By Deimos
6/26/2013 1:07:28 PM
I can't do it, I'm not good enough. I want to disappear. I wish I could just die. I've tried so hard for so long, I don't know what could possibly change me. I don't have motivation to live. I can't do anything. I can't stop. I can't go on a mission. I can't motivate myself to move. I can't get up, I'll just sleep until I die.

Why did I quite my job? why did I leave my home, why did I move here? Why did I go to the temple? Why am I a Mormon? Why am I alive? What am I supposed to do? The pain is not enough, I will just repeat myself like a broken record. What is the purpose to my life? Why did I have to come here? What will happen to me now? I have lost my agency. I am confused and disoriented. I am hurt and damaged, I am broken. I am depressed, and I can not be happy even when I should be. I am doomed. I feel hopeless. I am critical. I am cynical. I'm going crazy.

I will never be good enough. I am the devil's advocate, and I don't know what I will do. So what if I confess my sins to Bishop, I'll just do it again, I've confessed before I did not stop. I can't motivate myself to work, I've already worked for years and I was inconsistent with my sins at best, clinging on trying not to die in my sins. I would not stop, even though it hurt me so much. I could not stop, I'll blame everybody else. I can not stop I've been trapped for so many years. I will not stop, God never helped me. I've tried to stop I always came back. I wish I could stop. I wish I could be happy. Wickedness never was happiness. I wish I would have stopped when I was younger.

God what do you want from me? How can the pain stop. What should I do? What can I do? I am a Calvinist Father in Heaven, I am confused about my own free agency. I feel like I've been predestined to hell. I would deny the agency given to Adam, I would deny my own agency and deny coming here. This is the real intent of my heart Father in Heaven, I feel like a son of perdition, and I am a lair and a deceiver, a hypocrite. I can not tell my left arm from my right. I question my very testimony. Is this real. Can God come to me in my sins. Can I repent now? Why do we make covenants we can not keep, why do we try to repent if we will just sin again. Pray and Pray all that you can the wages of sin is death by your hand. I have been deceived and I am blinded by the devil. God knows what will happen next so why makes us accountable.

I am like Korihor, except I lied. I have the frenzied mind and I can not think for myself or think at all. I am an addict, sexual in nature. But my real problem is, I have no hope and no confidence in myself. I have lost my faith and trust in God. I've been neither hot nor cold, I was never honest with myself. I will try to be honest now and maybe my pain will finally become unbearable.



""Don't you quit, you keep walking, you keep trying . . . there is help and happiness ahead . . . Trust god and believe in good? things to come." - Elder Holland. These are the words that I try and think every time I struggle. Don't lose hope! Don't lose faith! God will never let you down,and he's always there to help! I promise to you, that any time, anywhere, you can gain strength and joy needed to overcome temptation. For me often it's just having the courage and strength to say that prayer. So my advice is pray! Pray more than you ever have before. Pray even when you have the smallest doubt that you can't do it. Pray when you feel happy, pray when you feel lower than ever before. Without communication with heavenly father, he can't help you overcome this challenge!"
posted at 14:17:46 on June 26, 2013 by Anonymous
There is hope...    
"You're thinking too much. You can't think your way into right acting. You have to act your way into right thinking. Take a few simple actions and see where it leads you.

1) Go to 12 Step meeting.

2) Announce that you need some help."
posted at 19:17:55 on June 26, 2013 by Anonymous
"And there it is...the words each of us hears inside our minds and hearts in the darkest and most frightening moments of our lives. Sometimes I don't know why I come to this site anymore. I know why I first came, but I don't know why I come back.

It is posts like yours, Deimos. that remind me why I come here.

Thank you for writing this. Not because it is pretty or soft on the ears. But because it is real. It is raw. Not all of it is the parts about you being doomed....but the feelings are true. And there is power in that.

When I first came here, all I could say was how much I hated God. When I prayed, the only things that would come out were the words, "I hate you. I hate you." Someone here, many someones here, told me when I shared that (and I was so afraid of the backlash my comment would bring) that it was good that I was saying that. They told me that "God is strong. He can take it. Just keep talking to Him. No matter what."

Eventually, my anger and hate turned to sorrow again, and eventually to need, and then to gratitude, and love.

I don't know why we go through what we go through. But I believe that my path was the only path painful enough for me to force me to humble myself and fall into the arms of my Savior. In total submission there is true reality. There is true joy.

I agree with anon above. Get to some meetings if you haven't already. Keep going if you have. You are writing the words written in the heart of every addict. There is a way out. I promise. I promise."
posted at 21:57:08 on June 26, 2013 by maddy
You sound different, a little crazy. We nees more crazy    
"There's too much conformity on thus site. Quite frankly I hate that about the internet. Why we seek social approval by those we don't know or will never meet, I don't know. But people online for some reason love to be loved and accepted, and sometimes they sacrifice their individual identity.

Deimos, you seem interesting. Explain more about your life. You're a thinker, obviously, but organize your thoughts so we can follow and comment. It's good to write down exactly what in your head, heck its fun. But I can't really add any value when I don't know what your saying or asking.

Keep coming, don't conform. People on here can be nasty if you don't go with the status quo.

Meow :-X"
posted at 00:25:19 on June 27, 2013 by mint
You are loved, Deimos    
"God does not love people based on what they have accomplished or done. He loves babies, and they have done nothing. He loves children, and they haven't accomplished much. He loves people with physical and mental disabilities--even though some of them can't do everything we are supposed to do.

I, too, have a physical and mental disability and disease. Just because I'm alive and human, I know that I am not perfect, and I will make many mistakes.

God still loves me. And he loves you.

Deimos, you can't change yourself. You can't win this battle. And you won't be clean tomorrow. The desire to change yourself and to fix this problem and to control it will keep you enslaved to it.

Instead, just desire to love God, to serve him, and to serve his children. Focus on THAT desire.

God will fight your battles for you and make up for your imperfections and defects. All he asks is that you focus on him and his work. Don't worry about yourself or your problems.

You can't change you. But God can change you.
You can't win this battle (so stop trying!). But God can win this battle.
You won't be clean tomorrow. But God will make you clean with small simple steps over many years, and then you will look back and see the miracle that is your life.

You are so valued. The worth of your soul is great in the sight of God. He loves you, and he can heal you.

To "repent" means to turn to God. Turn to him. Look to the brass serpent. Be healed. It won't happen immediately, but if you just quit worrying constantly about your own worthiness checklist and just start serving God and his children--thrust in your sickle with an eye single to the glory of God--then HE will change you.

That's what I believe."
posted at 11:33:45 on June 27, 2013 by beclean
rock bottom    
"Well... this sounds like a good rock bottom moment for you. everyone needs to hit it, sometimes more than once. you've got a choice now - you can give in to the hopelessness and despair, or you can listen to the voice of hope. It has taken many of us years and years to get out of addiction. You might need to accept some things that you hadn't planned on - but it's possible and worth it. Let this sorrow turn into Godly sorrow and turn you to action. It sounds like you're ready to accept step 1 of the 12 steps, and now you need to move onto step 2. I completely lost my faith in God and life as well and was able to bounce back and find it through the 12 step program. You can too - hang in there"
posted at 11:33:55 on June 27, 2013 by recovery.gdo
"My bishop says I am a knucklehead.

I finally talked to him again last night. I like to hide. I bark a lot more online than I do in person. I'm much more of a passive coward.

I think my Bishop is a goof, he repeats his words constantly but I feel he always speaks the truth. He is much more patient and nice to me than I am.

I do not feel forgiven yet, though I pray that I will pray. Nephi did not say I think I can fallow the commandments. Even if I lie to myself, it is much better on the mind to hope for a better world. I believe that I believe.

I don't want to talk about myself just yet. I deceive myself, and I'm not honest with myself. I'm not nice to me. I'm an animal no a son of God. I choke while trying to say that in the mirror. I am my own demon deimos. I've been through this before, I'm very quick to doubt, to give up. Everybody else sees more in me than I do. Why do I want to die, why do I die in my sins?

There are those 2 wolves again, Bishop, bishop. Can I feed them? the one and not the other?

Bishop is going to give me a leaf. He says it's from the Tree of Life, which is the Love of God. Are we the love of God?

posted at 14:41:31 on June 27, 2013 by Deimos
"Where is your email address Kick it? I've read many of your posts. I've been here for awhile.

posted at 13:33:13 on June 29, 2013 by Deimos
have the demons cast out    
"I,ll say....have that preisthood blessing to cast out the demons devils + unclean spirit.....start there....
rubuke the devil.
you have to get the spirit attacgment off you so u can move. the devil has you so locked up.....
then you'll be able to move.
thus demon is the thing that keeps repeating these sayings.

once u hv the demon cast out then you'll make progress...."
posted at 16:42:20 on July 5, 2013 by skyteamst90

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"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation‚ÄĚ. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."

— D. Todd Christofferson

General Conference October 2006