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I can't get past this one
By skyteamst90
4/3/2007 7:11:33 AM
Step 2 - Key Principle — Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
I can do the 1st step, but this one, I cannot. I can't 'come to believe' this one holds me back. As I have started or tried to pray, the thought always comes, 'He isn't going to help you, how can he when you are bad and evil?' or sometimes another way 'It doesn't matter' or 'He isn't going to answer your pray, he does for so and so and church but not you', 'He isn't listening."

Those are thoughts that come to my mind. I have wept at church when people would share testimony about repentance and the power of prayer, not because I feel the spirit, but because I feel alone, and that for some reason, 'it doesn't work for warren'. People often thought I was feeling the spirit, and I would just reply I was fine.

There must be something I am missing. Nephi knew who he trusted, and one of my favorites, Alma, knew to...why? Why is it when I turn back to the Lord, I only find myself, getting smashed in the face?

As I have gone along I have really felt, a lot lately, that I am just not going to make it. I really feel that I am never going to be baptised again. That some how the words of hope or comfort, aren't for me, they are for the members of his church, to which I am not even good enough any more to be a member, because of my choices and actions. During the sacrament part something my dad said to me stays with me and haunts me when I sit there "The lord doesnt even trust you to bless the sacrament" I guess he was talking about how the lord would trust you with power, and well I am not even good enuff to do that. I've wanted to come back, but the path way, I don't see it and I don't know what to do.

I did one thing wrong and closed out the elders quorm pres and stopped talking with him and visitiing with him. maybe i should have kept seeing him, i dont know.

I think of repentance and power of prayer and I just weep, cause I must be missing something. I must not be getting it. In some ways I have just said 'just kill me so i don't have to be here anymore' I had a friend say, 'I wish you wouldn't pray for that'

I sometimes notice when I am church, who really cares when they take the sacrament and who doesn't. Who is praying, who is trying. There are many who just go through the motions and don't realize what they have and don't really care. There are some members of the church who were probably in the big and spacious building too.

Well anyways, enough crying and whining.
-ws

Comments:

there never is a point of no return    
"I can't help but think of Elder Uchtdorf's talk from the Sunday afternoon General Conference Session. And also Elder Nelson right after it. You need to know and feel in the very depths of your heart and soul that there is hope, that there is a purpose for your being here. God needs you, He loves you, don't keep turning your back on him. You need to be willing to give up your sins to know Him. Search, Ponder, Pray, Study find out who your Heavenly Father is and your Savior Jesus Christ is in a personal way. They know you, everything about you. What do you know about them? Feel that light of Christ that is inside you and as you search out truth and find it the Holy Ghost will let you know. Do not let fear and guilt take away your faith. As I write this I feel in my heart the great love God has for you and the great value you are to Him. May you keep going and find that in your heart as well."
posted at 00:00:00 on April 3, 2007 by Anonymous
I feel for you    
"I can't imagine the pain and devastation you must be feeling right now, the hopelessness and desperation that must go along with being excommunicated. I have felt hopelessness and worthlessness and the "knowledge" that I could never do it. Actually, you read one of my posts "A man I'll never be", where I talked about those feelings. I, like you, wept at my inability to ever make it. I know this will sound trite to you, but Satan wants us to feel that way. Satan wants us to see ourselves as degenerate and worthless and ESPECIALLY to believe that that is how our Heavenly Father and our Savior see us. Satan is SO GOOD at twisting truth. Because the truth is that we ARE incapable, we never will make it ... ON OUR OWN. That is true. For me, my step 2 was not learning that the Savior COULD do it. it wasn't hard to believe that. I just didn't believe that he WANTED TO for me. That he wanted me back. That I was worth him saving. That's exactly what satan wants us to think. Because it keeps us in his grasp.

You are worth saving. You are a son of God with divine potential. As crazy and unbelievable as it sounds, the Savior DOES want you back, he DOES love you, and he WILL help you. It's time to quit fighting. Just quit and give in. Except give in to the Savior. You can't do it. Hand it over to the Savior. Just give it all to him. Remember, Joseph Smith was attacked by Satan when he went into the grove to pray. Follow his example, reach out, push past the fear and the "knowledge" that he won't listen to you and pray anyway. Tell him you're giving up, giving in to him, that you're done trying to do it on your own, that you just can't do it anymore. Half the time we're fighting against the Savior as much as we are against satan. Just quit. Give in. Let HIM do it. Let HIM take control.

And we will all have you in our prayers."
posted at 08:24:46 on April 3, 2007 by derek
Which voice do we choose to hear?    
"Derek, so well said. Acknowledging both the Savior AND Satan in our path to change is wise. The Lord is really committed to our change. Satan is really committed to us not changing. The range of emotions we go through in a day is overwhelming and confusing at times. Satan's lies are very subversive and woven through the Lord's promptings and our own healthy emotions, but in the midst of the darkness we are really not in a frame of mind to objectively differentiate these lies from the truth.

One way to help me differentiate lies from truth is to ask, "what is the result of this thought/feeling I am having?" If it is earned guilt (consequence of sin, a pricking of conscience), that is God-given and steers me toward change. But if it's from Satan it holds me down and robs my hope and desire to stand up and move forward. When I apply this question/test to how I am feeling - especially during my discouraging, painful times - it helps me to recognize when I am buying into lies vs. hearing the Lord's voice to lead me to light.

Being prayerfully discriminating helps safeguard me from unnecessary pain, doubt, and hopelessness, and helps me to hear and to trust the Lord's voice more and to turn back to him much more quickly rather than starting down the "death spiral" of guilt and self-loathing. It's not easy but it's getting easier."
posted at 10:08:30 on April 4, 2007 by matt2
It is hard, but you can do it...    
"All those negative feelings, and thoughts that you don't matter and that Heavenly Father won't listen to you are horrible messages from Satan. I don't know why it has to be that satan is so often easier to hear than Heavenly Father. It's like with Joseph Smith in the sacred grove, the awful spirit that he felt was about to consume him, but he held on, and then he felt the peace.

Hang in there, keep praying. Heavenly Father is listening to you, and he will help you, just don't give up on yourself. "
posted at 12:24:31 on April 5, 2007 by sophie


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"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

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"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002