I bleed just to know I'm alive...
By Sunnydays
10/22/2012 3:03:19 PM
I've already blogged once today.

But then I had a thought. It stems from a discussion with my therapist last week. He suggested I look into meds. I'm sure I'm bi-polar and don't want to admit it to myself or the rest of the world for fear of being treated differently. I've been threatened by my mom that my ex could use this against me in a custody battle.

At any rate, I love to feel the Highs in life. Whether it be praise (rarely get that), or the thrill from accomplishing something (running) or the physical high from an addiction (mainly sex).

There's nothing like the feeling of your heart literally beating out of your chest. It reminds me I'm alive.

When I'm down and sad I want that feeling. Maybe because I fell invisible. I want to be reminded I'm here.

Does anyone else feel that way too?

For those who haven't heard this song It describes the way I feel. When I'm sad sometimes I listen to it over and over and over. />
My next blog should be about songs and movies and how they make me feel.


"First to address the meds issue:

I have no health insurance. I can not afford a doctors visit (and I know from my mother's bi-polar trips that it takes SEVERAL YEARS to stabilize ones meds) nor can I afford meds.

In addition to the financial cost I do not desire to be medicated. I once took an anti-depressant and walked through my life like a zombie. I do not have any desire to do that again.

I do feel that perhaps my up's and down's are situational. Hopefully, some stabilization will occur after some therapy and my financial situation improves.

Second, I really do not have many friends. I have one town friend. We are lunch buddies. Which is good but bad. Good for company and we must eat. But bad for the fact that I can't afford the calories. When we do eat I can't eat much the rest of the day. The conversation is good. My friend has no desire to join me at my house for a greek yogurt and handful of nuts though. She will eat out with or without me.

At church I have one sister who I feel to be a friend. She came to my rescue when I fell apart. Outside of that I'm alone. My oldest daughter rarely calls. I gave up expecting her to text me as she's at college and has her own life. I only hear from her when she needs money (which I don't have). My 18 year old at home treats me like his dad used to. So does my 14 year old. My 12 and 8 year old are still somewhat nice. If they are getting their way.

That's it. My sister does not like me. My mom NEVER calls me. My three brothers all think I'm crazy. And that's it. My dad isn't a phone person. My step-mom does like to talk to me. So maybe I will count her. My ex-inlaws only call me once every 6 months to talk to the kids. Other than that it's me, myself and I inside my crazy head. That's it."
posted at 22:41:53 on October 23, 2012 by sunnydays
Wish we were neighbors    
"I too know what it is like to not feel like any friends are near, I don't fit in a lot, but through many websites like this, I do feel like I fit in somewhat, people with the Gospel struggle with issues, like anyone else, just we have added authority and gospel principles so satan kind of pays extra attention, if you weren't worth it, satan would leave you alone, never feel discouraged and never tempted, that's one way to look at it, helps me, knowing when i am tempted, when i feel down, he's attacking, negative feelings don't come from the holy ghost. thank you for posting on my blog, sunnydays, good outlook and implied thoughts, look for the sun, be in the daylight, avoid the shadowey darkness. you are a good mom, you are a good person, a good friend, i am so sorry that people have chosen not to see that within you, you are much better than that. Reading your post has given me hope also. Just wanted to say thanks, and honestly, I would count it such a blessing if I have a neighbor just like you."
posted at 10:02:20 on October 26, 2012 by LDS_BROTHER
offer my support    
"hello there. skyteam here. man, you're in a tough spot with out much room to move...i was thinking of what to say, but dont have anything to say or add at this time, other then you are experiening stuff we are all dealing with. depression + lonliness is something we all are dealing with on this site, whether day 1 or day 1,000. i guess can count on a few things in life, and taxes is definety one of em lol...
try to be happy for what u do have. and do what you can
the lord is watching...he is aware."
posted at 05:04:26 on October 30, 2012 by skyteamst90
"This has been a HUGE struggle for me. My birthday just passed. My VT remembered it and made it special for me. My 8 year old made me a homemade bag to put my presents in. My 18 year old bought me a small gift. That was as far as they went. I have to hand them the good stuff. Although, by nightfall I was broke to tears trying to cope with the fact that while my ex was abusive in so many ways I did this to myself. I no longer have someone to celebrate me because I made stupid choices.

It sucks. Even my mother didn't call me."
posted at 22:15:12 on October 30, 2012 by sunnydays

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004