Just Me
By whitney h
6/1/2007 6:50:18 PM
I'm new. I've never been to a meeting. I've only recently been introduced to the 12 Steps Program. I've been through a few months of counseling. I just found this website, and felt like I should join. So I did.

I've been reading over the blogs and I find them inspiring. Thank you for all that have written. Even though I know it wasn't written specifically for me, it's still has helped.

I have to say, though, I'm not addicted to any drugs or alcohol - though I've been seriously tempted to start. Really, I'm addicted... I guess to relationships. Funny thing is, I've never had a relationship. I'm sorry - I know this sounds really weird. I'm having a hard time even writing this down.

I'm addicted to the fantasies that I create in my head. I imagine having close intamite moments with guys, that I just get sucked into. I spend hours and hours just thinking about what might happen, letting life pass me by. You see, I have problems with being close to people, though I really want to be. It's the thing I'm most afraid of.

That's why I "space out" and loose myself in my own imagination. The thing is, I can't seem to stop. I started a few years ago, and it's only gotten worse. When I'm stressed, its what I turn to. That, and food. I've brushed the opportunities of drugs, but haven't gone there. I hope I don't.

Another thing is, I can't really talk about what's going on inside me to anyone. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's had this difficulty. So that's why I'm writing this here. I don't really expect any response, or even for anyone to understand - but I guess that's ok. I know my Father in Heaven knows and understands. I know He loves me, and I guess that's all that really matters. I just thought, in writing this, that maybe someone out there might be having a similar trouble, and be able to let me know how they deal.


"Welcome to this site. I hope you can find something here that will help you. You sound very sweet and vulnerable. I would guess that you are fairly young. I think that if this is something really troubling your life you need to go in and talk with your Bishop about it. He can perhaps guide you in things you can do to create "real" relationships with others instead of fantasies. I feel that this is a growing problem with a world that turns more and more to the computer for friendships, dating, hookups, etc. It is really easy to develop a relationship when it isn't in a real setting. I would encourage you to get actively involved in situations with "real" people (whether it be church activities, school or club situations of some type, etc.) and work on cultivating friendships through these outlets. Also - seek out counseling from a competant LDS counselor or support group of some kind. Again - your bishop can help point you in the right direction. Your Father in Heaven does indeed love you and he is there to help you. Stay close to him through your prayers and your scripture study. Look for new ways to serve others. I will pray for you that you will be able to find the help you need."
posted at 19:59:32 on June 1, 2007 by Anonymous
it's not as weird as you might think...    
"but you're right, it IS a problem. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming and fantasizing. It's a good, positive, healthy way to relieve stress. But when you start to mix fantasy with reality, or when you do it so often, that it gets in the way of real life, then it becomes unhealthy.

It's funny, but what you have described sounds exactly like who I was once upon a time. (out of curiosity, how old are you? ) I used to love to read those high school based love stories (and though I started this in junior high, I was still reading these books well into college!), where you knew there wasn't a "happily ever after" theme, but just that a relationship was formed at the end. I can't think of all the tv shows I used to love, but they were all about a guy and girl and how they ended up together in the end. I would read and eat, or watch tv and eat, or watch a movie and eat. THEN, when I'd go to sleep, I'd fall asleep fantasizing that I was the main character in the movie, or the book. And during the day, when I got bored, I'd let my mind wander off into those fantasies, and would just let myself go nuts with it. It's funny, but the best day dreams I ever had didn't ever end in a passionate embrace, but with the guy just telling me he thought I was beautiful.

It got really bad in high school, and just got worse during college.

So, the biggest problem I had was that I was so brainwashed from all the tv, movies, and books, that I had this idea of how a guy should act, and how girls should act, and how guys and girls should interact. Let me tell you, it was NOWHERE even close to reality!!! And because of my brainwashed ideas, I kept getting disappointed in every single person I'd meet. So I'd meet a guy, and I'd fantasize about how he'd notice me... and how he'd find me irresistable... and how HE would approach me... sigh... but it never EVER happened. BIG disappointments all over the place!

I was so caught up in my fantasy land, that I even expected girls to act a certain way (you know the whole gaggle of popular girls who run around together and do everything together and all that???). But for some reason, I just never clicked with the popular girls in school (something about that whole I wouldn't party with them thing - they thought I was a miss goody two shoes!). And so I thought there must be something wrong with me that I can't make friends with more than one person at a time (I always had one good solid best friend). And so of course, the constant disappointments in reality would send me running to my tv, books, movies and FOOD.

ANYWAY (again), because of my living in fantasy land, I missed out on a lot of opportunities. And because of my destructive behaviors (overeating, laying around watching tv, movies, or reading...), I drove the spirit away and didn't even realize it at the time!

If I could travel back in time, I'd go back and slap myself....... several times!

SO.... how did I deal with it? First, I had to learn to love myself for myself. Not the fantasy me, but just plain old ME. I also needed to get a new hobby to replace the books and the movies, and the tv and the FOOD! I chose to take up rollerblading (hey, I had a good 40 pounds to lose, I thought a hobby that included exercise was a good start!). And I LOVE rollerblading! Because of how fun and easy it is for me, I've never thought of is as exercise, just a fun thing I get to do.

Another thing I had to realize is that not everyone is meant to have a huge entourage of best friends, and I happen to be one of those people who has one or two good loyal best friends, and a few more aquaintance like friends, and that's all I need - of course I am absolutely open to the idea of making new friends, and I am friendly to everyone, but I just don't really click in that best friend way with many people, and I have learned that just not everybody does, and that's okay. I also learned that even though I don't click with everyone, I am pretty good at reading people, and so people can come to me with their problems and I can help them find solutions. I learned that I enjoy helping people this way, and I am good at it.

Bottom line, I had to learn A LOT of things about myself. One of the biggest things I had to learn was that I am who I am. I had to accept the fact that I was cursed with horrible genes that will leave me forever with a larger butt and legs than your average woman - seriously, no matter how much I exercise, or how small I get, I have finally accepted that I will never have a nice butt or nice legs unless I get a butt and leg transplant (from a supermodel), and I'm pretty sure they haven't invented those yet! To compensate, I've also accepted that I do have very nice arms, great shoulders, a very nice flat stomach (inspite of the MASSIVE stretching it took durning pregnancy - twice), pretty good hair, an attractive face, and very beautiful eyes. I've also learned that I can say those things about myself and not worry about being vain, because I'm simply being honest with myself, and appreciating what God has blessed me with. I also learned that I am a big dork, and I am okay with that.

I had to learn to start forcing myself to go out to young adult activities. I had to get out of my comfort zone and meet people, so I made it a habit to learn people's names and greet them by name when I saw them. But I also had to make myself open and available to people so when I greeted people by name, I made myself give them an opportunity to stop and chat if they wanted to. Nothing com;licated or fancy, just a simple, "Hey Mary, how are you?" or "Hi Charles, how was your weekend?" Then if they were interested in talking, they could stop and talk with me, OR they could say "I'm great!" or "It was great!" and keep walking. And I learned to not take it personally if they kept walking, because another thing I learned is that sometimes people just have things to do, or they're so wrapped up in their own lives, that they just don't notice other people.

SOOOOO.... here's me rambling on and on about me.... sorry. John Bytheway once stated in a talk (maybe he quoted it from someone else, can't remember) that "Wise people learn from their mistakes. SUPERWISE people learn from OTHERS mistakes!" I hope that in sharing some of my experiences, others can be SUPERWISE and learn from my mistakes instead of making their own very similar mistakes.

WHITNEY, you already recognize that you have a problem, and that is the first step in fixing it. Two things you need to do now are to first, figure out what the root cause of your problem is, and then decide how you are going to fix it. From my own experience, I'd venture to guess that part of your root cause would be low self esteem, partially due to many disappointments from comparing real life to the life you have created in your fantasies.

Last thing... I didn't share my problems with anyone, and so I did all my fixing it on my own. Didn't even think to bring the Lord into it. That's not to say I was doing it alone - the Lord was with me every step of the way, blessing me in ways I couldn't see or recognize at the time. It took me several years and a lot of hard work to completely change my life, but I think I could have done it much faster, had I brought the Lord into it from the beginning. Does that make sense?

Okay, that's all for now (after how much rambling???). I hope this has been helpful. Above all else, remember that the Lord loves you and IS looking after you, and will NEVER EVER turn his back on you! Trust Him, and everything will be okay."
posted at 09:56:33 on June 3, 2007 by mcr285
"We all have a hole"    
"Please don't feel that you are the odd one. When I went to my first meeting I didn't think they would accept me if they knew what my problem was. I'm addicted to porn and most of them had chemical addictions. I was just going to find out about the program and then work it on my own. I didn't tell them what my problem was, but afterwards two of them caught me before I could get a book and get away.

One of them told me, "We all have a hole, and we're trying to fill it with something."

That let me know they didn't care what I was trying to fill the hole with. I have been going for over six years now and have learned that addicts understand pain. It doesn't matter what our "drug of choice is" we have all experienced pain and tried to escape it one way or another.

I and many others here have tried to escape the real world through fantasy. I always wanted someone who would love me. From the second or third grade I always had a girlfriend. None of them ever knew it. In fact I didn't even talk to many of them. One year I remember deciding that I needed a girlfriend for the summer since I wouldn't see my girlfriend until school started again, so I chose a girl in my ward. It is hard to admire them from afar if you can't even see them. Recently I ran across an old journal from my teens. I was amazed at how many enteries had "Saw Shelly today. Didn't say hi."

Just know that even if we are different in some ways, many of us understand how you feel. We emapthize with you. I know the 12 Steps can help, because they are a powerful way to apply the atonement. The atonement is how God can heal us of whatever we are suffering from.

We can't, He can, and He wants to. We just have to let Him. He is willing to do it for you."
posted at 16:00:39 on June 4, 2007 by justjohn
"that was a really long comment from me there... would you believe I'd already deleted about half of what I'd written before posting??? sorry about that. i've been kind of sleep deprived lately and i tend to ramble as a result!!! :)"
posted at 20:05:14 on June 4, 2007 by mcr285
Thank You MCR285    
"You might think you were just rambling, but everything you said I think I needed to hear. When I was reading about you, it was like reading about myself... And I think its true - I do have a low self-esteem. I'm tall and big and exactly the opposite in looks of what I've always wanted to be. Lately, I've been working on loving myself. Forgiving myself. Not criticizing myself. Looking for the positive instead of dwelling on the negative. And trying to increase my faith in Jesus Christ's Atonement.

So, thank you again. I'll take your words to heart."
posted at 22:41:48 on June 5, 2007 by whitney h
Share with others.    
"I know your post was along time ago. I wanted to see how you were going with everything. I have completed the course and the material and feel to go over it again. I have created a website it my way of starting to do step 12."
posted at 09:48:11 on June 25, 2010 by Another_Dad

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"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball