By skyteamst90
10/17/2012 12:40:48 AM
well i just wanted to check in as this sorta is going to be something i have decided to do to help me out. i dont make it to too many SA meetings + i really feel embaressed. like badly. so i have dealt with my issues mostly on my own by reading books, some CBT therapy, some therapy thru a therapist, and medication.

i have recently decided to stop + start meeting w the bishop. he even is coming over on thursday morning + my place is screwed + have alot to do. my place is a $hit hole + will be embaressing to have him over.

ive relapsed badly...crap. however i am pushing forward + not giving up. i am repenting, but i never promise, dont want to set myself up for failure. ive committed to read the book of mormon by years end and hopefully i can do it. 10 pgs a day.

my x has been pleasantly nice lately + i am grateful for that.

i have some big things coming up here. 1) try to get baptised here in the next 6 mos. 2) start college in jan 2013 3) move to a new apartment. 4) bankruptcy 5) another serious personal issue 6) obtain a new all this $hit is happening at the same period of my life...stress? ya.i think so...and really virtually no support, except here ( on this site + a couple friends. i have tried to reach out + make new friends, but being things hard to relate to kids at church. im in a young couples ward...seech...makes it tough. people are surprised when i mention i have 3 kids...iguess cuz they are never with me...

i have to be honest a little. i read alot of posts here + i see alot of the struggles both men go thru, the girls, and the wives...for a time i was depressed and feared (maybe like many of you) that i would never overcome this...some guys here really have struggled, i think slightly harder then me...i was upset and felt i may never heal or get fixed...all of the 'work' i was doing just didnt seem to add up to success...and i was hurt. why wasnt god saving me? if he wants me to be happy why this? what am i supposed to learn or gain from this? what am i not doing to aid in success?

i finally decided that most likely i will not get any major answers here in this life. my life i think to some degree is unsalvageable. i have had to learn to try to love myself...which seems impossible, and to keep going and face my issues. i still think to some degree why would a perfect god like me? my own family doesnt even like me...its like, me loving an ant...

when i had a mormon girl tell me i wasnt good enough, that i wasnt the one, that she wouldnt settle, despite much good i did for her, it was the worst rejection i had ever faced. i had made great progress at the time...things were good...but this, it was worse then my divorce...i shut down + hated myself even more. i shut people out. i stopped praying it wasnt working. i wasnt getting answers i thought. i stopped attending church. i didnt have friends there anyway...and people there were happy...ya demented thinking.

......i had some dark times...bad...its just to not even be good enough for a i decided this. girls are trouble so i am putting it on the back burner. i dont know, at least at this point if i will even try, to mate-hunt. i know 'now is not the time' i get that but it doesnt make things easier...i hate the 'future' element...the someday you will...fill in the blank...really, i hate prophecy.

i'll write more later


entry 2    
"one of the most frustrating things is time. it seems progress is slow + some how designed to...annoy me. so, i just make a todo list of a few tings that hopefully makes my life a little better. but i not sure im making progress or the great 'change of heart' has i push onward.

i have hope right now...just a on the other hand...not so sure. i have hope that maybe this can all turn around. im doing small things and have made steps, but i think it will be sometime before a signicant notice is progress is longest abstanence was 90 days...

my hope is, i wish i could say i love god. i cant seem to connect to that one. i hear people say it and i think it is pretty special. i,ve never been able to say it, so i hope i can. when some says HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES YOU that i can know that + feel that cuz right now i dont...frustrating. at some point i,d like to know GOD LISTENS AND ANSWERS PRAYERS....a simple statement but this is something i dont know. i desire to know this. i,d like to believe i'm special again, cuz whatever or whenever i believed this was years ago, and i have since lost this steam for that. i dont believe it now. i d like to be ok with as it sits i believe now, that i am not worthy of heaven or even a celistial kingdom. not worthy enough or good enough. i supposed i havent proved myself. i heald the belief of 'im not going to make it anyway, so why try?' so there lies alot of the issuesi have to over come..."
posted at 06:56:16 on October 17, 2012 by skyteamst90
It takes time...    
"At least that's what my sponsor keeps telling me. I hope he is right, that sobriety will happen... Undoing years of self-inflicted injury does not happen overnight."
posted at 09:13:53 on October 17, 2012 by g1rlie

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"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

— Robert D. Hales

"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002