What if I am not in love with my husband...
By Wishful
12/15/2012 11:48:55 AM
I've been married for 33 years. My husband has had a homosexual porn addiction problem for longer than that. I found out about it within the first year of our marriage. I have tried to keep my feelings for him alive, but every episode of discovery has been a drain on my heart. A few years ago, I began a relationship with a man that has not been a physical affair, but it is a very strong emotional affair. I have been separated from my husband for almost a year. I moved out but I do go home to our family house to help him take care of things there, to cook for my children and my husband when I have an evening off. We spend time as a family on Sunday's, when I am not working and I feel a love and a concern for him and my children that is important to me. I don't feel the love and trust for him that I want and need to feel as his wife. I wish him no harm nor do I have any anger towards him regarding his problem. He is in therapy and trying to overcome. I hope he can overcome this problem. But, I don't want to be his wife anymore. I am in love with my friend. Is falling in love with someone else a sin? Is the only way for my Heavenly Father to be happy with me is to stay in a marriage that has been filled with distrust and doubt? I know that I may sound very selfish, but no one has walked this path but me. Do we, as LDS people have to stay in marriages that we are not happy with in order to be accepted. Is it better to stay in a marriage and go through the motions, even if my heart isn't in it or to be honest with myself and my feelings and move on...My husband knows about my friendship and he wishes it would end. My problem is that the trust is so broken between myself and my husband. My bishop knows too and he has said that I need to trust in my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I do trust in them to make everything okay. Whether I stay married and come home or divorce and leave, I do trust them to make things okay. Is this the right perspective?


"I don't see you as selfish at all. I can understand why you have found yourself in love with someone else. Why did YOU move out? Why not your husband if he was the one having the issues with SSA and porn? The problem seems to be that any chance at salvaging this marriage is sabotaged by the fact that there is now a third party involved. I am not judging. Maybe the marriage was finished a long time ago and this third party came along after the fact. I am just saying that you are already divorced in your heart. But I sense that you still want to work on the marriage for some reason. Is the reason your children? I don't believe our Heavenly Father expects us to stay in a one-sided marriage that makes us miserable. I don't have answers for you, only sympathy and understanding. You do not sound selfish to me. You sound profoundly lonely and unhappy. I know divorce is a bad word in our faith but please don't think for a moment that there is no salvation after divorce. Our Heavenly Father knows your heart. Your husband has been tested with one of the most difficult tests there is and that can be nothing short of devastating on a spouse. My answer to your last question is a resounding "yes""
posted at 12:37:06 on December 15, 2012 by Anonymous
Your husband has brought nothing to the table for 33 years    
"and from what you say, he was deceptive when he married you. You have no reason to stay, especially since you're now in love with someone who apparently feels the same way about you, and who would almost certainly be a better mate for you.

President Faust said that those who are in marriages where they feel degraded day after day have a right to divorce. And BYU TV aired a documentary about a young LDS wife who divorced her husband (I think after only two years of marriage, before they had children). They aired it several times. The young lady told her story in her own voice (she was in silhouette, you never see her face), and even said her husband was the best husband in the world and that she really loved him, but she couldn't put up with his porn addiction any longer. So she ended it. BYU wouldn't have been allowed to air that if it didn't have the Church's approval at the highest levels. So think about that and apply it to your own situation.

I think this other man that you're in love with might have been sent by a loving God who wants you to be fulfilled, not degraded. Your present husband is not a husband at all. You are under no obligation to continue your relationship with him.

I can't look you in the eye and know what you're all about, but I think you need to stop asking for permission to breathe or to exist, and start being concerned about YOUR happiness for once. Make a thoughtful decision, either to divorce or to continue the way you are, and then get on your knees and tell the Lord your decision and ask Him if he approves. Expect an answer.

And stop asking for permission to breathe."
posted at 18:04:52 on December 15, 2012 by dog
I thank you both...    
"Thank you for sharing your perspectives with me. Your kindness and understanding have done my heart good. I am thankful for this place to be able to express our concerns and share our opinions with a greater ease than has been possible for me. I thank you, again."
posted at 00:39:42 on December 16, 2012 by Wishful
Finish the first relationship first.    
"If you are still married it is innapeopriate to be in a relationship with someone else. You deserve to find peace and happiness. Doing something like this may seem justifiable but I would take care of your marriage first by divorce or reconciling but not by getting involved while you are still legally married. the lord acknowledges both spiritual laws ans the laws of the land. You will be able to move on if you so choose."
posted at 17:20:58 on December 17, 2012 by Anonymous
What Marriage !    
"I'm going to be hard. You have no marriage right now, you live on your own and you are in love with someone else. Really, move on, make you bed but don't be surprised if this new relationship goes south. You will find someone. Your soon to be ex-husband has been a fool, like all of us, you know his spots, you have kids with him, you had a life with him but it's about to change. Good or bad, I don't know, but it will be hard. The fool is trying to find his own peace, which may never come, and given the history, why would you want to be a part of that? If only he could find someone else, that might ease your guilt. You have lingered for a long time, should I go or should I stay. Well, you moved out, that is a little commitment, you found a boyfriend, another commitment, I think you have moved out of your marriage. It's time to break the straw, unless you want to work on what was a marriage with no guarantees. Oh wait there are a couple of guarantees, God loves both of you and sealed you as a family. He will help you find happiness, but you will have times of joy and pain along the way in this life. This is life here on earth, it will be for your good, sometimes I'm not sure how but it usually works out, it's his plan. Good luck in you decisions, you deserve the best."
posted at 12:02:15 on December 27, 2012 by Anonymous
Thank you...from me, Wishful    
"Thank you for your comments and concern. I appreciate your honesty and perspectives. I am trying to get my life in order so I can live with honesty and integrity again. It's not an easy thing to do because of the disappointment that I am causing my husband and my family. The image of unclean spirits and the damage they have caused is so clear in my mind. This problem of pornography is so harmful and hurtful. How it has harmed my relationship with my husband and how it has affected how I have functioned for so many years is devastating. And now, I am in a relationship that will cause my family and friends to think so badly of me. I just want to be happy. I never ever meant to hurt anyone and now I don't know how to stop hurting the people I love the most. So glad that I haven't crossed physical/sexual lines in my friendship. I know that I shouldn't have crossed any lines by allowing him to become my friend. It truly began so innocently and then he won my heart. This is so hard. Thank you for being as kind and thoughtful as all of you have been."
posted at 03:07:41 on January 1, 2013 by Anonymous
It's so sad    
"Addicts, the pain is so bad for the spouse, that they feel drawn into relationships (outside of marriage) only to find happiness. We see it so often on this site, good people pushed into a bad decision because of their pain. It's so sad for all."
posted at 10:22:24 on January 1, 2013 by Anonymous
"I agree with "so sad." Too often, the husband is easy for Lucifer to bag. In my opinion, Satan is really after the wife. The wretched man, typically caught before he's even a teenager, aids Satan in catching his own wife, unless he is always completely HONEST with his wife and Bishop.

We husbands must be stronger, just as Jesus is the strong one in his relationship with his bride, the Church, and just as Adam was the strong one in his marriage. Although Adam left his wife alone to be tempted...but then he did the right thing and sacrificed ALL his personal desires to stay with (and ultimately save) Eve when she got in trouble, just like Jesus did for us.

Once the serpent has caught the wife, he sometimes relinquishes his hold on the husband, which makes the whole situation sadder still. And when the mother is caught, the children very often follow, since they feel they can no longer believe everything their parents have taught them.

Help us, Lord, that we may set a better example for our children, that our children will follow us in righteousness, and that we, with our children, may know to what source we may turn for forgiveness for our sins! We know Jesus can heal all of this. O, save us!"
posted at 12:14:30 on January 1, 2013 by beclean
"Gee, hubby has been getting his rocks off by looking at "Adam and Steve" instead of Adam and Eve? There is definitely something wrong with this picture. Now, him being 'addicted' to fag porn before your marriage, that is one thing. For 33 years. Honey, you are the problem. If you were any good, he would have ran home to be with you and only thinking of you, not a couple of faggots slurping on....well, just name a piece of anatomy. If he is looking at fag porn, he is probably doing some of it too. I can just imagine whom you are virally linked to....Charles Manson.......Harvey Milk........or Bill Clinton. Dump this guy and give him a one way ticket to ground zero of gays.....San Francisco. He will soon have so many friends up his 'arse' he won't know what to do with himself and you will be FREE!!!!!!!!!"
posted at 23:16:24 on January 2, 2013 by Anonymous
Interesting comments, Anonymous    
"You're so adorable.*

*Repressed homosexual"
posted at 00:14:42 on January 3, 2013 by Anonymous
Get a divorce    
"You married a gay man, not a person addicted to SSA. He has preferred men sexually for your lifetime-long marriage. You both went along with it because you were best friends and getting married is what people are supposed to do. This guy should've been your shoe shopping buddy, not your husband. Good for you for finding a new male friend to lean on, you need that. Also, good for you for waiting patiently and not committing adultery. Good luck!"
posted at 14:16:40 on January 26, 2013 by Anonymous
Unwanted sexual attraction    
""You married a gay man, not a person addicted to SSA. He has preferred men sexually for your lifetime-long marriage. "

How do you know he is a "gay man" just because he is addicted to gay porn? I can relate to him in that he is living his own personal hell trying to do what the gospel teaches get married and have children despite having unwanted sexual attraction. Does he deserve any empathy as well?

P.S. I am in know way condoning the husband's behavior."
posted at 17:54:29 on May 31, 2013 by rmatt

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"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990