somethings changed
By skyteamst90
10/6/2012 12:12:52 AM
its amazing how trauma can make a difference for the better. ive sensed a change in me. im ready to change and let go...there's not a whole lot i can say because we (or alot of people on here) have the same things going on...and really our problems are common, not unique.

dont give up on yourselves...i know its easy to shut-down. thats what i did. i shut down and then somehow i think i became humble enough to cry out for a saviour cause what i was doing was wrong.

i shut down for 4 years. i was isolated and alone. and satan was real quick to taunght me...and tell me im worthless. tell me the saviour doesnt care. why would he care about a puny mortal? if i was so good in the spirit world, why does my life suck so bad?..............and biggest lie of them one loves you........(well next to "there is no god")

truth is...satan, no one loves you.............

im a little emotional right now...let me write a little later


ok back here this morn...    
"i was reading some of my old posts. i was surprised at somethings and alarmed by others. gosh this has been a long time...

i prayed for real last was interesting to me. a very interesting experience

i would just like to say thanks to the people on here that have been nice to me, supportive, and patient. also to the people that prayed for me, and that i dont know who they are or names...

this last week has been the most interestinng to me + full of goal + thought here will be, this was the time i turned it around...

however i must be cautious..."
posted at 07:41:52 on October 6, 2012 by skyteamst90
"Man, This post made me smile. I am so glad you are still around. I have noticed such a change in your outlook on life and that has given me more hope to keep going. You refuse to give up and you refuse to deny the faith. I admire your courage. I mean, I REALLY admire your courage.

Here's to your NEW DAY, brother. "
posted at 09:57:08 on October 6, 2012 by Anonymous
thanks for the encouragement    
"yes indeed i have kept tabs on this site for recovery reasons, a place to go. myabe to learn, vent, be sad and cry.

my heart is that saying a broken heart and contrite spirit....i.get the broken hearts. my prayers are quite ferverent lately .

im amazed at a few of the things that have happend the last few days. lord willing maybe this old bucket bolts can be something or do something. my hope right now is that i can be saved.

im not an example tho, jesus is or a prophet or a bishop. maybe i am...i just dont know it. keep working hard people this is going to be the hardest work to do..."
posted at 13:19:59 on October 6, 2012 by skyteamst90
I agree    
"with anonymous. It seems you've come far since I've know you. I get that there are up and downs but man, there sure used to be a lot of deep downs. It was you who like's Dragonforce right? "Through the fire and the flames [you've] [carried] on!" Well doing sir."
posted at 13:55:28 on October 6, 2012 by they_speak
"heck ya...l am a heavy metal of i suppose my last childish things i hang on to. but ya dragonforce is cool. that was my sons' first concert i took em too...they both had fun

i listened to the afternoon session + went to the priesthood session + i was greeted by a ton of people that knew me. it was sorta i didnt expect that...

im just over whelmed by some messages today. i cant comment as i am overloaded and just need to rest my brain. i have to read 10 pags iin my scriptures to night. im trying to read bom by end of year...and to hopefully be re-baptised...

yes THEYSPEAK youre right there was a lot of downs and depression. it has been the worst...but people can change...i dont have to have the answers now just hv to hv faith

believe me i am exercising it...and its a little harder in away then i thought. but this panicc attack i had on wednesday that has made some things more forward....

1) i made the choice to stop being a loser. i rid myself of somethings i was hanging on to. thru em out...deletd some phones numbers

2) called a college to get my higher education started....have an appt on tues @ 11

3) made the goal to attend gen conf as much as possible...sat a water line busted in my place and damaged some of my music recording equipment...i took it well. i can deal with physical loss...emepotional issues are the harder ones

4) to let the past go and look up + forward...

5) sincere prayers are differnet...trying to reach the goals i want , so i am a little more honest

that for starters..."
posted at 22:13:07 on October 6, 2012 by skyteamst90
"Looks like you're movin' on up :). Keep it up. :)"
posted at 08:51:25 on October 7, 2012 by g1rlie
conclusion if conference    
"i attended all sessions save the first session on saturday. i even saw my sons at priesthood + sat by them. i made a commitment to attend + i made my first new step.

my second step was today...i committed to not shop on sunday. as i sometimes do for food. never pleasure but for food. i made do with what i had.

tomorrow...i have a couple goals. but nothing to stress me out.

i am grateful for this last week in-a-way as it lighted the fire for me to get things started + rolling. i have some serious things to put together here dealing with apartment issues, finding a new place, car insurance, car repairs, car license, and drivers license, also including going to school or working full-time...these are some major things here in the next couple weeks. i pray the lord leads me...

my friends dear is a scripture that has helped gives me permission to ASK god for help even tho i am not worthy of anything....
i pray this will help you...

hebrews 4:16 (p. 1524)
"let us therefore come BOLDLY unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need"

i love the words of paul...
bodly is such a cool word...he wants us to come to him...we no longer need to fear. please consider this scripture...

people this is either true or not...its either right or not...we either have a god or not...take that first step and reach out...even if it hurts...even if hate yourself...even if your unworthy, unclean, or even angry...

if it doesnt happen the first time...might take a couple of times but keep with it..."
posted at 22:44:09 on October 7, 2012 by skyteamst90
"Thank you for sharing that scripture. It was exactly what I needed today. I, too, love that word "Boldly". So glad that things are going well for you. Have a good week my friend!"
posted at 11:25:00 on October 8, 2012 by Anonymous
"today has been good. just some anxiety. trying to control it using my skills.
if it gets to wild and crazy, i,ll have to go in..."
posted at 17:29:52 on October 8, 2012 by skyteamst90
morning #1    
"well today will be interesting. im heading to this college to start that i am excited and nervious all at the same time.

yesterday after attend the general conference i felt something i dont think i habe ever felt or thought. i felt that monday was like s new start for me or like my fever had finally broken...make sense? like the change finally occured.

i still feel the sting from the panic attack i had last week, and maybe i just have to keep going. do the best i can. having faith and humility in my heart.

i prayed mightly that i know his will in my life and that i could be blessed with wisdom to navagate this rough waters i am on"
posted at 07:11:53 on October 9, 2012 by skyteamst90
well another check up    
"been relapsing bad for 2 weeks....jeez...gonna beat this tho. im determined"
posted at 19:29:24 on October 24, 2012 by skyteamst90
what are your triggers?    
"I feel so bad for you and have been thinking about you and hoping you can find some peace.

I commend you for getting up yet again That's all that is asked.

You'll find the right combination eventually

posted at 21:01:41 on October 24, 2012 by Anonymous
"truth be told thru some of my grieving over this lady friend of mine who has remarried, i have been going thru the angry + jeolous stage. angry that she didnt pick me. angry she didnt even give me a chance. jelous that someone else gets to make love to her. all these feelings are hard to deal with...i have been aware and been discussing them with my therapist in addition to reading some other self help book. i think it will just take time. i wish she would have been in my life. she also refusd a visit i requested to see her after claiming we were "friends"

... love is a deep and complex feeling + emotion. not sure if i want to feel it ever again. even take the chance not willing to. i dont think i would ever find some as cool as her will be impossible.

i almost lost my life as the feeling ran so deep only to be rejected. dont know if i wud be able to take it again. well obviously god has his resons + she is married in the temple w this guy. obviously gods will must prevail + i have to accept it + move on

i had my first + only 3 mons sobriety with her + her help. she used to say i was her hero cuz i never gave out.....i shut down for 4 years.........

honestly i have some to accomplish in the next few months...i push forward
(1) baptisim...april 2013 bishop wanted...6mos of change / 6mos of proof
(2) move. i have to move out of my current ghetto basement windows + just depressingdown here
(3) a. first take refresher courses get my reading + math up. start those classes on monday b. start college in jan....AAS in addition counseling
(4) bankruptcy...filing with my formerr sposue. diggin up bills + everything totally sticks...this is a bummer
(5) finalise divorse. this has held me back and pushing to get all this paperwork done...this has been the worst. my x has draggd her feet so now i am pushing this forward
(6) NEW JOB - well in order to pay for everytthing need a job. networking and working that front. i have no idea how make things work here. this is wierd and so bad.
(7) CAR LICENSE + CAR INSURANCE + CAR TABS - my license is suspended because i am behind on child i am in a catch 22. car insurance wil need $300 down payment...more money and tabs $ money....i can reinstate license as so asi get job
(8) finish my recording album"
posted at 04:09:36 on October 25, 2012 by skyteamst90
"some of my triggers i have identified
(1) lonliness
(2) boredom
(3) anger
(4) feelings of lack of love (major one)
(5) hurt
(6) lack of sleep
(7) sometimes seeing other people together happy, holding hands, and or embracing
(8) certain comments made at church trigger me or get me angry -or- allow me to feel bad, and relapse
(9) depression
(10) hunger

stuff like that."
posted at 17:22:24 on October 25, 2012 by skyteamst90
thanks hurtallover    
"i appreciate you chiming in...

ok friday...still pushing forward. missionaries stopped by with a challenge today, and i think i will try it..."
posted at 19:19:57 on October 26, 2012 by skyteamst90
"Sounds like progress:)"
posted at 06:37:43 on October 27, 2012 by G1rlie

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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990