingdom is within you and it is outside you.
When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty."

D&C 88
( )
And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings;
Which light proceedeth forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space—
The light which is in all things, which giveth life to all things, which is the law by which all things are governed, even the power of God who sitteth upon his throne, who is in the bosom of eternity, who is in the midst of all things."
posted at 06:38:43 on November 12, 2013 by they_speak
You're a student?    
"Is there a teacher you know who seems to care about you, someone you might be able to discuss your trials with and get some advice? I teach at BYU-Idaho, and I would absolutely love a student like you to come discuss life with me. Maybe I'm your teacher?"
posted at 07:14:32 on November 12, 2013 by Anonymous
Maybe I am your neighbor and friend    
"I certainly would be affected by your sudden death. A guy at work died about a year ago. I still am haunted by his death and I barely knew his name. You are loved. Even when times are hard, you are loved."
posted at 07:48:19 on November 12, 2013 by Anonymous
Thanks for your kind words    
"I have to say it was nice to have people reach out to me. I didn't mean it to be a pitty party or wallowing in self pity. My challenge is that while I've worked with my wife to try and overcome my primary addiction to porn and its related addictions and learn to communicate better, I still find myself empty inside. I guess that is where the Savior comes to help us.

On a positive note I have to share the tender mercy of the Lord that happened for me today. As I was riding the bus this morning I have to admit I think I may have felt the Spirit, the real burning in my heart. Something that I haven't felt in a long time, so long in fact I wasn't sure if it was the Spirit or just me "thinking it up". I am trying to give it over to God and go with the idea that it was the Spirit, that I am loved and that my life does have a purpose. I think that i have a challenge of allowing myself to be loved because of fear. Growing up with a moderate physical disabilty I think I have some sort of view of myself that I am not worth being loved, even thought there is all this evedince to the contrary I have a hard time allowing myself to be open and vulnerable"
posted at 08:46:24 on November 12, 2013 by sjanderson
"I'm so glad for your story on the bus. Pure poetry. Beauty."
posted at 09:07:07 on November 12, 2013 by they_speak
"God loves you, and he let you know. Cry out to him whenever you need it, even in the midst of sin. He is there for you, and you can show up with him exactly as you are. As his child, a being of light and intelligence, you are always more than enough. He loves and accepts you! Even though you sin, you can still feel his love."
posted at 09:47:06 on November 12, 2013 by Beclean

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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006