Losing hope....
By SmileInTears
9/5/2012 12:46:08 AM
I hate how there are no groups in my area for women. I was in therapy for a good while till I graduated high school and was going to move onto the SA ward in my area since I'm living at home going to community college. Things didn't work out though and I ended up staying in the family ward. I know my triggers, mostly. I know that my addiction is more emotional than anything, but cleaning up the emotions is one of the most difficult things ever it seems. I'm engaged right now and to some extent, I feel like it isn't fair for me to put him through my recovery process especially when I'm going through such a rocky path. But then again, a good portion of my life has been spent believing that I'm not of any worth. It's an evil lie that Satan can get me to believe rather easily in my down days. And then it's easier to just believe it then it is to actually counter the act and stand tall and say "No, I am a daughter of God and I'm loved and I have value". Which you know is what they teach you to do in church. I tried cutting myself the other day. I have some serious issues that I've had for longer than I've been a sex addict but they were just made worse when the addiction came into play. I went two months without any relapsing and I went to the temple during that time and it was wonderful and everything but I haven't been able to get to that point again. It was a couple weeks after I finished therapy actually that I relapsed which ended my 2 month streak. I'm setting up an interview with my new bishop to talk to him about going into therapy again, since my parents nor I can pay for it, I do have to go through him. I don't like the idea of having to go talk to him....not to a new one and having to divulge everything all over again. I try to be open about it...I know vulnerability is a big thing that I need to work on. I need to be more vulnerable. But I also need to believe that I actually have worth. Because I don't. And if I don't believe that, I'll never be able to forgive myself. And then I'll never get better if I can't forgive myself. I'm so caught up in having grown up as a people pleaser that I can't even heal myself anymore. How do you remember that even though you've done x,y, and z that you still qualify for the atonement and that no matter what God still loves you? How do you remember that you're a good person? I can't seem to do it right now.


Hey lady:-)    
"I'm glad you joined us! :-) I can totally relate to your feelings of worthlessness. That rhythm of constantly believing the lies Satan tells us is so ingrained in us after believing them for so long that it's difficult to get out of. It takes some real hard work and trust to change those thinking patterns.

I also had a really hard time forgiving myself. Still do sometimes. But I kind of made this deal with God. That I'll do better than I did yesterday. And that has seemed to sustain me for the most part. Also, in doing my 4 and 5 - I chose to believe that HF had released me from the torturous guild and shame I was feeling and I simply let it go. I'm not sure if you have worked a 4 and 5 yet.

Also - if you want, you are welcome to contact me out side of this site - email me - or text me. Whatever you want :-) My email address is You can contact me there and go from there.

Chin up girl! You have people rootin for ya!"
posted at 08:30:55 on September 5, 2012 by siouxsie
"Do you ever feel that your only worth is for sex? I've been there. So if this is what you are feeling, you are not alone. Before we were born, we shouted for joy when we heard about God's plan for us. We were excited to come to this great school of learning. Sometimes, I think to myself, "Really? I was excited about This???"

Remember Revelations 21:4-- 4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

So there will be a day with no more tears. Remember that you are a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you. And YOU are of infinite worth.

Much love,

posted at 09:02:38 on September 5, 2012 by Anonymous
"I used to think "I'm just a piece of meat" or "I'm a walking vagina." I cringe thinking like that now because I'm so far from that. But that's truly how I felt."
posted at 09:05:13 on September 5, 2012 by siouxsie
"Can you please not use the word "vagina"? You are offending my sensibilities. "
posted at 11:01:56 on September 5, 2012 by Anonymous
Hey Smile...    
"I have ready parts of your blog....good stuff. Glad you got hooked up with Siouxsie. This is a great place to be...lots of friends! Some are old, like me and some not so old...Our common struggles truly make us "brothers and sisters". Never has that phrase had so much meaning as it does here and with the brethren in my PASG meetings. No judging here...just lots of love and understanding. Come one, come all! Cheers!"
posted at 13:57:09 on September 5, 2012 by chefdalet
"a walking vagina."?    
"Wowsers, I've never said anything that explicit. But see, I guess I like it when people honestly say it how it is. Tickles me right pink. Thank you (genuinely).

Smiles, what's up? I read a buncha your blog. Man!, that's some depressing stuff but rad that your able to get honest and write it down. Glad you are in a different place. I wish I knew the answer to your question. I think it's good your seeking out a professional. Platitude probably just wont cut it which for the most part I'd guess is what most people have for you.

I have an odd seemingly unrelated story that, I don't know, just came to mind. One evening my wife and were leaving after some nights event. I no longer remember what it was. But I do remember walking around that parking lot. We could not find our car. Could. Not. Find it! It was a silver 2002 4-door honda accord. "I parked right in this area!" I kept saying. Huffing and puffing walking around clicking the security alarm button on the key chain to make it honk. Then, BAM! I literally almost walked right into it. My red 2006 jeep grand cherokee. I had looked and walked right past it probably dozens of times looking for my silver car. I was walking right into it when it almost seemed to appear out of thin air. It was seriously weird. Like I could feel it for a split second materialize in my brain. The ah-ha feeling made me guffaw like the Buddha when he reached enlightenment.

Thats always stood out to me. Maybe I'd see the answer if I quit looking for what I think it is. It could be right in front me. This may be a stretch you'd know better than me but perhaps knowing you're a good person is the silver car. Maybe what your looking for is exercise or an anti depressant or hell who knows. You and God would know a lot better than me. Just throwing it out there. But revelation/inspiration is indispensable with this. Clearing my mind, meditating, so I can see clearly the parking lot helps me. I don't know if any of that helps you. Don't loss hope quit yet. Good luck player."
posted at 14:58:14 on September 5, 2012 by they_speak

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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988