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How many days has it been?
By skyteamst90
4/1/2007 8:14:12 AM
That was a comment that someone once asked me. From someone who really loved me and cared for in the most personal way. Some one who showed me the power of the saviour in loving a 'soul as rebellious & proud as mine'. If that was a lesson on looking into the windows of heaven and understanding God's love, then I got just a taste.

I hope I am or can be 1/2 the person she is. What a wonderful daughter of christ. She really literally has taken on the name of christ. Thank U Lind-zer.

You see I too, have fallen, and came to this earth. I'll never know why. Maybe not now, maybe later tho, I came to earth and aquired some built in features, that I was unaware of before. What a crazy time this is.

I am currently ex'd and sad, and my heart groans as Nephis did also. In 2005 I lost everything except my life.
My job, my cars, my family, and the church. My life was spared by an Army medic, and I don't know why. I was sick of it all, tired of losing, tired of failing, tired of being me, and something at work happend that was really bad & I blew a fuse and decided I didn't want to play anymore. As I was at work, I was in the Army at the time, I started walking out of the motorpool and decided to jump in front of a truck, just to end it all. I remember as I was walking towards the gate, that the movie 'Its A Wonderful Life' was playing in my mind. George was going to end it too. He lost some money also. But as the scene ended in my mind, the only thing I could say was 'Please'. For once in my life, I felt out of control and that I was going to go ahead with this. For once in my life, maybe a prayer was sincere. So maybe this army medic was sent to save me. Anyways, I was saved and life sucked and got worse. It seems it always can.

But I don't want to vent here, I do have a zillion pages of journal entries....lol.

I just want to say I struggle with this addiction, like a starving man looking for food. This battle is so real. This war is the worst. This body of clay, arrr. I wish I could go to wal mart and buy something new.

Last year was the first time in years that I had a period of being clean, i went 90 days, and then we started talking about baptism, and then things fell apart again. I was crushed once again.

Part of my life and 'Oh so much fun plan' is I also suffer from depression, wow that great. To what level or scale I don't know. No doc seems to give me the right info, it's weird. And being financially strapped, I am not able to afford co-pays every week or meds and being able to see someone every week. $100 in co pays and $110 for medication. Thats a bit, esp when I live off 1/2 my income due to MN's wonderful child support laws. Don't get me wrong, I want to help my little ones, but if I can't make it, how can I be a good influence and support to them when my needs aren't met? And you can say 'its about them' I agree, but on the other hand, if I am not stable, I can't keep a job and keep that money coming in for my family. And lets face it, most bishops aren't professional doctors.

I will write more as time permits, I have many things to do, but I will write some more thoughts and my story here. Maybe it might help me, maybe help someone else.

I am glad to join. I hope this helps and helps me, maybe hang on and do the 'endure to the end' thing.

Comments:

Welcome! You are among friends!    
"Welcome, and thank you for the feelings you shared. They bring back a lot of memories of my struggles with addiction. My heart goes out to you. I offer some of these memories in the hope that they may be of some benefit.

Feeling the power of our Savior's love through others has been an incredible experience for me, too. One time in college, I was so low in self-esteem that I had stopped going to almost all of my classes. One of my professors called me into his office to find out how I was doing and let me know that he cared. I was really surprised and moved to tears that anyone noticed me or cared about me. Unfortunately, the issue of addiction wasn't addressed at that point. It was many years and many bishops later that I learned that I am an addict.

I, too, have had needs and responsibilities that I was unable to meet on my own. The sincere prayer you spoke of has been a source of the greatest blessings in my life. In the last year and a half, several times I have needed to do something that seemed impossible, for example, getting a place to live when I had only a fraction of the money necessary. I took the problem to my Heavenly Father, telling Him what resources I had and the fact that I needed this place so I would be able to have my children visit with me. Step by step, through numerous prayers over a month or so, the way opened up and I was able to get a place sufficient for my needs and my children's needs. There are still times that a temptation is too strong, and I have to tell Heavenly Father that it is too strong for me to endure or overcome and ask Him to deliver me from it. I have felt those temptations taken away, not forever but for that time that they were so irresistable.

Like you, I literally owe my life to the Lord's intervention. The peace I am finding now, after more battles with addiction than I care to remember, is through His Atonement and His grace and mercy extended to me. The addiction recovery program is a great strength to me."
posted at 00:08:54 on April 2, 2007 by j r
Back again    
"Thanks for saying something JR.
You mentioned prayer. I can't even do that. I say some in mind at times, but to actually get on my knees and pray? That's impossible. What could I say? What would I say? He knows me right? He knows what I have done, continue to do, and that forever seperates me from him. Its like nothing I do works or makes any difference. People have said, he is there waiting to help or walking with you...oh really? I wish I knew.

I feel so lost and sick of it all. I suppose that is why I am suicial. I am amazied that I am even here still.

Everytime I try to pray, the thought comes, that why would he help me? he doesnt even listen. I suppose that is why I don't do it.

I had a lady friend that tried to teach me that the Lord is involved in my life, weather I see it or not. I never really knew what to think of that. She was the amazing one, not me. She always talked about how impressed she was with me, that I was tring so hard where as other members of the church do not. She said there was a spirit like no other when I would pray with her. Although I never felt anything.

In a blessing once it told of how special I am (or was), I don't feel this, I don't think it now. I visited by the temple one night, and looked in and saw 2 workers there in the white clothes, and the thought came "This is unattainable for me" I started to weep right there in front of my kid. I was trying to teach him about the gospel, "About how its true and prayers are answered" When I things havent worked and I have no testimony of it. How can I be a good father and teach him the ways of the lord, when my whole is a mess and I don't believe it myself?

This is part of the story of me. I will write more later."
posted at 17:05:41 on April 2, 2007 by skyteamst90
You sound so much like my brother....    
"and I'll tell you the same thing I tell him. You are a father. You WILL watch your child make mistakes. You'll do what you can to prevent those mistakes, but you'll also know there will be times when you have to let your child learn from his mistakes. But even when you watch your child make the same mistakes over and over again, and sometimes you get frustrated, will you ever stop loving your child???

My oldest is now at the stage where she'll do "ugly" things on purpose because she "doesn't like me" and "wants me to be sad." And there are times when I do feel like smacking her for it (but I try really hard to control those feelings!), but I also understand that she's a child and she is learning and growing everyday.

Just as you love your child, your Father in Heaven loves you unconditionally. He's not going to stop loving you simply because you have made mistakes. You do have to want to stop making those mistakes though. And you do have to get down on your knees and pray for His forgiveness.

I have been where you are. It was over a decade ago, but I remember the hopelessness and despair and the just wanting to quit it all. I remember feeling like the Lord doesn't ever listen to me, and that I wasn't worthy of his blessings anyway, and what in the world was the point of praying??? OTHER people got blessings, answers to prayers, etc... but not me. I wasn't ever good enough for that. That kind of thinking is CRAP. I had to completely turn away from that life and start a whole new life, and it was probably the scariest thing I've ever done. I had to turn away from the friends, the activities, the envirnonments, everything that led to that path of destruction.... I had to give it all up completely and start over. New friends, new activities, new environments.... it's hard, and it's scary, but it's not impossible.

It's not going to happen in one try. You're going to continue to make mistakes - we all do. But Heavenly Father doesn't judge us soley based on the things we've done. He judges us by the intents of our hearts. How many times have you heard the story about the kid who's running the race and falls several times, and finishes dead last, but gets all this applause because he kept getting up and eventually finished the race? Yeah, I don't have the exact script here, but I can't imagine any mormon who hasn't heard it before - but if you haven't, let me know and I'll find it and post it here. Anyway, point is, don't quit.

Your Father in Heaven loves you. Pray to Him. Listen for His answers. You can do anything you want to do if you ask Him to help you."
posted at 13:59:30 on April 3, 2007 by mcr285
JUST PRAY    
"I had stuff happend when I was younger and I had a hard time praying, I felt I wasn't worthy to get on my knees, that I wasn't worthy of him answering my prayers or even giving me the time of day. Years I didn't pray, but then I realized that Satan had me, he caught me in his snare and was telling my I was worthless etc.. (Just like he did after my husband came clean) Well let me tell, just pray, pray in the morning, pray at night, pray in your heart all day long. In the beginning (and I'm talking months, years) it will be hard, you know why? You've let Satans thoughts in your head for way to long, He has been telling you that your worthless, that there is no hope for you, that there is nothing you can do, DON'T LET HIM, Tell him to shut it and pray even harder, the minute one of those thoughts enter your heads, PRAY as if your life depended on it. He will hear you and he will listen. Knock he will answer. The hardest part is ignoring those nagging thoughts (SATAN) and just letting the Lord carry you! You are in MY Prayers."
posted at 15:07:08 on April 5, 2007 by wife


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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006