Feeling disoriented
By Mrpuppy1983
10/14/2013 11:46:50 PM
After 4 years of dabbling in the ARP, and numerous productive discussions with priesthood leaders, I've come to a sobering conclusion. I have no idea what "step" I'm on. In fact, my progression resembles a tap dance rather than an accent up a staircase. I've thoroughly described my exact mistakes and unacceptable behavior to my bishop and other confidants , but I haven't actually written anything down. I've testified of the Devine work of this program to others, but now I seem to be drowning in doubt and despare. I find myself trembling in fear that it's too late for me.

My poor wife has endured my porn addiction which morphed into sexual abuse for almost 12 years now. Through it all, she hars believed in me, and endured tribulation that boggles my mind. Naturally, her endurance is wearing thin, and she's looking for a way out. Not because she doesn't care for me anymore, but because my perpetual backslides and cyclicle behaviors have left her drained of virtually all strength and hope. It kills me to know that I have nearly destroyed her life because of my selfishness and weakness. I want to belie that this time, I can be what she needs me to be. I've gotten so afraid of failure that I'm nearly paralyzed.

I want my wife and I to be sealed to our children the temple. I want to be the husband/father that they deserve. I want, for once in my life, to know what pure love and joy feel like. I don't want any of us to needlessly suffer anymore. Does it ever get better from here? Even if my wife can't stand to be with me any longer, is there peace to be had? How can I feel atoned for if I loose everyone I love? Where can I find the strength to truly do this for me?


Dabbling in ARP    
"I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you are the sexaholic who is still suffering.

If you want to see different results, try doing something different. Give Sexaholics Anonymous a shot. It is not sanctioned by the church, but there is nothing stopping you from tying the gospel into the program. I have found it tremendously helpful. There is hope. There is help. Best of luck to you!"
posted at 13:04:11 on October 15, 2013 by ETTE
I think you don't know your own worth    
"I sense that you, like me and most everyone else on this site, have a self-esteem and shame problem, of which pornography is not the cause, it is the symptom. Like me, you probably feel that you are not worthy of anyone's love--so you subconsciously sabotage your relationships to prove how unlovable you are. You don't love yourself, and so you can't accept the fact, despite substantial evidence, that others love you. If someone expresses love to you, you ignore it or downplay it. Of course, this all eventually takes its toll on the people who truly love you. They can't constantly support your self-esteem when you, yourself, are destroying it.

I have recently learned that I can reprogram my mind to love myself. I can recognize my infinite worth and accept myself. When I do that, I am suddenly able to accept the love others have for me. I finally believe I am loved and desired, because I love myself.

When your mind is firm in the fact that you are a child of God with infinite worth, life becomes amazing. MrPuppy, God loves you enough to sacrifice his only son for you. He would have done it even if you were the only one he could save. He accepts you, despite your past. He gave his son for you, and it was a good trade. The worth of your soul is great.

Hang on. Give it one more try. Start from step 1. And check out"
posted at 14:05:30 on October 15, 2013 by beclean
A small step forward    
"Thanks for the feedback. I'm not sure if my small community has an SA meeting, but I'll keep that in mind.

Beclean, you absolutely nailed it. I've done some serious soul-searching this year, and have seen the fingerprint of my ibsecurity on every pile of wreckage that I find. It's gotten to the point where my feelings of conflict over being loved have been palpable at times. But have come to realize that. I NEED to learn how to be loved.

It amazes me how thoroughly I've managed to isolate myself, rand dismiss nearly every ounce of love that's ever been offered to me. For instance, I could fill a book with all of the amazing things that my wife has done for me, and the innumerable evidences of her love that she has shown me. Yet, when she took it upon herself to prepare to be sealed to me, I elected to let my fear lead us away from the Temple, rather than allowing for love for her and my children to bring the everlasting peace that I truly seek.

And what of my relationship with the Savior? Through this entire process, he has never ceased to remind me that he is here. Nevertheless, fear dominates my heart all too often. I cannot fathom his love for me, but I'm trying my heart out to accept it.

I took the small step of attending our stake's AR meeting tonight. It was a logisticle struggle to get there, but I'm so glad I made the effort. I know that it's no coincidence that this week's topic was hope. It was exactly the message I needed to hear, from/with just the right people. I see small signs of improvement and positive momentum mounting in my life. I pray this time that I can finally make it last."
posted at 00:13:17 on October 16, 2013 by Mrpuppy1983

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"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball