And still, more hope....
By mcr285
10/1/2012 2:59:18 PM
So it's been about a year since I last blogged anything here on this site. My last blog was about hope, so I figured I'd continue the trend with this blog.

It has been 6 years now. Six years since I learned that my husband had a problem with porn. Six years since I learned that my husband lied to me for the first four years of our marriage. Six years.

I've changed a lot over those six years. So has my husband. We are learning how to communicate better. It's not easy, but is anything worth having ever easy?

Even now, after six years, and never finding any evidence of a slip up, I still don't fully trust my husband. I don't think I ever will. But I do trust the Lord. I trust that if my husband ever does fall, the Lord will somehow let me know, and he will help me to know how to handle it.

I hate not fully being able to trust my husband, but that's what happens after someone you love looks you in the eye and lies to you for four years. It's not about forgiveness, because I honestly have forgiven him. It's about loving him enough to be aware that he isn't perfect and he is vulnerable.

I truly believe that it would be easier to just "forgive and forget" and "move on" with our lives. But for me, that would be pretending and pretending would be lying, and lying is something I try hard not to do.

Huh. That all sounds a lot more negative than positive, doesn't it? It wasn't meant to be!

We are doing quite well, really. No, I don't trust him 100%, but I do trust him 99.9%, and that is enough for now. We are happy in our lives, happy with each other, and happy with our children. Of course we struggle on occasion with your typical day to day life issues, but who doesn't?

We've been married 10 years now. Six years ago, I didn't know if we'd make it to five!

Hang in there, all of you who are struggling. Have faith. It does get better.


My 2 cents    
"Well, I like what I heard in a talk by a brother John Bytheway. 'Everything I need to know, I learned in primary'
How simple the gospel is, and how complicated we make it. I have a body, God wants me to keep it clean. Jesus said "Love Everyone" if someone does something mean, be nice to them, forgive, especially when you don't feel you can, allow that desire to grow, say you forgive, and love, if you truly love someone, you will forgive them, doesn't mean you accept all bad behavior, but you love and forgive. I've posted some pretty long blogs about my issues and marriage. It is hard, maybe I make it harder than what it needs to be, just now was reminded of the saying: "Consider the lillies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, yet Solomon in all his glory or was it splendor? was not arrayed like one of these." Take a moment, take a break, take a big deep breath, take another one, we are children of God, how easy is to say to another person who has made mistakes, keep going, don't give up, God Loves You, you are his child! You are more precious to him than all things in creation, He will not give up on you, don't you give up on you. Easy to say to someone else, but who you see in the mirror, the gospel applies to everyone else but me? -sometimes it feels that way, but the Gospel applies to everyone, even me! even you! Yet how complicated we make things, keep expressing your feelings dear brothers and sisters, don't allow that negative energy to build up, read posts, reply to posts, encourage others to reply and be supportive and loving, forgiving to all posts, we all have feelings, we all need to be loved and supported, that's why I do this, let's all make a goal, to post on a person's post, just to say something, like, I see what you are going through, you matter to me, Isupport and love you. You matter, your feelings matter, we may be different, but you matter!"
posted at 00:29:49 on October 2, 2012 by LDS_BROTHER
nice to see u back...    
"you wrote something on my 2007ish...i think? that was a while ago...youre still.together, thats awesome!

i had a thought...what if your husband was a CIA agent and did secret missions and killed people but at home he was a normal guy, living, supportive, bread winner, good dad...and then one day you found out he had lied about his job and that he was CIA, how would that make you feel? just curious"
posted at 00:33:10 on October 9, 2012 by skyteamst90

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987