Porn, Pot and the Priesthood.
By Mjmomo
1/28/2013 12:51:34 AM
Not sure where to begin. I have been a member of the church for 9 years, My wife of 11 years grew up in the Church, but was inactive when we met but after our 1st child was born she wanted to go back to church and I followed. One of the best decisions I have ever made was to join the church. We were sealed in the Temple and have a great marriage. I have always struggled with addiction of some sort, mostly porn since I was a teen. I was a big drinker in high school and college. Never really did drugs until my early twenties when I discovered ecstasy and weed my last year of college. I would go clubbing all night and hangout at stip clubs, it didn't seem out of the norm since I had no idea about the church and it's doctrine. Just having a good time. I met my wife through a mutual friend and it was love at first sight. We went clubbing together and life was good. 5 months after we married, she was pregnant and so the party ended. I still drank at night after work, just a few to relax. Joined the church a year after our daughter was born and hung it all up, but still had a hard time keeping the porn under control. About 6 years ago I found myself sneaking off to strip clubs during the day and having a few beers and my porn addiction was in full force, my wife had no idea. This eventually turned into more sins of lust and eventually crossing the line into sexual transgression, I was so ashamed and my life spinning out of control, but I kept it hidden from everyone. This behavior went on for over a year. I was so depressed and at the lowest point in my life, I could not control my porn addiction, the only thing I could do to control my mind and depression was weed. I'm a high functioning pot head, it helped me stay focused and calm, and most importantly it kept me from porn and lustful thoughts. I have a great job /professional office type and would smoke before work, smoke at lunch and before I got home. No one had any idea, it Kept me level, focused, happy and most importantly clean from my other addictions. I Traded an immoral addiction for an illegal one. But I convinced myself that I was using weed medically and that it was making me a better husband, father and person since it kept my SA under control. I managed to keep my daily weed smoking from my wife for 2 years. My wife isn't stupid, I'm just a good liar and always had my bases covered. Of course once got caught I down played the frequency of my use, went to the Bishop and confessed and repented. Stayed clean for a few months but then I started getting the SA urges again and refused to go down the SA rabbit hole again, so I started smoking again. This has been a back and fourth battle for the past 3 years. I Smoke for a few months, get caught by my wife, repent, stay clean for a few weeks maybe months, start looking at porn, get depressed and suicidal, so I go smoke just once to "reset" which always eventually turns into daily use. Then I get caught by my wife (she knows what to look for now) and the cycle begins. I would much rather be a pot head then a porn watching scumbag. My wife is the most loyal person and has never told a sole about my problems. We now have 4 kids and I can't afford to lose them, or lose a great job or my freedom if I get caught. It has been 6 days since she last caught me. I have gone to my Bishop who is great, but I have not been able to confess the real reason why I smoke pot, which is to keep my SA under wraps. I have down played that bit of info from both him and my wife. My wife would flip out and would probably leave me. It would break her heart and I can't do that. I have gone to the AR meetings but have never really felt a huge connection when I'm there. I found this site 5 days ago and it has been very helpful, I have never openly admitted the extent of my addictions to anyone until now, it feels good to get this off my chest. I want to be clean so I can get back to the Temple and have complete peace again.


You amaze me!    
"You really are something. I feel a genuine convert in you. You could have long ago written off the Church and all its restrictions and reverted to your nonmember former self. But, instead, I sense that you know everything you are doing is wrong, and you want to stop. You love the Lord, you love your wife, and you love your kids, but you are trapped in a vicious cycle of addiction that you can't break. Alone.

And that's the key. You can't break the cycle alone, and you can't break it while you continue to dishonestly cover your sins and try to hide (like Adam and Eve).

Only the Savior can appropriately cover your sins and wipe them out, and the only way for him to do that is if you come out of hiding and admit to him and everyone else the full nature of your wrongs. Coming to this site was a great first step. Keep coming back, and start going to meetings. You'll find the strength to confess to the people you need to confess to.

You can't do this alone. But you are not alone! So, come out into the light. Quit hiding. When you cover your sins and hide, you are left to yourself to fight against God. That doesn't work.

The Savior is the Light and the Truth. When you come into the light and reveal the truth, the truth will set you free.

Finally, Satan will tell you to fear the light and stay hidden. He wants you to fear the anger of your family (please read Job 31:33-34). He wants you to be afraid you will lose your wife and kids.

That is only half true. The scary whole truth Satan isn't telling you is that YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST YOUR WIFE AND KIDS. Think of all the ways you have already lost them with your dishonesty actions and sneaking about.

But the rest of the Truth Satan doesn't want you to know is that, IF YOU ARE EVER TO GET YOUR FAMILY BACK, it will be by coming into the Light. It will be by coming to Christ and returning to the temple and to God.

Do not let Satan keep you in the dark. Come into the Light and be perfected in Christ. Turn your life over to him. Become willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. And what it takes is to surrender your life to God. Find out what that means to you.

To me, it means I can't do it. I can't fix my problems, my temptations, my triggers, my depression, etc. In those moments, I try to fix myself, and I fail miserably with self-medication. Instead, I need to surrender and say, "God, I can't fight this. Please fight it for me, while I go do..." whatever it is I need to do.

He is there for you. We are here for you. I will pray for you.
With love,"
posted at 02:41:09 on January 28, 2013 by BeClean
You can do this    
"There are others who have it worse than you who are now clean and sober. The journey is not easy. But you can do this. Have you been to SA yet? If not, check it out. It can help you change your life. Working the steps and the program can help you let God into your life so he can help you overcome this. Hang in there."
posted at 09:22:41 on January 28, 2013 by G1rlie
Finding Strength in your Words!    
"BECLEAN, Thank you for your thoughts. As hard as it is to hear "YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST YOUR WIFE AND KIDS", deep down I have known this for a very longtime, I guess I figured if I was active in the church, attentive at home, good provider for my family, pay my tithing, keep as many of the commandments as possible, and pretend to be clean to those around me that somehow I would get a pass to be with my Family Eternally. Well as much as I had hoped this to be true, "fake it till you make it" doesn't apply when it comes to salvation and the Celestial Kingdom. If it did, then I'm sure I would have my pass through the pearly gates, sucks for me and my Family that it doesn't work that way. I'm finally starting to realize that my self medicating is my way of avoiding the Truth. I have attempted going through the 12 Steps before and couldn't get my "self inventory" done and then Share it. Not sure if my 1st blogs counts as my self inventory but it did feel good to finally admit that my drug use was tied to the shame of my SA addiction or that I even have a SA. Not sure how my wife will react to this, I have eluded a SA to her before and she flipped out. she seemed more accepting with me having a drug problem then having a porn addiction. My guess is that for a woman, especially an attractive woman that it hurts her pride and self esteem to have her spouse view porn. Even though it has nothing to do with how she looks, or how she performs. My Bishop told me once that it was a Miracle that I have kept my pot use so hidden, I know the Lord has been by my side through it all, im not saying that he has been condoning my use, but i feel that he has been protecting my Family from total humiliation and destruction. I constantly have had the thoughts and prompting that it's much better to go to the Lord in Humility and not due to Humiliation from being EXPOSED. I know I have been glossing over my Transgressions with the Bishop, as they say, the Devil is in the details and I have been giving him the decoy version, I have made my pot use the focus, when my SA is the real story. They are both BAD and are keeping me and my Family from ALL that the Father has for us. I pray for the courage to use my new found clarity to make things right and live up to my potential and partake of the privileges that await the rightouse and repentant."
posted at 00:16:12 on January 29, 2013 by mjmomo
That's the spirit!    
"Shake the flaxen cord and chain from your neck. Don't let the Devil lead you carefully down to destruction by telling you that all is well.

All is not well, as long as you stay hidden in the dark. And when you come into the light, all will not yet be well.

But with time, with enough Eternal Light and healing Living Waters, you can be whole again. Remember who is the Master Healer. Stop self-medicating.

Praying for you still."
posted at 01:10:05 on January 29, 2013 by BeClean
miracle of forgiveness and will power is not enough    
"These two books, the miracle of forgiveness and will power is not enough are good sources of information and personal restoration, (the savoir or light). Arp (atonement realization program meetings) will help."
posted at 00:30:19 on March 27, 2015 by Anonymous

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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay